So what standard of parenting is ‘good’ then?

[autumnnightsaredrawingin]

The thread earlier got me thinking, and I thought it would be interesting to hear what people think is good parenting? Good enough parenting? Non ideal parenting but not enough to warrant any involvement from agencies? This should also serve to show how subjective this subject is and show how those who said things like parenting courses and nursery from age 1 should be compulsory how unworkable that would be.

I will contribute my thoughts, I just don’t want to do a long opening post.

Why would nursery from one be considered a good thing? I'd hate that! I left mine with a childminder who I trusted, and I knew her plan B and plan C in case of sickness, and that I'd be notified if either of these plans were used. The hell am I leaving my pre verbal child with anyone I haven't personally vetted.

MN is full of perfect parents who think everyone else is a lazy parent. I wouldn't really take any notice of what the MN masses think makes a good parent.

It’s an interesting question. I’d say: kids are loved and respected by their parents, and more importantly feel that love and respect. Kids are given opportunities for fun and learning on a near daily basis. Parents are interested and engaged in their kids’ lives. Home feels like a safe place.

Sure others will add things and I’ll think ‘oh yeah that too!’

I have 2 ND DS’s and quite honestly, I’m winging it!

Good question. I think I'm a good parent. Not a perfect one. My children are loved, told they're loved, fed, clothed, made to feel a valued part of our family, are encouraged to follow what they love and to be who they want to be. Do clubs and get good school reports. But we sometimes eat shit food, I'm pretty shouty at times, they probably dont wash as often as they could, and they sometimes go to bed late as we have friends over and we're all drunk merry (they're 9 and 12).

Some of the above wouldn't be OK for some, but it's 'good' to me.

Me too! They are now teens.

Mine are 16 and 24, both have suffered bouts of poor MH. I count getting through a day with everyone alive as a win!

Parenting that fulfils all of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs all of the time, anything else is extra.
Fed nutritious food, sheltered appropriately, safe from physical, verbal, emotional abuse, extra curriculars to reach self actualization etc.

Parenting classes run over zoom/teams could be delivered to hundreds at a go, it has never been easier to reach the masses.

Donald Winnicott was the one who coined the phrase the 'good enough mother' in a study of transitional objects in a journal article published in 1953. His definition was this:

The good-enough mother … starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure.

So he's talking about something quite basic, a parental figure (ideally, but not necessarily, the biological mother) who is able to devote his/herself to a small baby's needs in a sustained way at the complete dependence stage, and then to be attuned enough as the child grows up to adjust her parenting to keep step with the child's increasing independence and ability to tolerate not having all their needs met -- this is what he sees as the basis for good mental health in later life.

I don't think 'not quite meeting the threshold for social services involvement' is what's being discussed.

I think good parenting is a safe, secure home where a child is cared for with adequate physical care (teeth, bathing, medical care, eye test etc), emotional (empathy, love, kindness), and good boundaries around behaviour, respect for themselves and respect for others.

Encouraging learning, supporting them in doing as well as they are able to at school or other pursuits. I think building a can do attitude and to be ok with making mistakes (they are just a pit stop on the way to getting better at something) not over-indulging hesitancy or negative feelings (always acknowledge feelings they are real but they are often also transient and I don’t think extreme levels of introspection are good for anyone).

I get quite a bit of that wrong so it’s more a list of aims than stuff I actually achieve!

Poor parenting is neglect of either your kids health, emotions, no boundaries, no expectations, not teaching them the societal norms that will aid them in their way (politeness, respect for themselves and others etc) , over indulgence to the point where a child can’t cope in a world that doesn’t do what they want or they become massively entitled. Being blasé about criminality or cruelty (pretending it’s not a big deal if your kid bullies or vandalises etc).

I don’t think anyone can be a perfect parent but it’s not that hard to be a not extremely shit one tbh. Half the time I don’t know what I’m doing or I regret what I’ve just done. I think probably a big part of it is caring enough that you might be fucking it up, you are probably a reasonable parent.

Anyone who thinks nursery should be compulsory for barely verbal or non verbal kids, has lost the plot.

It also makes me wonder if they never socialise their children outside of a formal setting.

The inescapable fact is that parents are just people with distinct personality traits and when they become parents those traits are going to dictate what parenting model they follow to a fairly significant degree. It’s also true that you may well have two ( or more) children who would benefit from very different parenting styles but that’s pretty hard to achieve in practice, especially if the dc are together a lot.

Good enough is fine. You’re not a bot.

Love this. 😊

My kids are young adults now and they would’ve described their childhood like this (including the shouting and staying up late at family parties running around with the other kids while all the adults were drinking!) They talk about their ‘idyllic’ childhood and they’re all doing well, so we must’ve done something right!

We were quite strict when they were little, stricter than other parents I think. But as they grew, and especially as they became teenagers we loosened the reigns and we were far more trusting and treated them as adults. Some of our friends couldn’t believe what we ‘strict’ parents let our teens do. But they never let us down because they knew the boundaries. They knew if they fucked up they’d lose the grown up freedoms they’d earned and enjoyed.

I think the key to good parenting is lots of love but very solid boundaries. Once they hit secondary school you need to have made sure you’ve taught them how to be independent and have good self esteem and self control. After that you’ve just got to trust that your parenting will have done its job!

I believe myself to be a good parent.

For me the minimum is:

Well fed, warm, clothed
Feeling safe and knowing they are loved
Physical and emotional healthcare
Guidance and boundaries
Able to join in with at least some of the social activities of their peer group

Aww thanks@Screamingabdabz I hope my kids grow up talking about their idyllic childhood too! (Funnily enough my mum used to call it the screamingabdabz as well.. maybe that's a sign!!)

They will I’m sure - you sound like a lovely family!

Yes got it from my mum - how funny!

I like to think I’m a good parent, both kids seem happy and (hopefully 😂) well rounded. That said DH and I have a running joke that if they’re still alive and unharmed at the end of the day we’ve done ok so read into that what you will.

This nails it

In fairness, such a high proportion of Mners appear to struggle with the most basic social interactions, and prefer to never leave the house, so it's perfectly possible that in some cases, nursery or a childminder setting might give them more interaction with other human beings.

The problem with definitions of good enough parenting is that it depends on who is looking -- my parents, for instance, of whom I am very fond, think they were perfectly adequate parents because, by their lights, they were. There was enough basic food and clothing in the sense that no one had holes in their shoes or was actually hungry, and we had a roof over our heads. That's all they got from their own parents, and that's all they were able to give us, they were so busy putting said food on the table, and stopping us from being in the way of the older relatives whose house we lived in. It was a miserable way to grow up, without any individual attention, having learned very early not to ask for anything because the money wasn't there, not to invite friends around, because the food wasn't there, and without any sense that they would stand up for us in a situation where we needed protection.

But they don't see that, and don't understand why they've produced four children who are childfree by choice and one who is parenting very differently. They think my parenting is crazily indulgent,