Historical church abuse; new things coming to light. TRIGGER WARNING.

[NCforeveryone]

I have NC'd for this as potentially outing.

Please stick with me because I really need some help. I don't know what to do.

I also want to say that I'm begging people not to turn this into a church-bashing thread. There are some amazing churches out there (I am very involved with one of them).

I grew up in a church choir (80s/90's).
Abuse was rife.

Choir Master, 46 at the time, was grooming and having sex (raping) my 13 year old friend. EVERYONE knew about it, including the priest. I confided in a teacher who rightly went to the police. Everyone then denied it, including the vicar and I was basically ignored by everyone for a very long time. Choir Master ended up marrying 13 year olds mother*

• 33 year old guy was having sex with my 14 year old friend

• Organist, over 40, having sex with my 14 year old friend, who he employed as a babysitter for his kids. He had already been kicked out of his previous church for inappropriate behaviour with a minor

Director of arts was sleeping with my 15 year old friend. He is also now married to her mother*

• My own Dad was violent and incredibly abusive (physical and sexual abuse to me), which I am pretty sure people knew about but kept quiet

This is where I need help;

We had a drama group at church and the Producer was always really creepy around the kids. Always pulling us really close for hugs whilst rubbing himself against us. Asked us about boyfriends in a weird way. Was just.. 'inappropriate' somehow. I always felt very uncomfortable around him but he was always there. He would give me money for my birthday and Christmas (sometimes more than £200). He would turn up at the house and I would beg my Mum not to let him in but she always did because she knew it would end in 'money.'

This has continued. I'm now 43 and despite me telling him to stop sending money, he always does. I speak to him on the phone about once a year on the phone but he ends up crying and says "I'm so depressed, I could kill myself. You are the only person I have got. I have to help you with money."

I now live away from my home church, but I heard last night that he has been banned from the church. In my heart I know it's because of some kind of inappropriate behaviour but I also know that nobody will be able to tell me. I'm horribly triggered by all of this.

Do you think I should phone someone at that church and ask to speak to someone about it? Even if it is to say "he was always inappropriate with us as kids."

I don't know how I feel or what I want.

I have BPD from childhood trauma and this is really flaring everything up.

YABU - Don't call the church
YANBU - Ring them

Don't call the church. Call the police and tell them everything you've put in this post.

And the creepy producer...block his number. Change your bank account so he can't transfer you money and return any mail to the post box marked unknown at this address. Cut him out.

I don't think you should call the Church, they won't be able to tell you anything and you don't know how much of the previous toxic dynamic continues.
Report to the police.
If it's CofE, report to the safeguarding team for that diocese, they will have a policy in place to support survivors.
I'm sorry this happened to you and your friends 💐

Oh love, I am so sorry for what you went through and that your Mum didn't listen you and just wanted the money. That was too much. Firstly, protect yourself and don't allow these people in your life. Second, I agree with either contacting safeguarding or the police. I hope you are having or have had therapy and I hope you are looking after yourself following the abuse you experienced.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I've just had a coffee with my lovely friend and we are going to think on this over the next few days. X

I think if you want support and help processing things, don't go back to your old church for this. Use a counsellor, friends, any resources that your new church can offer. If you are looking for action go to the police.