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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have accused him of cheating

15 replies

Sweetpea143 · 23/11/2023 08:16

I feel like im being awful. Partner has a history of messaging women online. He came off social media 2 years ago and his phones pretty empty. It was his choice. Relationships been good since. Until the last few months. He lost his job 2 months ago and hasn't been looking as he's due surgery. I know he's in severe pain. Our sex life came to a grinding holt 2 months ago and its felt pretty distant without it. Life has felt all about the heavy stuff. I've communicated and suggested ways to be closer without having physical sex.

Anyway certain things like when he's checking the sports scores every 20 mins he's over explaining but also his thumbs are at a 100 miles an hour and then he will start shouting random nonsense through making no sense. Over performing checking the results.

I went through his phone and saw photos of a married woman he'd downloaded of fb. She's not engaging with my partner but he's clearly been looking. She's a relation of his ex too.

I then went onto the interent history and he was on a dating app website under a fake name and 2 years younger. No pics though! We had a big row and he denied it but shut me down so we never discussed the profile.

A week later I have a day out in a city and was meant to go to his that evening after. Around 3pm he said you'll be exhausted sweetheart you should go home and come down in the morning. So I agreed. Around 5pm he said he was ready for bed. At 5.30 he said he was about to make food then he'd go to sleep. 6.15pm I said I was back in our town. He didn't open it or reply. He was dog sitting my dog for me. He text me at 5am saying morning just got up. The dogs were a nightmare. He then said he'd been up since 2am on the sofa because the dogs were acting up. I went down and he went straight in the bath. He appeared to be in the same chill out clothes he'd been wearing the day before. There was speck of muck on his hoodie from tea. Whilst in the bath I noticed a long blonde/white hair on the sofa cushion..I picked it up and asked why it was on his sofa. He said maybe one of us brought it in by accident. I then said did you have someone over. He grabbed his phone and said go through it. He read out all his contacts. I told him people could delete things and hide things if they need to.

He's been up and down all week. I had a job interview Monday. Got the job. He said how proud he was of me. Then that night we hugged for ages. Yesterday he was mopey and quiet with me and I didn't go down as he sounded half asleep all day. Heard from him at half 5 then nothing else until 2am.

This morning I blurted out to him I feel like he's cheating on me after he said loads of people have been talking about I'm a celebrity to him. Considering he doesn't leave the flat or have any friends or family talking to him I asked who? He said he wasn't going to talk to me when I'm being paranoid. I asked again who's been talking to you about watching this program. He refused to tell me.

Am I being unreasonable. He's awaiting surgery. In agony and on medication but it still feels strange.

OP posts:
Gt86 · 23/11/2023 08:19

You sound hard work

Lamelie · 23/11/2023 08:21

It all sounds like a lot of drama.
In the whole post you don’t mention your feelings for him.
The no sex, sketchiness with his phone, ensuring you don’t go round one evening. Leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2023 08:23

This relationship should have ended ages ago. It's toxic and doomed to fail.

EvilElsa · 23/11/2023 08:29

This relationship is dead and done. You will never trust him, he probably is trying to cheat. Sounds miserable. Give it up and move on to something happier.

Jk987 · 23/11/2023 08:32

He doesn't sound like a good catch. A history of messaging women, setting up a dating profile while already in a relationship etc etc...

The fact you have his phone password and feel the need to check it is a very bad sign. There's no trust at all.

10HailMarys · 23/11/2023 08:35

He has a history of messaging other women and you are now never going to trust him. Your relationship is toxic and dysfunctional; there’s no future in this.

wholecupcake · 23/11/2023 08:37

Look. You don't trust him. Just get rid. There's no point dragging the relationship out. You don't need "proof". Just be done with it all and move on.

Catza · 23/11/2023 08:44

So what is your evidence for cheating exactly? One hair? That's not a lot. I also find it hard to believe that a man has not single family member or friend to talk to.
I think once you feel the need to check your partner's internet history, the relationship is doomed anyway. I don't actually think he has done anything wrong based on what you are saying but one of you should end the relationship nonetheless.

Sweetpea143 · 23/11/2023 09:00

He was on a dating site last week made a profile

Hair on sofa.
Hiding his phone in the wash basket.
Had photos of his exes sister in law all over it.
Deleted all pics out his phone including selfies hes taken with the dog. He actually asked if he had sent a pic of him hugging the dog then said he couldn't remember if he had taken it.
He hasn't slept with me for 2 months

He has stopped wanting photos of me.

OP posts:
Sweetpea143 · 23/11/2023 09:00

His family don't talk to him and he has no friends.

OP posts:
DarcyParty · 23/11/2023 09:01

Closure is a gift you give yourself. If you believe he's probably cheating then dump and move on, live your best life.

EvilElsa · 23/11/2023 09:02

So what's holding you there OP? You get one life. Don't waste it on this shit.

HerMammy · 23/11/2023 09:09

he said loads of people have been talking about I'm a celebrity to him.
what does this even mean?
just end it, you clearly don't trust him
or even like him

Catza · 23/11/2023 09:49

Sweetpea143 · 23/11/2023 09:00

He was on a dating site last week made a profile

Hair on sofa.
Hiding his phone in the wash basket.
Had photos of his exes sister in law all over it.
Deleted all pics out his phone including selfies hes taken with the dog. He actually asked if he had sent a pic of him hugging the dog then said he couldn't remember if he had taken it.
He hasn't slept with me for 2 months

He has stopped wanting photos of me.

You said he was in pain waiting for surgery. So is my partner and sex has been tricky for the last couple of years. He also stopped surfing, hiking and even going on a long-ish walk with the dog wipes him out and causes hip pain. This is not evidence of anything apart from him being in pain.
To be perfectly honest with you, if I knew my partner was in a habit of checking my phone, I would be hiding it too.
Each situation can be looked at from two sides and we don't know what is actually going on. I would bet that if I told you I know a person who is vulnerable due to health condition, doesn't have any support network, barely leaves the house and has a partner who regularly checks their phone, confronts them about their web activity, notes what they are wearing, checks the couch for evidence of hair and bodily fluids etc, you would conclude that the person may be a victim of coercive control. Now, I am not suggesting this is what is happening here but it is worth thinking about how every situation can appear differently based on various points of view.

Sceptical123 · 23/05/2024 10:11

I’d be suspicious OP. His moodiness could be pain, genuine frustration at what he perceives to be paranoia and suffocation from you, or guilt deflection because he’s cheating. I hope it resolves itself soon.

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