To finish the friendship of many years ?

[bylamplights]

Long story short .. I've learned that my 'friend' of 40 years has been speaking ill of my children.
My children have a variety of special needs among them and I purposely do not, as a rule, speak to said friend about them as she has no experience or genuine interest in them, to be honest.

I did , one day, confide in her about how I was struggling with the mental load. I am divorced and my children are still highly traumatised by their dads exit affair and subsequent disinterest in them. I too still
Suffer I'll health and low
Mood due to the trauma of it all.

I have found out this evening that she spoke about each of them individually to a mutual acquaintance, whose child is friendly with mine.
My child has heard everything back about what she allegedly said about my child and siblings and has told me.

She also questioned my acceptance of certain aspects of my children's characters and criticised my parenting due to same.
Her criticism ranges from my children's appearance to their life choices.

Is it time to cut her out of my life forever?
I've lost respect for her in recent years.
I find her negative, toxic and draining for r last few years.
She has lost majority of her friends through time.
I'm beginning to see why.
Thanks for reading.

Do it and don't look back.

I was going to say to speak to her first as I wouldn't cut a friend of 40 years on hearsay and without a discussion.

But in your last paragraph it seems that you haven't enjoyed the friendship for some time so I think it is time to let the friendship drift.

If you have found her toxic, negative and draining for years does this mean that she gossips about other people? Because that was your first clue that she was capable of gossiping about you too. I hope you didn't listen and nod along.

Thanks.
She has said terrible things about people we been the one and I've always defended or swerved. She is deeply unhappy , I get that , but this betrayal seems insurmountable.
I need to fact check as the conversation was told to my child(13) by another teen but the truth is, if those pieces of information were not true, she couldn't have known the specifics .

That must feel horrible, OP. Definitely the end,

I hope you didn't listen and nod along.

God forbid, @electriclight! OP describes overwhelmingly difficult circumstances, but still you just have to bring the judgement,

I asked a question. OP answered. No need for your high horse.

I had this exact friend. So sweet to everyone's faces and nasty behind their backs. It started small and got worse. I defended her, and didn't engage with the nastiness, trying to make her feel happier, etc. I think I became conditioned to hearing it, and forgot that she probably spoke venom behind my back. Which I discovered the hard way.

I realised she was jealous. Turned anyone who got what she wanted & couldn't have (had trouble conceiving, missed out on a job, etc.).

I stopped contact. She has no friends now. Which is sad because she lives 2 minutes away & has a child the same age as my youngest & we could have been close for life.

No, @electriclight, you made a statement. From your high horse.

Her comments and behaviour are possibly because she lacks self esteem and is looking for it in the wrong place. It is sad she is like this. However I could not accept for my children to be spoken about in a disparaging manner and remain friends with them.

I couldn't decide whether op was BU until I knew whether she was only objecting to the behaviour on this occasion because she was the victim, having previously been a willing participant.

Definitely get rid. It must be very upsetting, though not surprising considering her history of toxic behaviour.

The consequences of your child hearing those comments from someone in a position of trust in their mum's life could be long lasting, as it could cut deep.
Personally I'd quietly shut the door on that friendship, you don't get to hurt my kids and stay.
If she wanted to know why I cut her loose I'd tell her, but given her character and likely lack of insight/regret I wouldn't initiate that conversation.

Op I think that you will find your life much easier without this person in it. You owe her nothing.

Wishing you lots of luck.

This is what I was going to say. What message does it send your dc if they're aware of what she said about them and you choose to remain friends?

You risk your dc thinking it's acceptable (at best) or that you think your friend is right (at worst). You'd also be showing them that this is acceptable behaviour in friendships

I’d also be wary of the other Mum in this situation, sounds like she’s allowed this woman to stand and slate your children whilst her child was listening.

It’s never nice to hear we’ve been talked about, but lots of people do it. However even if we put that aside sounds like you’ve not been getting anything from the friendship for a while.

Thanks.
I feel sick to my stomach and really dont know how to deal with this as it implicates my child who is already very socially vulnerable and the other teen who divulged this has form for being sneaky and trouble making.
Any thought on this?
Thanksn

I've recently cut a friend for similar - discovering how they actually talk to others about you. I personally gave them a chance to apologise after a particular face-to-face discussion, which they didn't see the need to. I've stopped contact since. A mutual friend pointed out that if you come away from conversations feeling bad, low or drained it's likely not a healthy relationship. As my friend said, if you or I discovered we had hurt a friend by something we said, we would apologise because the friendship means something to us. This person simply couldn't, which speaks volumes about her perception of me. It sounds like a similar situation and I'd say I've not looked back.

I don't think I can accept an apology.

Why don't you check with the other mum, then you're not just going off what the teen who might be stirring has said.
But your child getting implicated only matters if you actually declare what you know and what you're doing.
Reasonable suspicion is enough to quietly shut the door and not go there again.
If she wants to know why you've bowed out of the friendship you can tell her you know what was said, it was not what you tolerate from a friend and not explain how you know.

I bet you feel sick to you stomach. It's horrible when a child is involved. Let's step back:

1. The woman has been toxic and negative for some time, so that's easy. No more friendship with her.
2. Your child has heard the gossip now. It can't be put back in the bag. Just take it from here. Put it behind you. If child asks about the gossip you can explain that even adults can be unfair and they are not always right and that child is wonderful and loved.
3. The sneaky, trouble making child is really irrelevant now, you just look after you and your kid. No doubt that sneaky child has his/her own problems.