Overshadowed by friend group

[Beachstars]

I'm in a friend group of 7 woman who have all known eachother for 5-6 years. We are all supposed be going out in a few weeks for Xmas drinks and I don't feel like going. I'm on the outer edge of the circle my own fault because I often don't go to things they do because they all have more money then me and I feel like they all have nicer things than me when we go out clothes, hair nails etc. A few of the woman are very pretty and make a real effort and when I look back at pictures I always feel self conscious of myself even though they are all very nice to me about how i look i know im bottom of the pile looks wise and im one of the youngest in this group. I like them all they are all good people but I don't like how I feel after I see them im always comparing my life to theres and I'll never be able to keep up. Holidays, hoises, cars the lot. I've told them a lie and said I might not be able to make the drinks now but I do feel bad for never making much effort with them. Do I go or nit?

If you want to be more included then you won't achieve that by not going. If you don't care and want new friends then don't bother going.

I think you should talk to someone about your self esteem and jealousy issues.

It would be a shame to lose friends who are good to you and like you, due to jealousy.

Why does it bother you they have more money? Even if they are more attractive that shouldn't matter with friends.

I would go, and remember why you liked these women to begin with.

Do you have other friends you hang out with? So you often feel " less than " ?

Can you try to change your mindset about this? (Easier said than done, I know).
Go out with them for drinks and have fun! I'm sure they like you just the way you are.

It's not them you want to avoid, they are nice supportive people from what you say, it's your own sense of inferiority you're discomforted by.

They must see qualities in you they like and appreciate that make them want to be friends with you.
If they are genuine, supportive and kind, it would be a pity to lose that because you are feeling the social pressure that comes with measuring up status of material possessions/beauty/indications of 'success' etc. and finding yourself wanting.

I get it, I'm the poor one in my friendship group. No one has ever made me feel inferior. My own minds eye often has, it is very uncomfortable to feel like a lesser person.
I am the least well groomed person in my group too 🙈. However, I felt it was my internal emotional weather that was the issue rather than the group.

I did have to steel myself inside to keep showing up - remind myself of the reasons I was there (from their pov and mine), I'm bright, funny and kind - that's what they valued in me.
I've been in this group from mid twenties and we're all mid forties now... As time has gone on, it has got easier...
The challenges of life have been a bit of a leveller and we've all come through our own issues and all have felt the grass is greener at some point (or could easily do so if we looked at it that way).
Wealth
Health
Marriages
Children
Family
Work
We've all had a variety of ups and downs... But through it all we've had each others back.
I'm still the poor one but I'm blessed in other ways and I have things in my life they would envy if we looked at things that way.

If this comes with you, I'd say remind yourself of your worth and keep going, see past their beauty and money to the people they are deep down... If they're good people/friends it will all come out ok.

Chimes not comes! 🙃

I sometimes feel this with my mate. She’s more successful than me, in a lot of ways she’s got a much more fun life, insofar as she’s always flying here there and everywhere, she’s got a LOT more disposable income and tbh at times I feel like I’m a ladies’ companion like in an old film or something - I can’t afford a fraction of what she can, I charity shop and get literally everything second-hand. She doesn’t think twice about money and I often end up feeling bad about myself/my choices when we spend time together. I think, deep down, it’s because I know I’m not all I could be. That’s my problem, not hers, though. It’s basically a mixture of envy and inadequacy on my part.

That said, we are very close and I don’t want to lose her because I occasionally turn a bit green. It’s not her fault. So I agree with the PP who said you need to work on your self-esteem. That’s not a criticism, a whole lot of people feel terrible about themselves, and often for no reason at all.

The stuff you’ve listed - being pretty, being glam - doesn’t make good friends, what makes people good friends is who they are. They sound like good people who value your company and it’s a shame to lose friendships over something like this. It’d be a shame for them to lose you too, no?

@dartsofcupid well said. It's good to hear someone else has wrestled this and come though... Mostly. It's a constant work in progress isn't it... The reward is good friends and less reliance on external factors for your self worth. 😁

Hi Op
You need to look at where this lack of self esteem comes from in the first place?

I know this is difficult to think about, but realise that everyone sometime or other has insecurities/ struggles about themselves even your acctractive pretty friends,
even though their lives look charmed to outside world,
it maybe isn't the case close up, it's just the impression to conform socially to fit in ect,
they could be like treading underneath water in debts or some other issues going on,

Some people are better at disguising stuff than others.

If in general when you are with them , do you feel often good to be around them in general?

Look at ways to improve your self cofindence in general in various ways too,
such as every so often complementary therapies sessions pamper sessions hot stone massage and ect,

even good counselling, there are other types of therapies that can be beneficial for you too,
hypnotherapy ect

That's very insightful and sage advice@dartsofcupid too..

Are they good and nice friends? Are they putting on a bit of side, or is the discomfort just something that's coming from inside you?

In other words, are they thinking of life as a competition, or are you (or both)?

I think that competitive thinking and comparisons are usually the kiss of death to a friendship. One way or another it breeds resentment. Occasionally I've lost friends who started comparing themselves to me - it feels as though they're thinking about the things that separate us, instead of the much bigger amount of stuff that we have in common.

If they're nice people, and you have fun together, then it would be a shame to let something like this spoil your friendship. Good friends care about whether you're kind and fun, not about how posh your handbag is. And that goes both ways.

Maybe you have a lot more common ground than it feels like at the moment. You all have stuff going on in your lives. Your experiences are just as interesting as theirs, and they want to spend time with you and hear about what you've been doing.

On one hand, you don’t have to spend your time and energy hanging out with anyone you don’t want to. On the other, you seem far too hung up on looks, and it would be a shame to lose potentially great friends because you are unfavourably comparing yourself – this isn’t what friendship is about. It would do you some good to shift your focus in life and more highly value other attributes – your own and theirs.

It would be a shame to lose friends who are good to you and like you, due to jealousy.

I think that’s harsh. The OP feels insecure & at least she recognises that, many people don’t.

If they're nice people, and you have fun together, then it would be a shame to let something like this spoil your friendship. Good friends care about whether you're kind and fun, not about how posh your handbag is. And that goes both ways.

I agree with the above.

This is a you thing not a them thing. From what you have said here the issue is entirely in your own mind and there is no suggestion these people have even thought about this.

That can be quite a big issue and I don’t want to minimise. But you won’t deal with it by avoiding them. And the onus is on you to sort it.

You seem to have decided that you are in some way inferior to them. You need to break out of that mindset. The way they choose to spend their money and their personal style is their concern and I would be astonished if they had stopped to think about comparing themselves to you. People don’t think that deeply about it.

You need to do some work on yourself to work out why you feel the need to pigeonhole yourself in this way. Don’t go to this particular meet-up if you really can’t face it. But long term you need to tackle the reasons why you want to constantly compare yourself negatively with others.

I think this is very unfair and extremely unhelpful.

Having self-esteem issues, anxiety and feelings of not being as good as others doesn't always mean jealousy. Maybe it does in your world but that's not reality.

Most of my friends live in million pound houses, have massive incomes, lovely cars, wonderful holidays, etc. I feel like I can't match them in many ways but I'm not jealous of them!

OP. I think the best thing you could do is speak to your group of friends. If they are real friends they will understand your feelings.

Also OP I don’t think you’re unusual to feel the way you do. Most people have a mixed friendship group but if your circle is only made up of millionaires or models or Nobel prize winners most would have a touch of insecurity!

I know I have insecurities and should probably work on them but they do only come up when im around this group. These woman are not my closest friends mine are a smaller group of 3 and I have more in common with and we are just more on the same level.

This group of 7 contains a woman whose house I completely envy and could only ever dream of maybe if I won the lottery. One is very pretty think slim, blonde fun girl type I do feel inferior I could make more of an effort with myself but even when I try dye my hair or buy a new outfit I just look so average. My home is average my job is average and when I'm with these woman that's just exactly how I feel. They all of course have there own problems husbands, kids, etc and there are things I wouldn't swap with them in a million years but they don't necessarily show struggle on themselves they carry it well where I feel weighed down by every thing and it shows in how i look and feel. I know its an ugly trait of mine but I don't know whether I'm just best avoiding this feeling before a busy Christmas period. I must say they are all very nice it is a me problem and I know that.