To feel like my friends have forgotten about me?

[Mumofone2023]

I had a difficult birth and recovery for my first child who is now 6 months. I've had my two best friends since I was in school, we are really close but since having my DD I sense we've drifted. We're now in our 30s. We used to hang out a lot. Our hang outs were always chill, going to each other's houses / brunch / walks so it's not like we can't do that now. I've invited them round / tried to plan things out plenty of times and got last minute cancellations only to find out they were spending time with a mutual friend of ours instead. I can't think of anything I've done that might have offended them, totally appreciate they have their own lives, problems, schedules etc but I feel very lonely and sad that my closest friends have seemed to disappear now I'm a mum. They don't have children but I know one of them wants one soon. Has anyone ever felt their long standing friendships change after having a baby?

There is a shift in friendship when you have children - you don’t have as much in common. I’m sure it will change again once your other friend has a child, they will drift closer to you again.

It is different when you have children and hopefully you can maintain the friendship but you may want to find friends who have children as well.

having a child around changed the dynamics.

Also could any of them be struggling with fertility issues?

saying that it is not nice of them to cancel last minute.

If you’ve been close for about 15 odd years you can tell them this. Doesn’t have to be heavy. ‘Girls, it’s been a while and I’m missing our chats and get togethers. Any chance of getting something in the diary? I’m free on x.y and z dates to get the ball rolling.’

If you have the option of leaving your baby then do so at least half of the occasions and try with all of your might to talk about other stuff than your child. It’s hard but sadly, only you are as fascinated by them as you are.

I see, definitely feels that way and thank you I really hope so.

@HollidayHollie Definitely agree feels like the dynamics have changed, fertility issues I'm not aware of and we share a lot and that's not been mentioned but it could be on her mind. She's in early stages of a new relationship and I'm really happy for her.

@MatildaTheCat thanks so much I've tried that a few times and still get cancelled on, also when we have the odd chat I try to keep it about them and finding out how they are as I don't want to bore them about me, my little as my life is basically never sleeping, changing nappies /managing teething etc right now

I think focussing on the new mum friendships is probably for the best

Sorry to hear this OP, it can be lonely being a new mum. I think it was different for me as when I had my DD I was one of the last in my friendship group- everyone else had their kids already! When my friends started having kids (& I didn’t) I made a lot of effort to meet them on their terms as I wanted to keep the relationship going. That being said I did find it a bit harder to relate to them & them to me. I was single at the time. I think once you have kids they become your priority & you don’t always have as much time for your friends, it sounds as though you make a lot of effort though. Just keep making an effort & also hopefully you’ll meet some new mum friends too.

Yep 100%. If you want to find who your true friends are have a baby. If you want to get rid of the last few stragglers have another one….

I had my first baby in 2021 which meant I was pregnant during COVID restrictions. I kept in touch with friends throughout thought on zoom and whatnot. Before baby I had a very close knit friendship group of 10+ years. Me and my partner met through this friendship group so we where all very close.
Once I had the baby I they all came round to visit in the first few weeks but honestly since then even my closest of close ‘friends’ I have seen a handful of times. I had bad PND for a long long time and reached out for help and support from them and just got a lot of empty promises as my new child filled life no longer fit in with their child free one (and visa-Versa). Invites to outings and parties stopped and I know they happen as they post on social media every week. invites from myself for park, zoo, ice cream, coffee, walk, hell even just a visit where just ghosted.

fast forward to now and I have just had my second baby. Some of my ‘friends’ haven’t even sent a text to ask how we are or even just a congratulations on the group chat. I did go to a wedding of mutual friends while pregnant and basically just got told how disappointed everyone was that I wasn’t drinking. It’s extremely lonely as I have only made one new ‘mum’ friend to replace all those I lost and I feel like I lean on her way to much but honestly I think she is now my only real friend.

My two are school age now, but I was also the first to have children. Sad to say, my (previously lifelong) friends just disappeared. They have children now, but still didn't make much effort to reconnect. It's lonely as I sadly didn't manage to replace those friendships, but it is what it is. I hope your successful in making new mum friends OP. I imagine that most people drift when they have children first x

They’re crap friends- good friends make an effort- and that goes for those with the children and those without.

Do you insist on bringing the baby with you to all these proposed hang outs or would you be leaving him with dad? The first scenario would perhaps piss them off.

Sadly dynamics do change as you get older.

Are you suggesting to meet in the same places as before and do the same things? Or have your interests now changed?

It's been a very long time but I remember making the extra effort of continuing with my social life as if the baby didn't exist. For a few hours every few weeks, I would go out and pretend nothing in my life has changed. Shopping, cocktails and no mention of the baby. I needed that. My friends needed that. It kept everyone sane.