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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's refused to see ds.

19 replies

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 13:58

I'm just projecting. I need somewhere to post.

Separated from abusive exh in September. Police called but no charges have been made.

Exh has not seen ds (5) since the day I called the police. I have obviously not been pushing for contact.

Today he got in touch and asked me to start to file for divorce - he's got a new girlfriend. I have already spoken to a solicitor and I'm just waiting on my legal aid and then will start proceedings. That's fine, he just wasn't happy I was using a solicitor.

He then asked if he could see ds on Saturday. I replied with 2 things:

  • if he wants to see ds then he can but he is not allowed at my house and i do not want to see him. He knows this already. He can collect ds from my mum and drop off with her.
  • I said that it is not good seeing ds for an odd day. He hasn't seen him in 5 weeks now. We need to set up a regular day and time which is for the best interests of ds.

He responded that he never wants to see my mum ever again so we will just leave it.

My mum has done absolutely nothing wrong. She did a hell of a lot of ex H in the 8 years we were together. He thinks that she's been twisting things and has been putting crap into my head and that's why we are no longer together. Which really is the opposite. My mum is as soft as anything and can't see how abusive he really is.

So anyway, I gave him his chance to see ds and that was his reason for turning it down.

He also told me that he wants nothing to do with his older daughter anymore. I can't remember his exact wording but he said he 'can't fucking be doing with her' or something along those lines. I'm very close to her still - I class her as my daughter and always will. She's 18.

I just can't get my head around how bad he is. I know he's bad but it's almost like I'm numb to it all.

OP posts:
birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 14:01

Just to add that I think it's best the ds doesn't see his dad. However I won't refuse contact - if he can put ds first and arrange a set time and day with me then I will be very wary but I would consider it.

He just isn't interested. I know I'm well in my rights to not have to see him for contact. I'm not ready to see him at all. Therefore I think I've done the right thing in offering contact but protecting myself.

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 22/11/2023 14:02

See this as a favour to you and your son - I know it’s really hard but he’s giving you the best outcome which is that you don’t want his influence in your son’s life. It sounds like your son will be much much better off without him.

just be careful if it ever goes to court that he doesn’t say you’re blocking him seeing his son - keep all messages etc as evidence.

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 14:06

Woahtherehoney · 22/11/2023 14:02

See this as a favour to you and your son - I know it’s really hard but he’s giving you the best outcome which is that you don’t want his influence in your son’s life. It sounds like your son will be much much better off without him.

just be careful if it ever goes to court that he doesn’t say you’re blocking him seeing his son - keep all messages etc as evidence.

100% you are correct.

He has 3 children and he isn't actually seeing any of them at the moment which I think suits him down to the ground.

This was in a phone call though - I'm kicking myself for it now. It should always be in an email!' But I do have an email from him a couple of weeks ago which said he doesn't want to see ds for a while. I told the solicitor this and she wrote it down.

I doubt he would take me to court. He's in a lot of debt and is apparently saying to go to turkey to get new teeth 😂 something else he told me....nice to see where his priorities are.

Wtf did I marry 🙄

OP posts:
NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 22/11/2023 14:11

What a prick. Well done for getting rid of him.

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 14:13

Honestly, both your son and your stepdaughter are better off without him. He doesn't love them and he would simply treat them as badly as he's treated you. The only reason he suddenly decided he wanted to see DS was because his new girlfriend will (understandably) have asked why he isn't seeing his children, and because he wanted an excuse to come to your house and intimidate you. He doesn't give a shit about his son and he never will.

NameChange1019 · 22/11/2023 14:16

Follow up with an email re-offering the set weekly contact (best interest for DS to have stability and structure) and that it will be 3rd person hand over then he cannot twist.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 22/11/2023 14:18

Email him:

Writing to confirm the content of our telephone conversation on X for the avoidance of future misunderstanding

  1. You requested contact with DS on Saturday
  1. I confirmed I'm happy to discuss contact under the following conditions:
  • Contact does not take place at my house.
  • DS can be collected from my mum and dropped off with her after.
  • Contact needs to consider DS's best interests and therefore we should agree regular contact rather than adhoc arrangements
  1. You declined to collect DS from my mum and prefer to have no contact

To be clear I remain open to discuss contact that is in DS's best interests. Please get back in touch if your position changes

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 14:31

I have sent him emails saying how handovers have to be but I will do it again just to back up the phone conversation.

I feel so bad for ds but I know I'm doing the right thing by protecting him. Who in their right mind ever speaks about their kids that way? I know full well she just probably asked him for a lift or something like that.

During this phone call, he told me to just 'think of the good times'

He also got cross when I told him how social services have backed me up.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 22/11/2023 14:33

Sounds like DS is better off without him.
Raise him your way. Without dead beat men around.

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 14:36

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 22/11/2023 14:11

What a prick. Well done for getting rid of him.

Thank you! 🎉👏🏻😂

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birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 14:38

Mariposista · 22/11/2023 14:33

Sounds like DS is better off without him.
Raise him your way. Without dead beat men around.

Ds seems absolutely fine. I know he may be confused inside but I am supporting him as best as I possibly can we really are very close. I know seeing his dad as a one off on Saturday won't do him any good. It will just upset him if anything.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 22/11/2023 14:39

Exactly. Kids need routine and to know where they are and who their family are. This man is not contributing anything useful to his life

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 14:49

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 14:13

Honestly, both your son and your stepdaughter are better off without him. He doesn't love them and he would simply treat them as badly as he's treated you. The only reason he suddenly decided he wanted to see DS was because his new girlfriend will (understandably) have asked why he isn't seeing his children, and because he wanted an excuse to come to your house and intimidate you. He doesn't give a shit about his son and he never will.

I feel worried for the new gf. Don't get me wrong, it hurts a bit but I'm more worried than anything.

He's living with his mum, 3 kids that he doesn't currently see, up to his eyeballs in debt and a gambling addict, no possessions or anything. He's 41.

He's got nothing. He is literally just looking for somewhere to live and for someone to look after him again. He's clearly love bombing her but he has absolutely nothing going for him.

He's very charming though. It's annoying.

OP posts:
birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 15:00

Mariposista · 22/11/2023 14:39

Exactly. Kids need routine and to know where they are and who their family are. This man is not contributing anything useful to his life

Yes they do. I don't know really what he is planning on doing as he hasn't said. It's more about he just wants me to do the drop offs. He said it's best for ds 'to see his mummy and daddy together and getting on'

I told him no. It doesn't matter about that. I could simply drop ds off at my mums and tell him I'm just popping out to do my food shop and I would see him soon. Or something like that. No big deal.

But as he doesn't want to do that, it's coming across as though ds really isn't that important to him if he can't even pick him up from my mum - who has been nothing but kind and supportive for the last 8 years.

If I were to see exh, I would be a nervous wreck. My gp has given me medication to take to help calm me before I have to see or speak to him. Ds would be much better seeing his dad without me there.

OP posts:
GrannypantsMagee · 22/11/2023 15:10

What an absolute prick. Well done. It's hard to swallow, but a man that is abusive to their partner very often doesn't give a f about their kids either, no reasonable person can comprehend this but there is is 😖

Igmum · 22/11/2023 15:11

Well done for getting out and for being so incredibly sensible about visits. Yes, he is 100% a knob.

(Waiting for the post from the new GF asking whether these are red flags)

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 15:41

Igmum · 22/11/2023 15:11

Well done for getting out and for being so incredibly sensible about visits. Yes, he is 100% a knob.

(Waiting for the post from the new GF asking whether these are red flags)

The person that I am now - I don't understand why anyone wouldn't run a mile. But this comes after therapy, completing the freedom programme and working with woman's aid.

She will be vulnerable. He will be playing the victim and I can guarantee doing some sort of work on her house to make him seem amazing. Mix that with love bombing....she's well and truly sucked in.

OP posts:
Igmum · 22/11/2023 16:05

Fair point @birthdaylemon I was just so impressed at how clear eyed you are. I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and it took me literaterally years afterwards to realise just how toxic it had been and how much I needed boundaries. Love the way that you are dealing with this

birthdaylemon · 22/11/2023 16:15

Igmum · 22/11/2023 16:05

Fair point @birthdaylemon I was just so impressed at how clear eyed you are. I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and it took me literaterally years afterwards to realise just how toxic it had been and how much I needed boundaries. Love the way that you are dealing with this

Not to mention I will be the crazy ex wife. Which I wasn't....and any signs of craziness I may have shown was down to him and his gas lighting.

Have you ever thought of doing the freedom programme? I highly recommend it. Some of the women doing it had experienced abuse from years and years ago. It's never ever too late ❤️

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