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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I will never know, but…

15 replies

Philippa99 · 22/11/2023 23:12

My soon to be ex husband had two affairs throughout our marriage, both with other married women, the last one was a work colleague. The fallout was catastrophic. Both marriages failed and five children across both terrible upset. We’re now fourteen months down the line and I’m attending counselling as I found it really hard to cope with the deceit - they had slept together in our marital home whilst children were sleeping upstairs - just really awful behaviour. Now that I’m emerging from the fog, I’m starting to think that there may have been more affairs - most namely with another married colleague. I remember about three years ago, when I thought I was in a happy marriages, meeting th is colleague at a work event and recognising her name as someone my then husband talked about as uber stressed, incapable mess etc. I wanted to be polite so introduced myself and her face went white and later she had to go home as she felt terribly unwell. Now this could be totally totally unrelated but at the time, I remember thinking I got an odd reaction from her bur couldn’t put my finger on why…

OP posts:
Refbuckethat · 22/11/2023 23:14

Agree. Suspect she'd slept with him

Philippa99 · 22/11/2023 23:15

I should also say that after I discovered the latest affair, I looked through old work emails and there were ‘flirty’ ones talking about his masculinity 🥴
All his female colleagues are married but there just seems to be this culture of constant flirtation which of course my ex husband just could not resist.

OP posts:
Boomarang · 22/11/2023 23:16

Your poor ex- being bombarded with flirty coms ‘he couldn’t resist’.

Philippa99 · 22/11/2023 23:17

I know / that was in no way blaming anyone but him by the way. Sarcasm fail.

OP posts:
Boomarang · 22/11/2023 23:20

Your ex is the issue here. Not the culture, not the flirty messages (regardless of their marital status). He was married to you and it was only HIS responsibility to make the choices he made.

Don’t like the sound of his colleagues at all but men’s poor helpless choices cannot be always blamed on deviant woman. He is a grown up. He made an active choice.

Hummusanddipdip · 22/11/2023 23:20

@Boomarang I read it as ops husband couldn't resist flirting, not that the flirting from the women meant he couldn't resist the affairs?

I agree there is a high chance she also slept with him. But knowing and not knowing won't change the fallout that his last affair caused.

I hope you're ok and the children are too.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 22/11/2023 23:20

He probably did but now you're rid of him. Sounds like he would have repeated the pattern.

Boomarang · 22/11/2023 23:22

Sorry OP. We crossed messaged.

I’m sorry he did this to you. Truly.

I guess I just didn’t want you explaining away his actions as ‘not his fault…’

I communicated crassly.

SimpleGesture · 22/11/2023 23:23

Well done for getting out, your ex sounds like a bombastic arswwipe.

Try not to dwell on it now though. You're probably right about there being other affairs, but you're free of it. It's time to start focusing on your future.

Avatartar · 22/11/2023 23:27

Keep your head up and imagine how crushed you’d be if you’d forgiven the others and stayed in the relationship only to uncover this likely 3rd woman whilst still together. OW was clearly overwhelmed having to go home, she probably thought you had nerves of steel at the time. You’ve had the last laugh by removing yourself from it all

Philippa99 · 22/11/2023 23:34

Thanks posters - you are right bout moving forward and I am and my children are, one day at a time. It isn’t all terrible - our home is much happier and ironically that was my reason for clinging on to my marriage even after the first affair. One day at a time but the above has just been niggling me and of course, I will never know. Many thanks.

OP posts:
Philippa99 · 22/11/2023 23:37

Oh and the suspected ow most likely thought I was daft as at that time, I was completely and utterly oblivious as my husband painted these women as not likeable and I used to find myself making excuses for them to him such as I’m sure they’re tired with children etc - so sad now but I know that was his deceitful track covering. ☹️

OP posts:
GreenClock · 22/11/2023 23:39

It’s likely. Or maybe she knew of the affair with their colleague and felt awkward and embarrassed around you. Either way, it doesn't matter now because you’re in a good place.

PhantomOps · 23/11/2023 00:12

This reply has been deleted

This is a previously banned troll so we've removed their posts.

RandomForest · 23/11/2023 02:33

I should imagine there will be other instances whereby you remember something amiss, and you will analyse these instances because you now know what he was always capable of.

Don't question your senses, not anymore.

Your eyes have been opened and now realise he was completely fake, a liar, a cheat, a man with no integrity, although it's good you no longer have to be with him, all this needs to be worked through, it's an awful betrayal, not just the affairs but him as the person you thought he was to who he actually is.

It's another layer to the trauma, to think you've been decieved over a very long time. I think most women who have been betrayed go through this, looking back on the relationship and wondering when the betrayals began.

Take care Flowers

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