Am I too soft on teen

[Sohelpmegod11]

iv had a real run of it since year 8
my dd has struggled to find her people and hangs around with people in the year above
I thought I was keeping a close eye on this

it’s just transpired that back in July a code went round of her and another girl having a fight in town
to be fair the other girl hit her first she then hit her back being goaded by a large group of others
im heart broken
I check on her every hour limit the time she’s out in just completely in shock
we have had a chat I have said there will be tighter rules about who and where she is in future. Am I being too soft shoukd I ground her for ages? Or understand the predicament she was in. I’m sad she felt too worried to say anything and went through this alone . I don’t know if I’m being played but the way she tells it is like she didn’t have a choice but to hit back otherwise she feels it would have been worse

this was in a very public place, I don’t allow her to go anywhere that’s not public

Was she defending herself then? I don't condone fighting but struggling to see what the alternative was for her in that moment. I agree hanging round with older kids is a precursor in this instance. Although not always a detrimental thing.
Harsher boundaries and repercussions do you think?

No. You’re being too hard, the key issue is she can’t talk to you.

What ? Why? After Saying shes no alternate you’re like but hey give her some harsh punishment??

The thing that’s shocked me is she tells me a lot but not this. It sounds like it was something that just got completely out of hand
I want to react accordingly but at the same time I can see things escalating in her life and want to support her to reign it back

So she fought hack and defended herself, and this was months ago? No of course you don't ground her for this. You need to chat to her and find out why she felt she couldn't come to her mum for support.

Agree, this must have been very distressing for her, who would punish for that?

Op maybe she didn’t come to you for support because your go to here was to punish her for this.

I'd apologise to her actually. How sad that she felt like she couldn't come to you.

I'd explain that you always want the best for her, but life isn't a Disney movie and shit happens. It might be scary but if she's in trouble or made a mistake then it's easier to work through it together. I'd think about my own reactions- do I shout and get dramatic, override her feelings etc when she does come to me with stuff.

I also don't think hitting back is a punishable offence. Chat shit get banged, after all!

I think you're going to lose any kind of honesty or openness from your daughter if you carry on being so harsh with her. Poor girl, she got walloped in front of her peers, and you're giving her a hard time for defending herself. It must have been a horrible, humiliating and deeply unnerving experience for her. Did she not tell you because she knows you won't stick up for her?

My parents, particularly my mother, were like this and I stopped telling them anything. It had a really detrimental effect on me (trust issues) and on our relationship.

You don't sound like a kind supportive DM from what you're telling us

I feel very sorry for your DD

If you read my post I’m actually asking am I being too soft? Becusee I haven’t done anything other than say to her she’s going to need to be in safer atmosphere’s so that doesn’t happen again. Iv been quite clear I understand if someone hits you you would hit them back. I have said what I am upset about is that she couldn’t come and tell me. Sadly we had a death in the family at the time and so she suffered it a alone

You’re not being too soft, no.

You can micromanage children as much as like and they’ll still find ways to get into trouble. Just talk to her. Make her feel comfortable in coming to you with issues like this, because Year 7 to 9 is tough for friendships and they need an outlet.

If you punish her now, you will just alienate her. And I think punishing her for defending herself is going into walkover territory.

I tell my daughter not to start any ish, but to feel free to defend herself if someone raises their hand to her.

Thank you

I just feel so criticised by everyone around me they think I’m not hard enough I’m just trying to do my best

it just sounds like it’s a situation that got out of control she didn’t know it was going to end like that and she told me she cried for months after. I’m being told she is playing me though

Disgusting it can be videod by them all im
moy sure if there’s anything I can do about that ?

@Sohelpmegod11 Im sorry you’re being criticised, but I don’t believe this is the one that should drive you to come down hard on your daughter.

I can’t abide lax parenting, but I don’t think you can be accused of that here. It is unfortunate that it was recorded and I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that.
On camera it may look like a brawl, especially with lots of other children around goading; but she has a right to defend herself or she becomes a target for bullies. One incident does not make her a bad person, especially as the evidence shows she was defending herself.

Keep talking with her, let her know friendships get a bit easier by Year 10 (usually), and if her current friendship group has her acting out of character, it is a okay to step back and be ‘alone’ for a while. Better to be alone than badly accompanied.

If she’s gotten in with the wrong crowd (easily done when you feel alone), tell her that will also become a hindrance to other possible/better friendships, as other children will label her and likely give her wide berth.

Keep supporting her and try to spend as much time with her as you can (or she’ll allow 😊). Encourage friendships with extended family if she has them or with people in extra-curricular groups if she attends any.

💐💐