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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to not offer help with childcare?

49 replies

Notablippifan · 22/11/2023 22:34

My husband's brother and his wife have recently had a very sweet little boy. He's now 3 months old.
My brother in law works full time and my sister in law is a stay at home first time mum, although she was trying to find her feet in her chosen career before she became pregnant.
Since having their little boy she has been offered work experience opportunities here and there (usually a week or so at a time). She is very insistent on doing this even though it's unpaid and instead of arranging more formal childcare she keeps asking other family members at very short notice to take care of their baby. Her husband has used up his holiday allowance so he can't take any more time off himself.
She's just been asked to work next week when I have some leave booked for myself and I'm finding I'm keeping my time off a secret from them so that they don't ask me to help. AIBU and selfish? I think I'm struggling to understand why she keeps wanting to leave her baby with other people so frequently when he's still so little.

OP posts:

Perthsmurf · 23/11/2023 07:29

OP you are NBU and probably need to put your foot down sooner rather than later. If people don’t start saying no, they’ll continue with this (and I say they, not her- childcare is a shared responsibility). She’s asking for the third time because people have said yes the other two times. If you’re not careful, this will move into a working assumption that family members will always do the childcare.

You cannot always hide your holiday time away from your BIL and SIL forever. I think, if you can, this is a good opportunity to say that you have some time off booked and have plenty of plans plus you need to catch up on rest. Perhaps say something along the lines of: you won’t be able to help out, but seeing as this is a long term plan have they considered some childcare options such as nursery, childminder etc.

Lovesgreen · 23/11/2023 07:46

Setting aside the other points for a minute I don't know why people are so negative about unpaid internships for a week here and there. For people trying to break into a career they can be invaluable for using on applications and points of discussion within interviews. In Mumsnet world we are all told how important it is to be able to support ourselves?!

laladoodoo · 23/11/2023 08:14

You're very judgemental about her leaving her baby - some people have to go back to work at this stage so please do not parent shame.

It's also admirable that she wants to better herself and develop a career in an industry that is difficult to succeed in.

It's not reasonable for her to except family members to constantly pick up last minute childcare.

10HailMarys · 23/11/2023 09:11

YANBU not to want to help with childcare, but as you haven’t told them you’re on leave and they hasn’t asked you, this is a non-issue anyway. There’s no need to tell them.

YABU to ‘struggle’ with the idea of her leaving the baby with family for a week’s work here and there because he’s young. Whether she’s happy to be apart from the baby for a bit isn’t your business.

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/11/2023 09:27

She is trying to keep her career going after having a child, good on her and shame for anyone judging because "mummy should stay home whilst daddy is at work"!

Unpaid work experience/internships is a reality in many industries, not it's not fair on her, yes she would rather get paid! But it's the only way she will get enough experience to land a paid job someday. She doesn't have a choice, clearly can't afford childcare, hence she is asking family to help.

There is nothing wrong with her asking, and nothing wrong with you refusing (although you're not saying she actually asked you? Whether she did ask other family members is none of your business). You don't have to "hide" and no one should blame you for it. Though if you feel the need to start a thread about it, it it's probably because you know deep down you feel a little bit selfish...

CattingAbout · 23/11/2023 09:33

YANBU at all to keep your time off work a secret and not help with childcare

But YABU to just throw in "instead of arranging more formal childcare" like it's a straightforward thing to just get paid childcare for a single week here and there. That's not usually how it works at all.

SpringingJoy · 23/11/2023 09:40

I wouldn't get into the habit of hiding my annual leave or feeling awkward about it tbh. You're heaping a load of unnecessary stress on yourself.

Don't hide your leave but just be prepared with a very polite decline response - and NOT one that gives any indication you'd do it next time. The worst thing people say is 'Oh I'd love to but...' or 'I wish I could but...'

If she asks just say 'Oh sorry I can't look after baby next week, I've got too much planned for my leave. Hope you get it sorted though x' or similar.

ElevenSeven · 23/11/2023 10:23

But YABU to just throw in "instead of arranging more formal childcare" like it's a straightforward thing to just get paid childcare for a single week here and there. That's not usually how it works at all.

Not OP’s issue. They need to do whatever they would do if she/anyone else wasn’t available.

The answer might be that she can’t do the internship.

LifeIsALemon · 23/11/2023 10:56

If she's doing unpaid internships I absolutely understand why she can't afford formal childcare. However, that in no way means anyone has to feel obligated to help out. It's absolutely your choice to say no/keep quiet as much as it's her choice to try and gain some experience.

Three weeks is a lot in three months though. It's a quarter of the time. She needs to be careful that she's not taken advantage of by agencies knowing she's
trying to break into the industry after maternity.

Unpaid internships can give experience sure but how long do you have to keep doing it before you get a paid job?

no one should be having to work a week here and there at a tonne of places for free. There comes a point where you are just a free temp.

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/11/2023 10:57

ElevenSeven · 23/11/2023 10:23

Not OP’s issue. They need to do whatever they would do if she/anyone else wasn’t available.

The answer might be that she can’t do the internship.

Edited

But why? If other family members are happy to look after the baby to allow the mother to do that unpaid work, why is it an issue or any of OP's business?

Read again, at no point did the SIL ask anything to OP. OP is just making assumptions that "it's because she doesn't know I'm off" (but in reality has no clue).

At this stage, it's just mean gossip.

Muchof · 23/11/2023 11:06

You are being grossly unfair and judgemental. My sister had to go back to work when her baby was nine weeks old because she chose a waste of space to have a baby with and she simply had no option.

I was a student at the other end of the country at the time and I was very happy to save my sister a bit of money on childcare and look after my niece for a day or two when I was visiting. She isn’t after regular childcare and hasn’t even asked you, but I honestly don’t know what would be so bad about offering to cover one day. Would it not even be nice? 🤷‍♀️

PippyLongTits · 23/11/2023 11:20

I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's 3 month old baby for a week. I wouldn't want to use up my annual leave for that either. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I also don't think it's "judgey" to suggest that being packed off to different family members for a week at a time might not be the best decision for a newborn baby. For goodness sake, everyone has an opinion on this sort of thing, and I find it totally bizarre that @Notablippifan is being called out for it. If it was the best thing for a baby, why isn't every new mother encouraged to do this? Or have we all made a judgement that it wouldn't be right for our kids? The parents aren't making the best decision for the baby, they are making the best decision for their future career prospects. That's fine and a perfectly valid choice to make, but it really isn't in the baby's best interests, is it? And to pile on OP doesn't make it so.

EvenBetta · 23/11/2023 11:28

All the detail is irrelevant, none of this is anything to do with you. If they ask you to babysit their infant, say you can’t. Not wanting to provide childcare for someone is not selfish, and if it was, so what?

EvenBetta · 23/11/2023 11:30

@Muchof this is not the OPs sister. Me, and plenty of other people would absolutely not find providing childcare ‘nice’.🤷🏻‍♀️

TolkiensFallow · 23/11/2023 12:43

Looking after someone else’s 3 month old is a lot to ask and for her as a new mum it’s a bit of a learning curve around this. In many ways you putting in boundaries would probably be helpful but I also totally understand that life’s easier if you just keep your leave quiet. Really if it’s that important the babies dad could take annual leave.

Ihadenough22 · 23/11/2023 16:00

I would keep quiet about your annual leave if you feel that you will be expected to mind sil 3 month old baby. If they know your available they will expect you to do this and your not going to be able to do any of the things you planned.

I know she is taking unpaid work on occasion to break into a particular work role/area.
Some work places are quiet happy with unpaid people coming in and doing jobs but are never going to offer that person work.

Perhaps she needs to look into another work area and plan to do training now so when her baby is a bit older she can go back to work. Your brother and her need to make a few decisions now if they need a 2nd income coming into the home and they can't expect a free child minding service either.

Katemax82 · 24/11/2023 19:12

Just do as my b*tch sil did and say stuff like "my life can't revolve around babysitting, and " if you can't look after them, don't have them

SpringingJoy · 25/11/2023 18:55

Why do either of those things make your SIL a bitch @Katemax82?

Spirallingdownwards · 25/11/2023 19:01

YANBU to say no to providing childcare.

YABU to judge her for taking opportunities that may lead to paid employment which would further her future career just because she has a baby.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/11/2023 19:02

Katemax82 · 24/11/2023 19:12

Just do as my b*tch sil did and say stuff like "my life can't revolve around babysitting, and " if you can't look after them, don't have them

Why should your SIL have to provide babysitting for you though? Not doing so doesn't make her a batch.

IgnoranceNotOk · 25/11/2023 21:53

YANBU - who wants to spend their time off from work looking after someone else’s kids!
I’d like to take time off from work and my own kids 😂.
I’d not worry about telling them and just say your leave from work is to have a break and not to be looking after kids.

2jacqi · 25/11/2023 21:57

@Notablippifan I am struggling to understand the concept of her wanting to do work experience and not be paid for it!! doesnt she understand that it is not work experience but free employee for the business????? i wouldnt tell her I was off either OP!

JenniferBooth · 25/11/2023 22:35

@Katemax82 Bet you havent expected the same of a male relative or in law

Katemax82 · 25/11/2023 22:43

In reply about my SIL... we asked her once to watch our toddler after she had said she would be happy to help.out and she said she couldn't revolve her life around babysitting (for a couple of hours)
Then the "if you can't look after them, don't have them! " came after my husband asked if she knew any good childminders

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