What would you do? [Dv relationship]

[Honeyplease]

Apologies this is long so I’ll try to keep it factual.
Dh and I have been together 12y, married 8y. We have two kids, 6 and 2. We rent a house from his family and we both work but claim UC top up.

Things have been rocky since I was pregnant with our second baby. I have always been a people pleaser and Dh is has always been happy to take advantage of this and do as little as possible.

He is very much co-dependant on me in a lot of ways. (I do everything - cook, clean, kids stuff, pets stuff, car stuff, bills stuff, all the driving and I work 4 days a week) he works 4 days a week, looks after our youngest 1 day a week and does the recycling.

Only recently have I realised that some of his behaviour towards me is abusive. He has a high sex drive (few times a week) I like it less (once a week) and although he acknowledges this he still acts moody and puts pressure on me to do it more than I want to or will guilt trip me by saying “I can’t remember the last time you just gave me a kiss, or complimented me” (which btw is bullshit) if we say - did it on the sunday he would expect it again within a week or else he would get moody and become distant.

If we are in bed we usually spoon until we are ready to sleep but he will constantly want to put his hand up my top or down my pajamas even if I sternly tell him no, if I move his hand away his reaction is to sulk and bring out the “you never give me any affection etc sob story”

In the past I have bent over backwards for him and just been intimate more than I wanted to simply to keep the peace or avoid a frosty few days.

Just recently we’ve been arguing a lot (over intimacy and division of labour surprise surprise) and he's said he is done. I have agreed. Is it wrong that I want to try and make this work, I want him to put in more effort and to be honest acknowledge that his behaviour is unacceptable?

Instead he is leaving because he is fed up chasing affection from me and HE feels hard done by. He actually said to me “I’m leaving because I want more affection but it’ll be months before I can get that from someone else” 🥴

I’m not sure what I’m asking for here as I’m sure everyone will say run for the hills but I guess I’m shocked how quickly he is willing to give up on this marriage because he isn’t getting as much sex as he would like.

Can’t believe I forgot to also mention he has been physically violent towards me once when I was pregnant. I said if he ever did it again I would leave.

You are going to get a lot of run for the hills. It’s dreadful to pressure someone into sex and physical violence is unacceptable (I would probably forgive it ONCE, if the other person was in an extreme emotional state and I generally felt safe around them, and it was something like a slap not a punch or throwing stuff). It sounds like a super hurtful situation whether or not it’s safe or useful to want it to go on longer for you two. If he leaves and then finds he can’t get the female attention he wants, he does need to attend therapy specifically for abusers though. Read Lundy Bancroft.

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. You are not being unreasonable to want this to work out (except for the DV bit ) - most of us do want it to work out when we've been with someone for 12 years and have young DC. You are not being unreasonable to think that HE needs to be the one to put the effort in to make that happen. YANBU to be shocked that someone you've built a life with is a selfish, lazy wanker.

Why do you want this marriage to work. He physically attacked you when you were pg, pesters you for sex, does bugger all around the house, strops about like a sulky teen and gets in a mood and has said he wants out, does he bring any happiness to your life. What do you want, what's best for you and your dc. Forget his needs for a moment and put yourself and your dc first.

You'll be so happy when he's gone.

Be sure to tell his family exactly why. Record him on your phone if you can.

Just bringing this back with an update.

He came to me yesterday and acknowledged his wrongdoing. Said he can see that this is his problem and he is sorry. He has asked for a second chance, promised to get therapy and make changes.
Do I give him a second chance, with a time limit - perhaps a few months to try? I feel I've made a lot of progress in my head about leaving and looking forward and I am worried about going back on that only to have to put it all in motion again a month or two later. In the same vein, it's Christmas and I don't want to taint it for my children.

Any advice?

Your children will be more tainted having a sex pest for father

you can split up and still have a united Christmas with your children if you wanted to