Partner being cold if I get upset

[Sleepdeprived247]

Okay so pre-cursor here, my partner is a good guy - I know he’s a good guy and everyone says it. But it seriously feels like somethings gradually been going wrong in our relationship over the last few years (2 children, stressful jobs and house move) and I just want to get some perspective and know whether I’m being unreasonable or what others would do

So the main issue is that my partner just doesn’t seem to be at all concerned or bothered when I’m upset. This post has been triggered by tonight, he got home from work and I’d had a day off (TOIL day) and had been using it to decorate the kitchen and have a much needed tidy up of the house. It would have been nice for this to be acknowledged but we did go straight out to walk the dogs and take the kids to the park so I let go off it not being noticed or mentioned. Then a few things happened at the park that caused an argument and it resulted in me getting upset

Now this is where my issue lies, I’m visibly upset, told him what had upset me and he just blanked me. No response or acknowledgment of the fact that I’m upset and then just carrying on as normal

AIBU to think that your partner and husband should shown some compassion and care when you’re upset or am I being unreasonable and should just let it go?

it’s the same anytime I get upset and I’m really at a loss of what to do. And my concern is there’s been times when he’s treated our 3 yr old DD the same way and that really scares me

I know how harsh Mumsnetters can be so please be kind as I’m asking for genuine advice

It's hard to say tbh, OP. Partners should care but maybe he's stressed too and hiding it. Also (and I don't mean this nastily) some people are overly emotional and it can be tiring. I have a friend like this and it can be exhausting navigating the weekly dramas that she gets tearful about.

This may not be you though so obv not meant nastily.

Nice guys can make shit partners.

I think it depends on the argument however and what was said and what wasn't said.

If i was upset because I broke something then my partner would 100% console me, if we had had an argument it might take a while for him to stop being angry and for me to stop being upset. However we do reach out to each other after and we have a resolution so perhaps that is what you're missing.

Depends hugely on how you both show affection on a normal day.

If you are overly emotional or fragile, he may just be impatient or cold as its exhausting and frustrating to be with a partner on a crying hair-trigger.

Then again, he might just be a dick? Only you'll know the answer I guess.

I don't do well with over emotional people, I tend to be baffled at how they get through life being so dramatic and lacking in resilience. It does make me come across as cold.

I think if that is a regular thing that happens then it is abusive behaviour, regardless of how often you get upset, he should not be blanking you. He doesn't have to fall over himself apologising but flat out ignoring your feelings and emotions is not ok. Doing that then going back to normal when he is ready serves his needs but it is totally ignoring yours which are presumably to have the fact he's upset you heard, acknowledged and hopefully for there to be a resolution. Does he do this if you're upset over something that isn't to do with him?

It kind of depends what you’re upset about and how often you’re upset. If you’re upset about the argument then he might also be upset but showing it in a different way. And if you’re upset frequently then yes - he should try to support you, but I can see how it would be tiring and hard.

He should be supportive but what happened in the park? Can't really tell who is unreasonable

Stonewalling people you and your 3 year old DD is not reasonable. He might be doing it for loads of reasons, the only person that knows is him, have you asked him in a non- emotional neutral moment?

How your DP reacts is totally up to him. You are probably a more empathetic person than he and show your emotions. He on the other hand seems to be more reserved. You cannot change how he reacts. But you can talk about it to him when you are in a more stable mood.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it’s given me things to think about.

I wouldn’t say I’m overly emotional or dramatic generally but I do recognise that I can get upset and teary quickly in arguments, whereas he tends to cope with it by withdrawing and going silent - when we’ve spoken about it calmly he says he just doesn’t know what to say and his mum (grew up in single parent household) wouldn’t talk about emotions etc so I try to be understand of that and give him time. I’ve also tried to be really clear that all I need at that time is for him to be there with me and show some affection

It has been a hard few years and he had some time off with anxiety and stress after our youngest was born so I try to be compassionate about that but just wish it was a 2-way street

I definetely think there’s an element of both - day to day we’re fine but it’s been a tough few years and I think we’ve got into a bad cycle when it comes to arguments - I get upset easily, he withdraws and I get more upset

We’ve spoken about relationship counselling but it’s just an extra expense and if I’m honest I’m not sure when we’d find the time 🙈 any advice or recommendations on breaking the cycle would be great!

Try looking at Conscious Leadership … a lot of it is about relationships in the workplace, but it is all relevant to personal relationships too. Go to the resources page and look at some of the videos. If they resonate with you, see if the two of you can take 20 mins of an evening to watch a video and then talk together about what you think about them. Just having those conversations, whether you are agreeing that you both think the videos are silly, or very useful, or disagreeing, will likely help you both to talk to each other more about what you think about your feelings and that might help you both going forward

https://conscious.is/

This is cheaper than therapy and might be a good place to start some conversations between you.

it sounds as if he does care but that he doesn’t know how to respond to such expressions of such emotions. He needs to learn how to be emotionally responsive for the sake of your daughter.

Funnily enough I was listening to a podcast with this author yesterday and thought the book sounded great!

A above it depends on what your getting upset about. A similar now deleted thread today had the op doing the 'I'm fine' dance then getting upset that he wasn't giving her attention and checking she was fine!