AIBU and high maintenance/hormonal? 8m pregnant and considering leaving OH?

[Roseymumma]

Please be kind or not too much judgement from this post 🙏 apologise in advance for what will probably be a long rambling essay! 😅 please feel free to skip but any advice greatly appreciated 🤗

Currently 37w pregnant with 3rd child -have been with OH over 2y. Both have 2 kids from previous relationship. (I had to leave family home of 8yr due to abusive ex) didn't have a penny to my name and no family or friends local. Ashamed to admit it has been a struggle for me juggling 2 kids+dog providing a home, whilst working full time in highly stressful job I didn't enjoy, but it covered bills. Wasn't well paid and have never been well off, but always been independent and tried my best to provide for my kids.

Relationship was great with OH and he wanted to try for a baby about 1yr ago. Initially I said no- for obv reasons. Worried about my situation as SM, timing and extra responsibility and pressure on us all adding new baby to the situation.
He has his kids EOW and was living with his parents. He earns good money but works 2 jobs atm, one nights. 6/7 days pw, alot of hours and working away.

He persisted with baby, he wanted to join our 2 families and I eventually agreed- but with conditions that we would make a real go of it. I would need security- move in get engaged, eventually married when finances allowed.
Am sadly not the type of woman who deals well with LDR and find dealing with family and home responsibilities all by myself hard. To which I also said although I have no wish to halt his career, if we were to fall pregnant, I would need support from him and would prefer him to not have to work as many hours or quite as far away- if possible. We need regular quality family time and good communication for it to work. Need to be a team.
He agreed with me he felt the same way.

He bought a place he wanted us to all move into, but has been put on hold now until my eldest goes to uni next summer, which was disappointing.
So now faced with having baby at mine living seperately for now.

We've spent no quality time together or made plans for months, when he is here he mostly sleeps or is on his phone - (I've caught him few times looking at other young attractive women) and I feel like a whale rn. He eats my food, i cook for him and doesn't really help out with anything. Doesn't provide any emotional or financial support. Hasn't really shown much interest in the pregnancy and stopped going to midwife or hospital appointments so i go alone now. He's no longer interested in me physically. I feel so insecure and unattractive and honestly pretty used.

Have been off sick from work since August for stress anxiety and pre natal depression. I haven't coped well like i imagined got burnt out and exhausted. Am racked with guilt over stopping work and the effect this all is having on my kids. Struggled to bond with bump the same 😔
I've somehow scraped money together to buy majority of things for baby. He did recently buy expensive baby monitor, pack of wipes+nappies.

I feel I have been so foolish, let the kids down and made a mistake. Can't help feeling disappointed he hasn't kept his word and I no longer trust him.
I feel very resentful and hurt and have been considering ending the relationship, as I am so unhappy and drained that will I notice much of a difference- that life might actually be easier without him.

I have stuck it out as I really care for his children and they have a good relationship with my own, he is still the father of my baby and I wanted this family so badly.
I am also so frightened of giving birth alone (had previous traumatic birth exp) and not having anyone to take care of my other children. Doing it all alone again as SM was my worst fear.
He said if he misses the birth there's not alot he can do about it and no plan to take time off work to be with me after.
I am very bitter I know its unhealthy, I can't help blaming him feeling he's made my life harder, that he asked me for this and has screwed me over.

I've tried to discuss things with him numerous times- but he has dismissed it or said some rather unkind things. One example being he will just walk away from me+baby. I won't see his kids again.
He feels I overreact or its my hormones, I'm looking for problems its my mental state. Everything he's doing he's killing himself by working so hard to provide for us all as a family and our future- I am more needy as a struggling SM and ungrateful. It's what most women do in family life and they cope fine so why cant I. So I then feel horribly guilty.

I appreciate how hard working he is and it must be tiring and stressful. I know I'm hormonal, am I being unreasonable for wanting more for myself and from him. Am I being unfair in considering ending this? How do I stop the negative toxic feelings.

He sounds a nightmare

I would usually caution against making any life changing decisions while your life is up in the air and your hormones are all over the place but he sounds like a total shit. You stop the negative, toxic feelings by removing yourself from the negative, toxic situation.

This is the reason that you need to have everything you want (home/family time/support etc) in place before you agree to have a child with someone but what’s done is done now. I think you need to start making preparations to do this without him. He is simply not good enough to be your partner. You absolutely can do this. You’ve done it before and, let’s be honest, you’re doing it by yourself now. And yes, realistically, you probably will lose your relationship with his DC. All you can do is tell them that you love them and that they are always welcome in your home.

He is abusive. You would be totally right to leave. I am sorry that you are going through this.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but why on earth did you get pregnant before all of this was in place? Or at least get the living situation sorted. It is a massive red flag that he pressured you to have this baby when you hadn’t even begun living together and testing if it would even work with you all operating as a blended family. I don’t think you are going to get the commitment or support you need from this man and I would look to plan for that accordingly.

My heart was sinking by the time I was a paragraph in, because I could already see where this was going: you went from a shitty abusive relationship straight into one not quite as shitty, but still abusive, as women so often do. His focus on coercing you into a baby that was so obviously a bad idea, and that you were so deeply unsure about, was a giant honking red flag.

You’re not over reacting. You’re not over sensitive. You need to start planning for a life without him. Don’t give the baby his name. If he isnt forth coming with an appropriate amount of maintenance apply for CMS immediately. And much as I appreciate you love his kids, don’t let him use them to emotionally blackmail you into accepting less. Toughen up a bit for your and your kids sake.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time leaving one abusive guy just to end up with another. You don’t deserve this treatment. I suggest contacting Women’s Aid about the Freedom Program.

I’d second NumberTheory’s advice to do the Freedom Programme. You need to learn how to recognise red flags or you’ll spend your life bouncing from one abuser to another.

He sounds dire.

TBH it sounds like leaving him will have little actual effect on your life - he doesn't live with you or support you in any way.

The only effect will be a positive one of not having a sponging leech sucking up your time and resources all the time.

So I say do it.

Bloody hell. You should absolutely leave him.

He basically bullied you into having a baby when he wasn't even living with you. He doesn't want to 'join your two families' by having a baby with you, he wants to control you be having a baby with you. He bought a house but won't let you actually move into it with him until your eldest goes to uni, even though you are HAVING HIS BABY?

OP, he is abusive. Surely you must see this?

He eats my food, i cook for him and doesn't really help out with anything. Doesn't provide any emotional or financial support.

He bought a place he wanted us to all move into, but has been put on hold now

I confess I haven't read all of your post but ummm... ??? His money is his but your money is also his? Get rid of this vampire sucking everything out of you. Once the baby is born start cms immediately. He wanted the baby he can pay for it.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and the advice. I agree, in hindsight I was foolish for agreeing anything when there wasn't any security already in place for me. I think looking back I was so desperate for a happy healthy relationship and a family after my previous experience, that I pushed aside the risks and believed and trusted him, just because he treated me better than my ex did. It is a tough pill to swallow but also needed to hear/read it. You are right I can't undo it, but can focus on me and my kids and I've survived before so can do so again. Thank you

I think he conned you into the baby to keep you trapped. Some men do show their abusive side only when their partner is pregnant or when the baby arrives because they think you won't be able to leave and you'll carry on being their cafe/housemaid/sex doll/cashpoint.

I know how hard it will be but show him he's wrong, that you will leave and that you respect yourself enough to do it. Why does he say his other relationship(s) ended that he has two children already? A repeating pattern perhaps, not that he will admit to it.

It's sad to say but you've made the age old mistake of agreeing to something based on plans that havent materialised that you should have waited to happen first. This is not your fault, you trusted someone, and hes a jerk. I know you think it's hard to be a sm, but deed down you know it's harder to be a mum with someone who doesnt live up to expectations.

I haven't heard of the freedom programme but after the comments I will look into it thank you. I expected lots of harsh comments and criticism or that I was indeed overreacting or being toxic.
I am disappointed and angry at myself for agreeing and getting pregnant given the situation. At the time I genuinely believed and trusted him and love his kids, I guess the dream of having the family unit I've always wanted was the carrot that was dangled in front of me. I do feel ashamed and embarrassed.
I hadn't even thought my current partner was or could be abusive after how bad my ex was. I thought I had gotten over that experience and had moved on, but from reading the comments it seems I am still trapped in that mindset and behaviour and let someone else take advantage of me. I haven't realised how low my self esteem or confidence still is.
It has been an eye opener and I will do my best now to take care of my kids by myself and work on myself and my mental health.

Being with someone just a year after a difficult and abusive relationship is not a good moment to decide to have a baby.

I guess I'd just encourage you to take a break after this and focus on your children.

You don't need a man to have a loving happy family.

Please do not feel (easier said than done) ashamed or embarrassed. You believed and trusted someone. I'd rather be you, than him.

What has happened to the house he was buying?

If there ever even was a house. Have you actually been inside it OP, not just seen 'it' from the outside where it could be anyone's?

Get rid of him asap. He conned you and it will be easier on your own. You’ve walked into another abusive relationship so you know what you need to do. I’m sorry x

Just responding to some questions-

he and his family have said his ex was abusive violent and cheated on him multiple times, kicked him out and stopped him and family seeing his kids for 18 months. He had to fight through court for access. His family never have anything nice to say about her.
I didn't believe she was the evil villain as was made out, as there are two sides to a story I know, and their two children are the sweetest dear little things. I really am attached to them 😢 but I thought he understood me and what I'd been through with a similar experience. He was very keen and caring and sweet in the beginning.
They were married young, he lost everything and he recently said he wouldn't let me do the same to him. I had no intention of doing so.
Was very hurt he said he'd walk away from our child, but fought for his other two. He has said if we aren't together he doesn't wish to be on the BC - how does CMS work then? As I know I can't force him to be on it.
I want him and family to have a relationship with the baby regardless, would never stop access.

I don't know if he regrets the baby now or is also depressed, or he thought it wouldn't happen as I had fertility issues.
His plan was always to propose this summer gone, he said he'd told his friends this, but then said he didnt do so because we were in a bad place because I've been unhappy. But still mentions it often. The dangling carrot I suppose.

I also found out his family didn't know we were trying for a baby, they thought I had either intentionally 'trapped' him or been careless. His mum told him to leave if he didn't want to be with me- although he told her he did want to, he didn't correct them- I had to.

The place he bought he viewed it with his kids and put an offer in before even talking to me or me seeing it.
I admit I got wary too late that I was in the same situation as before and risking everything to end up starting again with nothing.
It needed a bit of work and is not anywhere near ready to move into now the baby is due. So I did explain I didn't want to move in straight after having the baby and wasn't keen on flitting between two homes with kids and baby, which I didn't think was unreasonable. Trying to come up with a plan B though was like talking to a brick wall.
With my eldest going to uni in the summer he suggested waiting until then. So as not to move her twice in a short space of time.

I know I've ignored red flags or not even recognised them as such.

Financially although he has paid for days out, I still usually contribute somehow. I thought as he bought the place for us and was putting all his money into it for what I believed was our future together as a family, and paying to support his kids, that I was doing my bit to support him and them when they visit. I didn't see he was taking and not really giving anything real back until the last few months.

He often forgot things he'd arranged with me or cancelled last minute then said he's never intended to hurt me, he's sorry I feel that way but I'm in control of my own happiness and I triggered him when I got angry, so I stopped asking and made plans for myself.
I realise everything is always being delayed and waiting on promises that never materialise.
Ive made excuses and blamed myself because i didn't want to believe the truth.

I just don't understand why you would want to treat someone in this way, or wanting to have a baby as a form of control.
I did genuinely think that he loved and wanted to be with me.

Also just want to say, if I haven't done so, genuinely very grateful for all comments you've taken the time to post. I have felt very alone so does mean alot and is really appreciated 🤗

Oh op, that all sounds very hard. No wonder you’re feeling so down and struggling at the moment. I don’t think this is hormones. And I don’t think it’s you. He is being extremely unkind (could walk away from you and baby - wtf!!)

He is now keeping you there with threats of taking his kids away from you. And I agree that you’re not getting the true story about the ex who was, of course, abusive and cheating. Aren’t they always.

You have left an abusive partner before and if you have to do it again you will find a way. Don’t let him off the hook financially if you do leave him. I’d be inclined to have one full and frank discussion with him, just to make sure it’s not that you’re both in a stressful situation and the unkind words have flowed because of that.

If a discussion still raises red flags I’d be ditching him.

I was literally in the same situation, apart from I lost the baby. Most blokes say their ex was abusive, in my experience. You then start to realise she was probably gaslit and what they perceive to be abuse was her standing her ground. He can spin whatever story he wants to his family and he probably will blame you for all this, and play the victim to mummy and daddy. Very very shocked hes basically said he wants a baby but is prepared to walk away from it if it gets hard, and hes already got children. Shocking behaviour. It doesnt matter if hes not on the birth certificate, you can claim anyone is the father to CMS and they will take you at your word, if he disputes this, he has to do a dna and if its proven he is the dad then he also has to pay for that. The onus is on him to prove he isnt the father not the other way round. Let's hope he does the right thing and fucks off out of your life and doesnt abuse and control this baby. Feel sorry for the other kids.

He has said if we aren't together he doesn't wish to be on the BC - how does CMS work then? As I know I can't force him to be on it.
Do NOT have his name on the bc as it can create all sorts of problems for you later on regarding holidays etc. If he really wants his name on it let him apply/pay the court. You apply for cms, he either pays it or contests it. If he contests it then you get a court ordered dna test to prove he is the father.

The place he bought he viewed it with his kids and put an offer in before even talking to me or me seeing it.
It was never intended as a home for you. It was for him only.

He often forgot things he'd arranged with me or cancelled last minute
You were not a priority for him. He didn't care enough. He was after your money and your mothering instincts for his two children only. The best way to keep a woman tied to you for childcare, housework and cooking is through a baby.

I'm sorry OP. I'm not going to have a go at you over your choices and your badly placed trust, it's too late. But please please please do not get into another relationship again until you have had extensive therapy to work out why you've gone from one abusive relationship straight into another. Abusive men are like sharks, they can sense how vulnerable you really are.

Concannon88 I am so sorry for your loss, that is heartbreaking and my thoughts are with you.
I have been so scared the stress and depression would harm my baby and I've had so much guilt that I haven't been the blessed lucky pregnant supermum I believed I should have been. Especially given my fertility issues and the fact OH worked away so often when trying, the baby is quite the miracle. I wanted to enjoy my last pregnancy but it's been quite horrendous, pretty much from the moment I gave him what I thought was the happy news.
I am getting support from the perinatal mental health team now. They told me to speak to him about my feelings and concerns but it is quite impossible to do so if he isn't willing to talk let alone listen, dismisses me and doesn't want or feel the need to change his treatment of me.
The fantasy I had in my mind about how this would be has not been anything like the reality. And looking back now, he did seem to change quite soon after me telling him I was pregnant.

I do love his kids as my own and that is one of the toughest parts- the thought of losing them from my and my kids life completely is quite unbearable. And I know he has used that against me.
They see me as a step mum and so excited about the baby, us all living together and asking when we will get married etc.
I feel sorry for them as although he and the family are very close knit and involved and fiercely loyal, they are quite strict and not the most affectionate.
They have had to hear odd comments about the ex too, which I never approve of as she should be shown respect as their mum in front of them, regardless of his opinion of her.
I don't condone her stopping access, but I don't know her side and it's not my place to have an opinion on their past. I have defended her as she obviously does a good job raising the kids, but it has never gone down well.
I'm sure I will be blamed too for breaking up this family before it had a chance to properly become one.
I am gutted and struggling with how I am going to get over this.
Thank you for the info on the CMS too, that is reassuring.