To ask you to tell me your positive post-divorce stories

[Blueskyrainbow]

I am going through a separation/eventual divorce right now and it’s awful (I have DC and my heart is breaking).

Please tell me your stories of how you got through to the other side - thank you!!

It takes time. I’ll never 100% get over it, but for me it’s like a bereavement: I’ve learned to live with the pain, and it’s not as sharp as it once was. I’m six years on.

Get support from wherever you can, and be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because your emotions are all over the place.

Get counselling/therapy if you can.

Don’t rush anything, take time to make the right decisions.

Our mother absolutely thrived after she got over the trauma of our father’s vile betrayal and cruelty

The day I received my Decree Absolute in the post was the day that I started to breathe easy, no looking over my shoulder for exh trying to trip me up or having to go to court again, I was free. You will never imagine that a piece of paper can mean so much. I didn't feel sad at all when it came, I had expected to feel devastated, but there was just relief that it was finally over. I picked ds up from school & took him to Pizza Hut to celebrate, let him have as much ice cream & all the sugary bits he wanted.

Both XDH and I are happily remarried, and have made much better choices second time around. DD loves her stepdad and likes her stepmother too. It all turned out better for everyone in the end.

It takes time, good mates (mix of ones who let you rant & rage and ones who encourage you to be uber dignified) and counselling for you when you feel it will be useful.
We both saw a counsellor when splitting up to discuss how to be co-parents. It was worth every penny for what we saved arguing through lawyers.
You need a lawyer who won't let you be a dickhead but who won't let you be a doormat either. https://www.wilkes.co.uk/people/sian-kenkre/
And you need a holiday planned.
www.campmates.co.uk/

Heartbreak at first, not over the marriage but over not having my kids all the time and the pain that caused. I'm 18 months down the line and it's so much easier, and I'm so happy and loving life single. I feel like me again. It all takes time, go easy on yourself x

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. But my marriage was abusive and facing that and leaving has been the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m also very very financially strapped but I also know in my heart that I wouldn’t change the decision but in the wee hours I still miss him and so wish he could have changed.

3.5 years later and my life has never been better. One day I woke up and I realised that a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I could start to enjoy life again.

He was quietly controlling and it's really little things like being able to discover I like coffee which he would have been weird about. The little things really do matter!

Thanks everyone. This sense of freedom is what I’m trying to look forward to! It’s such a rollercoaster, I keep thinking could I have made it work? (I did try for 2 years after it went downhill but the trust was just gone.)
I hate seeing the kids upset and thinking about missing them, that’s the worst thing.

Oh OP, life can get SO much better!

My Ex left me after having an affair (someone 15 years my junior). We had a five year old at the time.

First year was tough.... no denying the grief and disorientation and stress...... but then life started to flourish. First just refinding myself after 16 years marriage! Redecorating, making my own choices, some therapy and growth... everything started to open up... and because I was well, my DD started flourishing too... then there were two peaceful years single.... enjoying my independence, doing fun things like taking up dancing and art and renewing my scuba diving qualification. And enjoying not having a man child to cater for...

And then a new man came along.... gorgeous, sexy, beautiful man who treats me SO much better and I have such joy and deep connection with. The last six years have been the happiest (and most sexually satisfying) of my life!

My DD continues to thrive. Despite the circumstances, ex and I maintained civil coparenting relationship, and Dd moved freely between the two houses. She even has a baby sibling now (on dad's side) who she loves very much.

My man and I sometimes raise a glass to my ex to thank him for what he did.

I can understand you missing the kids, but I have to say, as long as you know they are safe and well when with your kids are with your ex, the extra time it opens up is amazing.... time to see friends you have been neglecting, take up a new hobby, go to a spa, or get to the gym finally.....

Really, time is amazing and you can dedicate a bit to yourself finally!

It gets better. I am 5 years in from the decree absolute and am re married in the type of relationship I didn’t even know existed, let alone would have thought would happen to me. You have to be brave to break your own heart, to choose yourself. But if you do, you’ll be happier than you knew was possible. Good luck, OP.

The first year was hell. I think I fed DC ready meals for a year, everything reminded me of him, I simultaneously hated him and just wanted things to go back to how they were. Then I slowly realised that I missed being married more than I did him. That I was grieving my imagined future more than losing him. And that I was wearing some serious rose tinted glasses.
Then I started to actually enjoy being alone with DC in my own home, doing as I please, not having to consider anyone else. DC adapted. We had our own little routines.
DC would never have had the attention they currently have from their dad if we were all living together. Now that it's only every 2 weeks, he has to actually step up and parent more. The kids get the benefits of two bday/Xmas/holidays.
The child free time is an absolute joy. Lie ins and naps and everything else you can't do with children around. I learned that I could pretty much do everything I thought I needed a husband for, (because I had to, but what what an empowering feeling).
And 3 years later I met someone 100% better than exH and we've been happily together for years.
It's a horrible ride at the time, but you WILL be happier on the other side. 🤗

Take it one day at a time at the moment - you will be easily overwhelmed at this stage.

I had what appeared to be a strong, loving relationship but exDH had massive issues stemming from his childhood and instead of seeking therapy, took refuge in drugs and sex workers. I checked his phone one night, found out everything, and kicked him out on the spot.

It's several years later and I think I'm probably much happier without the weight of his general discontent with life (I was lucky to keep the family house which makes a difference, though) albeit I'm rather scarred and battered and sometimes a bit lonely. Mostly, though, I feel absolutely free. None of my married friends get to run their lives exactly as they like, or get the time to themselves that I have, without feeling beholden to another adult. I had loads of therapy and I'm much stronger and more content in myself and a significantly better parent - and that's reflected in how well balanced and happy the kids are and the much stronger relationship I have with them.

Take care, OP - you are in the thick of it but I promise it'll get easier.

Absolutely all of this (except I'm resolutely single for now - sure I'll get there eventually). I could've written this.

I just realised this is an older thread but I wondered how you were doing @Blueskyrainbow and everyone else?

I am seven months into the separation and are getting divorced. I'm disgusted with h behaviour towards our children. I usually just say my children now and never say father but I wanted to be clear they are actually his kids.