Aibu? Her sick kids

[Unsubtleturtle]

A friend has a habit of minimising or not telling me when her children are sick when we arrange to meet. Sometimes it is just a cough or cold, othertimes it is more serious bugs or viruses. She will only tell me they are getting over something or have something during the visit if I ask how they are (or I notice they're not quite themselves) often after letting me hug and play with them. If I react they make me feel like I'm making a fuss. Her and her DP work in medical profession. I have immuno suppressed family members which they know so need to be careful. I made it clear previously I don't want to be exposed to their illnesses but it keeps happening.

Aibu to want to be told before? Am I making a fuss over nothing? Genuinely looking for reasons to understand why she wouldn't tell me.

I would stop meeting up with them tbh

I suppose that is an option but it would be very sad, I have known them for a long time. We are all part of a big local friendship group so it would be difficult to do this.

I appreciate that you’ll be sad as you’ve mentioned if you stopped meeting with her, but you will be even sadder if one of your immuno compromised family member gets seriously ill as a result of her actions. Added to the fact that if you have known her for a long time then she’s a bit of a shitty friend to continuously go against your wishes. I’d simply ask her why she neglects to tell you that her children are ill, state that rearranging is always an option and make it explicitly clear that if she neglects to tell you her children are ill again you will no longer be meeting up with them as you have expressed your concerns multiple times. Realistically, unless she changes or you stop meeting up with her there are no other options other than to just deal with it, and I don’t believe you should.

I voted YABU as I think you’re being unrealistic. Young kids especially if in childcare can have coughs or colds pretty much all winter long. It’s just one of those things and life has to go on so it probably doesn’t even enter her head to tell anyone because when you’re at that life stage it seems obvious that the kids will have a cold. Then you’ve got the fact that her and her DP are medical professionals so are exposed to all sorts of bugs regularly. I don’t really think it’s possible to see them without any sort of risk as no doubt there would be something to inform you of every single time you arrange a meet up. The only thing you can do is not see them if it’s a problem for you and your family.

I think you need to ask every time you have visitors- if you're the imuno repressed household the responsibility lies with you I'm afraid

She values her own wellbeing and convenience over yours. Not the hallmark of a good friend.

I would stop meeting up with her on her own, but I don't think you can do anything about the bigger group meetings if you're willing to expose yourself and your DC to larger crowds of people. Bar fever/vomiting (where children should absolutely be kept home/away from people) and infections like HF&M and chickenpox for which there are well-established isolation guidelines in place for parents to follow, it's unreasonable to expect parents to isolate their children for every cough, sniff, sneeze and runny nose - some children would never get out!

That said, if I was meeting with you on a 1-1 basis and knowing you have immunocompromised relatives, I would give you a heads-up if we had a cold/bug so you could decide if you'd prefer to give it a miss.

I'd message before you meet specifically asking if DC are ill.

Tbh minor sniffles I wouldn't notify anyone as DC have that more often than they don't. Proper temp-inducing cold or vomiting sickness I'd always warn.

If you’re meeting up just as two families, then they should accept that you are super conscious about picking up winter hugs and tell you in advance so you can make an informed choice.

If it’s meet ups that involve other people as part of your big friendship group then I think you just have to accept that you take the risk of picking up illnesses because you want to be sociable. If you want to eliminate the risk completely, then the onus is on you to stay in. Your friends are allowed to make their own judgement about whether or not they should be out and it’s no one else right to tell them that they shouldn’t.

I’d expect to be told (and would cancel) for eg chickenpox or D&V. A bog standard cough or mild cold though I wouldn’t - my children have some sort of something fairly continuously from Oct to March, if I stayed home with every runny nose or cough we’d never go anywhere. Coughs linger for weeks, I barely register that as “unwell”.

I think you need to ask her specifically before meeting up.

I guess it depends on what a 'serious bug or virus' means exactly?

Are you saying her kids knowingly have Covid and she's still meeting up with you? Or norovirus? If so then that's unreasonable. Kids have coughs and colds all the time though, and you often are contagious for things before you even know.

If you're meeting up with groups of people then anyone could have anything without knowing it. All you can do is make sure you are well when you meet up with your relatives and keep some distance between you, wear a mask etc if that's what you both want.

Do you have children, OP? Because from your initial post I'm guessing you don't.

Small children are forever having colds and coughs and all sorts. If we didn't see friends any time one of ours had a virus, we'd have seen no one until they kids were around 9 or 10!

D&V or chickenpox, yes, you should know before hand but most other bugs are just part of life with children.

I've had to stop meeting with a friend who's like this.

She's got 4 primary aged kids so they're always sick and I understand that. By the time one of them is getting over something the other is getting it, and if she stopped all outings cos one or more were sick she'd never leave the house.

However, I've had pneumonia 4 times in 5 years, and it's all started as a cold, and then I suspect I've aspirated snot or saliva or just been so bunged up with fluids that the last round it was deemed treatment resistent, and I'd been on 3 different kinds of antibiotics, which themselves made it feel like they were infiltrating any and every cell of my body they could get into. I felt terribly ill from them.

I just don't do little bugs that other people get by halves.

So for that reason, and the fact that she doesn't feel the need to tell me her kids are sick because someone is always sick, we just don't meet up. It's sad, it is what it is. I can't control her actions and she can't control my illness.

Sometimes you just have to let things fizzle out.

I do take umbridge with uninvited guests turning up to the house I live in when they are sick though because if you are any where trying to avoid sick people, it's going to be the home you live in.

So as long as your friend isn't just showing up with a band of sniffly kiddywinks then I think you're slightly being unreasonable.

Very good points here so far thank you. I agree it is my responsibility about the immuno issue. Its just that I'd like to have the opportunity to make an informed decision. They are lovely kids, it is not their fault obviously and yes as normal kids are, they are sometimes ill. If any have been unwell perhaps instead I could suggest meeting for a park playdate or woodland walk or if they dont want to go outside I'd know to avoid hugs and cuddles that time. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable.

Or of course, if its more serious just rearrange for another time.

Nope. Your health and the health of your kids is important. If she can't understand that, then she's very odd.

@Unsubtleturtle I have the same issue, and iv just had a heart transplant, not asking for much, just some consideration as I'm lucky to be here for my young child!

As one example, recently we'd all been playing at home, hugs all round, them on my lap etc and I commented one seemed like a little sleepy head and she mentioned he'd been up in the night vomiting but seemed to have stopped now.

I don't allow that. If anyone knowingly has ill children they know not to come near me or the kids. You really need to stress to her that you will not accept any more of her kids illnesses being passed on. Stress how inconvenient it is being worried about getting ill, the risk to your family etc. It's not okay, it's ableist of her to risk it all because she doesn't give a shit.

Ask before you meet them on the day

She is not a friend OP if she's bringing her kid who was only vomiting a few hours previously to see you. You need to call her out on this and in future ask her before she visits.

Ok that’s different- unless she could be certain it was food poisoning then that’s really not on. I thought you were more talking about the standard nursery colds they always have.

Can you not meet up without hugging the kids? Holding a hot drink is a good one if you feel self conscious making a thing of it. And I agree with suggesting outdoor stuff! Or just sack her off because she sounds selfish because even without an immuno compromised relative no one wants to get a sickness bug!!

Should have added, this particular person had pneumonia!

@Aqua20 that is shocking! I don't blame you for being upset.