For finding fat shaming comments by my mother about others upsetting?

[DodoTime]

I'm overweight (size 20) and my mum who I otherwise get on really well with and see all the time is scathing of other overweight people. I'm not sure if she's doing it intentionally or just really dislikes fat people and doesn't see how upsetting this is for me. I don't say anything in reply as it just makes me shutdown when she says these comments.

For instance, we were watching a reality show and there was an overweight lady (although smaller than me) and my mum said 'what does she look like, how can she show her face on TV'. Another example, I have a really beautiful friend who I showed my mum a picture of as she just had a big life event, she said 'oooo X is looking very glamorous again', I said 'when has she ever not looked glamorous, she's always well put together' and my mum said 'well X went through that fat phase but she looks glamorous again now, nice and skinny'.

My mum used to comment on my weight when I was younger (late teens) and say I was overweight but looking back I was completely normal (size 8/10) but she doesn't comment anymore. She'll often comment on other people though and it just makes me feel like I'm a real disappointment to her. Am I being unreasonable/ over sensitive to find this upsetting? I just find it so confusing coming from a mother who is otherwise so loving and there for me and DC.

YANBU, some people have massive hang ups about other people’s weight, which reflects on their own unhappiness usually. Or they are just nasty people.

Both my parents absolutely bullied the life out of me as a child when I started gaining weight aged 9, and it never stopped right through to adulthood. Even when I was a size 8-10 it then turned to calling me anorexic, but it was said as an accusation and like I was a disgusting sight.

It’s just one of many reason why I am NC with my DM - her relentless tirade of emotional abuse about my weight, as well as foul, disgusting comments about other people’s weight. I have been left with a lifetime of low self-esteem about my appearance.

It’s up to you how you deal with it but please don’t let your DM destroy your self-esteem like mine did.

YANBU either call her out or if you dont want the confrontation then if she makes a comment ignore it.

I have had a lot of grief from my mother over the years about weight stuff and now I completely shut it down. I also never comment on weight loss or gain in others. I don't want my children growing up with any of the issues I did. We have a good relationship otherwise but I've had to set really firm boundaries about weight stuff.

Its also probably generational as its only in the last 10 years or so its beginning to be seen as inappropriate to make comments about size.

Another one here with a mother like that. The psychic damage that was done to this generation of women wrt to fat talk, weight and body obsession is immense and depressing - however. That does not mean you need to allow it to go unchecked by you.

How you do that is up to you - I told my mum I didn’t want to hear anything about my appearance at all, or anyone else’s appearance. Have had to pull her up on it a few times but she doesn’t do it to me any more (mostly).

I saw on a message to my auntie ‘how are you doing with the weight’ and it was so depressing. These two sixty year old women beating themselves up over forty years about probably 10-12lbs? What a waste of energy.

My mum does it too. It's one of the main reasons why I've had eating disorders for most of my life. She still makes those kind of comments even though she knows I have been diagnosed with anorexia.

I’m not condoning it at all (as it’s totally unacceptable) but I think it’s a generational thing.

These older women were trained from birth to be thin. They’re actually bringing their own body image baggage to the table. These body shaming comments are a hangover from their own body hangups that they project onto you / or the people they are commenting about.

My MIL (in her early 80’s) does it - which I always find amusing as she was / is circa a size 18.

My own mother does it (also in her early 80’s).

It’s totally unacceptable and says more about them.