To not want visitors after giving birth

[charlieblue7]

I gave birth last week and I just feel so stressed.
I had suspected Sepsis and had a haemorrhage.

I now have a UTI and on antibiotics.

My family are all wanting to visit and asking what plans are for Christmas and have basically invited themselves over to my house for Christmas.

Me and my partner have been through alot and we do not want any visitors.

I am now sure how to address this to them without sounding rude.

I spent a week in hospital and just came home on Monday.

I just want to be left alone with my partner and baby without the stress of entertaining people and talking about the birth.

I get that they are wanting to see the baby but I dont like my SIL at all and find her quite nosey and I know she is really pushing for a visit as we have just moved house and she likes to gossip.

Am I being unreasonable?

You can say no or get your dh to say no on your behalf.

Or you could make arrangements for sil to come at a certain time and have your mum, best friend or someone to come at the same time. Someone strong minded to run interference.

If it suits you, manage sil by building a box for her with little wiggle room.

Tell family you will let them know when you are up to having visitors. And when you are, set a time limit. Your partner needs to be the gatekeeper.
Re Christmas, say they should make their own plans as you don’t know how you’ll be feeling then and won’t be hosting.
The priority is your recovery and bonding as a new family-you will only get this time once. Pushy family visited after I had given birth and I still regret it 10 years later!

Tell them you will let them know when you are ready for visitors.

Re Christmas just say you haven't decided yet and they make plans and you will sort nearer time.

When visitors do come ask them to help out. Push the hoover round bring a meal. Make YOU a cup of tea. To help with baby hogging pop baby in a sling. DH direct people for you.

You've been through A LOT! And need some time to get your head around what's just happened and caring for your newborn. Everyone else can wait.

Congratulations mama. I had a rough delivery and understand how you're feeling.

Just say no. You've had a difficult time. Just say you feel like shite and just want to be left alone to recuperate for a bit.

It's not as though the baby isn't going to be any less of a new arrival to the family in a week or two.

I didn't see anyone for three weeks after a tricky birth, because I didn't want to.

Say that you won't be up to hosting family this Christmas this year. Full stop. And tell them that you're also feeling sore and overwhelmed since your recent return from hospital and that you're still trying to find your feet but that you'll be in touch to let them know when they can (make a time limited) visit.

Absolutely say no to hosting Christmas. But don't put a ban on visitors. You'll feel better soon and may well want to show your baby off!

They keep saying "no pressure" but every other text they are asking to visit and discussing pans for Christmas.

I would prefer to wait at least until January before I have visitors as I am still recovering from everything.

I just dont like how they just take it upon themselves to invite themselves over.

Maybe its just my hormones!

You’re not unreasonable- however neither are they.
They probably don’t understand the magnitude of what you have been through. Just set a date for January- be too dismissive then don’t be surprised if no one then bothers- equally fine to set boundaries.

At the end of the day it's up to you but I wouldn't be surprised if people don't bother to come and see you if you're going to make everyone wait another 6 weeks before they can say hello. Distant family yes but are you not letting grandparents/aunties/uncles not come?

I'm not saying get them round today but people are likely mentioning xmas because realistically if I was your family member I would think you would be ready for a visit by then (not xmas day!).

Would you even make the grandparents wait until January before meeting their new grandchild? It seems extreme to me. Better to take control of the situation yourself and request that no one pops by unannounced but they can see the baby on x date.

Whenever they start talking about Christmas plans reply with some thing like

“that’s nice for you; we haven’t made any plans yet, we won’t be organising anything until much nearer Christmas and, when we do, it will be very low key and just the 3 of us”.

If they mention staying at yours the reply is something along the lines of

”it’s nice you want to stay here but we’re not hosting anyone this Christmas so you’ll have to make other arrangements”

When they go on about coming to visit say

“thanks for wanting to come but, as you know, it’s been a very rough time for @charlieblue7 and she is still recovering. Once she’s better from the various infections and feeling up to it, we’ll be in touch to arrange for you to meet the baby.”

Or, for all 3 situations, “no, that doesn’t work for us; bye for now!”

Stop answering every text and WhatsApp message, put caller display on the phone if you have it; just ignore the intimations and suggestions about what arrangements they’re making on your behalf.

Yanbu. Your wellbeing is the important thing there.
They can visit when you are all settled and you have recovered. I have bitter experience of this and still get a bit twitchy 17yrs on.

You are not being unreasonable and it isn’t just hormones, they are bonkers without boundaries to impose themselves on you.

The initial discomfort of setting a clear boundary is worth the relief of the long term freedom of their hassle and any distraction and energy drain that it’s causing you.

Congratulations on your baby!

More than reasonable to hold off on confirming any plans, but Christmas isn't for another 4/5 weeks. You never know, you might be feeling better and needing someone to squeal over your little squishy baby and/or let you rest for a bit by then.

Don't make any decisions until you need to, is what I'm saying.

Stop being so nice and tell them you aren't having people over for Christmas. Set your own timings for when you want people over.

Congratulations on your baby! Please do not be bullied into having any visitors until you feel well enough. Tell them what you've told us and insist that you will be spending Christmas at home with just your husband and the baby. Perhaps you could send them some videos of the baby as it's understandable they want to see him/her. You're an adult and you can decide who visits you and when. Please don't cave in - put your physical and mental health first because that's what your baby needs you to do at the moment until you're fully recovered.

We didn’t want visitors at first, people were still excited to meet the baby when they did get the chance, we lived a bit further from family so no one would have been popping in for a few hours, they’d need to stay or get a hotel. We had no visitors for the first 4 weeks then just a few visitors at a time. If we lived closer it might have been more difficult to manage but it’s a time to put yourself first.

It's completely fine to say no to all plans until you feel better. Just tell everyone that with all complications after giving birth you need time to recover but hopefully in January you are well enough to start meeting. I see it a lot here that family members try to come over/invite over straight after someone has given birth which is understandable but this is about you, baby and your DH doing what is best for you as a family now. Just be open with your DH so he can support you. And congratulations!

Well said,