Do you know any mothers who could not raise their child, and how they felt?

[painfulcomplexity]

I have seen it mentioned, a couple of times now, that mothers who can't raise their child will compartmentalise their feelings and pain about it. I wondered if anyone ever knew anyone in this position, if they ever commented anything that hinted at feelings around a child they couldn't keep.

Was a foster child in this situation and although I had a strong loving bond with my mother she never spoke of any feelings about not being able to have me with her. It's weird it seemed like a sensitive topic that I couldn't outright ask about, but she was always very breezy about it too like she didn't really mind.

She's dead now at a young age and I wish I knew more about how she felt about everything.

Has anyone known anyone in a similar position? I know everyone's feelings are different and nobody knows what my mother felt, but just wondered if it is true that mothers often do box up very painful feelings.

My mum has a friend who had to give up her baby girl for adoption many years ago (she was forced to by her father as she was an unmarried mother and it was shameful for the family). She didn't talk about it much with anyone- I think it was too painful for her. But she had alot of health issues which could have been linked to the trauma of that. My mum asked why did she not try and contact the (adult) child now and she said something like why would I want to bring up the past or make an issue now- or something along those lines... I think the reality was it was extremely painful to contemplate what had happenend and she buried her feelings surrounding the adoption. It could have been similar with your mum OP - that it was a survival mechanism for her to be breezy about it as feeling the enormity of her being away from her child could have caused her so much guilt and pain she would not allow herself to contemplate it. That would be my guess anyway. Perhaps she wanted you to feel positive about your life and not feel any sadness or pain.

I'm sorry, that sounds a difficult thing to process.

Not exactly the same but I knew someone whose children went to live permanently with their ex partner and his new partner when they were seven and nine. Was never entirely sure what the background was to that. The mum was very much a "free spirit" and when the parents were together and the children were tiny would regularly go away on fairly long "retreats" and girls holidays. She gave the impression of not being particularly enamoured with parenting but who knows what was going on: there may have been a lot of stuff I wasn't aware of.

I have never asked but I've been around when others asked how she felt about not living with her kids and she was very brisk and breezy about it and it was explained as being logistics related (something to do with her job). I honestly don't know her well enough to know if she was masking something she didn't want to share or if she genuinely had not wanted to live with the kids.

The thing is though that however you feel about that, there's very little upside in sharing it. You are likely to be judged and probed on your feelings extensively. You either find it painful and may not want to discuss it or you don't find it painful and don't want to be judged.

Obviously it's different when it's your own mother. But I can understand why people dealing with that would just almost shut down in reaction to a question. It's a real taboo subject and you'd have to feel very comfortable both with your own feelings and feel a lot of trust of the person you were with to discuss this.

I’m so sorry.

I grew up a similar way but was never put in foster care. My mum was a single mum after my dad became disabled and went in to a care home. She couldn’t parent afterwards. I was left to look after her and my brother.

She’s a bit better now, has a job, can kind of run a house.

From talking to her about it the initial trauma left her very depressed and the world just carried on around her like nothing happened for 10 years. Like she was paralysed by the trauma. I was very angry at her for a long time but I kind of get it now. She’s never expressed feelings of guilt though which I’ve never understood. I imagine some people’s minds are just so chaotic if you yourself are sane you couldn’t possibly understand.

I'm sorry you're in that position. I don't know in what era you were fostered, but it's generally been the case that parents of children who have been removed by social services are discouraged from talking to the child about it (at least until a lot older) because it's considered unfair on the child, especially if they only see them for occasional short visits. Otherwise the child is likely to feel upset and worry about the parent once the visit is over.

I have known women who had to give up children in the 60s when it was expected of unmarried mothers - there was no support to allow them to keep a child - and the message from society then was it was very much their shame to bear in silence and not something to speak about.

Do you know anyone who knew your mother well enough who might be able to tell you more?