I’m female and in my early 30’s. I was diagnosed as a teen with Autism. To cut a long story short my life has seemed to fall apart the older I have got.
I can’t make friends easily. Got involved with a boyfriend in my early to mid twenties who promised me the world, when in reality he was outright lying. Pulled offers twice on one property (he secretly didn’t want to buy a house for us.) wish he’d told me sooner so I hadn’t wasted 8 years of my life on him.
I’ve got an art degree which was a real struggle to achieve due to my difficulties relating to being on the ASD spectrum. Got a 2.2 due to being absolutely terrible at time management. I was so disappointed with the result and felt like it was a waste of 3 years.
I’m kind of lost as I’ve tried so many jobs, tried teaching and failed, (I really struggle with face to face contact, as well as organisation and planning) I’ve literally lost every single job via firing that I’ve tried catering, customer service, fundraising, retail you name it. All for either silly mistakes, or extreme emotional dysregulation.
My CV is non existent at 30 years of age. I am literally unemployable at this point. I tried applying to a job during the pandemic and was told that my CV looked like I’d been dismissed from all my positions, so they were unwilling to take my application any further.
My mum isn’t keen on the idea of me ever having to work again either due to my ‘difficulties.’ She feels it’s too much stress for me due to my autism. I’m constantly misunderstood in the workplace. But it’s going to drive me insane if I don’t as I’m bored sick and I’m not exactly a catch for anyone either if I can’t work.
I really hate having to rely on benefits just existing with no purpose. Having no routine, and living alone with nothing to look forward to is genuinely driving me up the wall. I’ve sought a private assessment for additional help, and it turns out that besides ASD, I’ve got severe combined ADHD and have gone my whole life up until now undiagnosed.
The doctor who did the assessment also thinks I may have epilepsy due to ‘brain zaps’ and is unwilling to prescribe me any ADHD medication until I’ve seen neurology, which might take another year. Another year of my life wasted I feel. They also said it was good I wasn’t working at this point (Is it really?) When I suggested I could do self employment maybe, the doctor just told me that comes with its own challenges, which they are likely right.
But I dream of having my own family, a partner and children to go home to, and that’s not likely to happen for me on benefits, as there’s so much stigma attached to it, people like me are portrayed by the media as scum. I’m also running out of time due to my age.
I don’t have any extended family, only immediate, or any genuine friends, so am at real risk of isolation if my parents or 2 siblings were to die before me. (My parents will) It’s very frightening.
I know some people probably have it far worse with these wars going on and other stuff, after all I’ve got a roof over my head and food to eat. But I just can’t help but feel very isolated and worried for my future. I don’t feel I can carry on not working or having no friends or my own family for another 50 years.
aaarrgghhh It just all feels like such a mess to me.
AIBU to just want to outright go and defy all the people who say I ‘can’t’ and just get out of this hole already and make something for myself?
Sorry for the long rant.