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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely it’s not U to say no?

20 replies

rightorwrongg · 21/11/2023 18:07

To helping with school pick up and after school care ?

I’ve recently had to give up work completely to be a carer for ds (SEN and in mainstream primary), his dla runs for 12 years so for the foreseeable future. One of my friends (or maybe I should say ‘friend’ after the way she’s spoken to me !) asked in finding out would I collect her ds each day too and look after him till 5 pm as she works and lives on the same road as us so that she can save the money that wraparound care cost.

I explained why that won’t be possible to be met with ‘but he’s in school ALL day??? You get the whole day paid to do nothing while I work and can’t even help me out?’

The thing is - I’m either exhausted and catching up on sleep in the day not doing nothing or ds has appts or often needs picking up from school if has a meltdown etc - it’s not as straightforward as she says !
I found her really rude and entitled but then I stared to worry and second guess myself

OP posts:
Original poster
rightorwrongg · 21/11/2023 18:08

And ds needs home to be his safe space he won’t want a classmate here every day he lies to come in a decompress from the day alone

OP posts:
RunningUpThatBuilding · 21/11/2023 18:09

WOW! She is operating on a pretty impressively low (for all the wrong reasons) level of awareness.

I'd tell her to fuck off. Complete CF.

Cranecapers · 21/11/2023 18:11

YANBU.

Make it clear that if you did change your mind you would be paid and not do it for free.

WaltzingWaters · 21/11/2023 18:12

No way! A one off emergency, sure. But daily - no way! Time for the old “sorry, that doesn’t work for me” - on repeat. No need to elaborate.

Original poster
rightorwrongg · 21/11/2023 18:13

I just hate confrontation but had to say no as ds needs that time plus often we have appts it would just add so much stress !

OP posts:
coconutpie · 21/11/2023 18:14
  1. I'd tell her to fuck off and reevaluate this friendship as she is not a friend.
  2. After the way she spoke to you, I would never even offer to help in an emergency.
Shinyandnew1 · 21/11/2023 18:14

What an unpleasant person-I wouldn’t be counting anyone who spoke to me like that as a friend and certainly wouldn’t be putting myself out to save them hundreds of pounds worth of childcare!

Hengine · 21/11/2023 18:15

Totally unreasonable request,
And what would she expect to happen if your son was off ill?

Birdcar · 21/11/2023 18:16

"the thing is - I’m either exhausted and catching up on sleep in the day not doing nothing"

You don't have to explain yourself. How you spend your day is your own business. This woman and her child are not your responsibility. She is not only BU but she's incredibly rude. Don't let her make you feel you have to justify yourself.

Workawayxx · 21/11/2023 18:17

She is beyond unreasonable. And even if you were a sahm to a dc with no sen, she’d still BU expect that level of extra work and effort from you!

skgnome · 21/11/2023 18:17

a one off fine
but everyday no way!
man’s after the way she spoke to you? Get better friends!

Tinkerbyebye · 21/11/2023 18:18

I would no longer be friends

Takenoprisoner · 21/11/2023 18:19

i would not even offer to help in an emergency because firstly she's a rude cow and, secondly, she will take advantage of your offer. there will be daily emergencies.

ShanghaiDiva · 21/11/2023 18:19

Takenoprisoner · 21/11/2023 18:19

i would not even offer to help in an emergency because firstly she's a rude cow and, secondly, she will take advantage of your offer. there will be daily emergencies.

This.

Catza · 21/11/2023 18:26

‘but he’s in school ALL day??? You get the whole day paid to do nothing while I work and can’t even help me out?’

"And you think talking to me like that is really going to make me change my mind about helping you, do you?" Then walk away from the conversation.

Original poster
rightorwrongg · 21/11/2023 18:30

Catza · 21/11/2023 18:26

‘but he’s in school ALL day??? You get the whole day paid to do nothing while I work and can’t even help me out?’

"And you think talking to me like that is really going to make me change my mind about helping you, do you?" Then walk away from the conversation.

She’s always been a ‘I tell it as it is no frills ‘ (a direct quote ) type of person but I really didn’t expect the entitled way she spoke to me it was really an unpleasant switch as soon as she realised I wasn’t going to agree

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 21/11/2023 18:35

rightorwrongg · 21/11/2023 18:30

She’s always been a ‘I tell it as it is no frills ‘ (a direct quote ) type of person but I really didn’t expect the entitled way she spoke to me it was really an unpleasant switch as soon as she realised I wasn’t going to agree

Show quote history

Well surely she will appreciate you being direct with her when you tell her to bugger off with her unreasonable demands? You've had to give up your job to look after your child, what does she not get about that? be very direct and no frills right back to her

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/11/2023 18:41

So be 'tell it like it is, no frills' right back at her.

'Your desire to save money on childcare does not constitute an obligation on my part to be that free childcare. My childs DLA award is precisely none of your business, nor is what I do, or do not do, all day.'

Onelifeonly · 21/11/2023 18:48

YANBU but she certainly is. What a cheek! If she mentions it again, laugh hysterically and say "if only you knew........"
No, just tell her it isn't possible and don't explain yourself. Her child, her responsibility.

Mrgrinch · 21/11/2023 19:08

I couldn't stay friends with her after that.

What an absolute bitch.

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