AIBU not to bother making much effort with these mums ?

[homegi]

It's kind of a long story, but the long and short of it is that there are a couple ofmums that know we are new to the area.

They've talked about how well my DD gets on with their kids and how we should have play dates. ( initiated by them ) The mums DC's are absolute besties and live next door to each other.

When talking to one of the mums, she always talks about how they're such great friends with my DD and we ' have to do play dates '.

I said ok cool that would be awesome etc. they've let us down both times they tried to arrange the play dates ( each time they gave 6 weeks notice ). So one play date six weeks notice ( then cancelled at 2 days notice ), then another suggested time for a play date with another 6 weeks notice ( cancelled again a few days before play date ).

In any case, it was one of the girls birthdays recently and I got chatting on WhatsApp with one of the mums about arrangements and general chit chat. She always manages to go on and on about how much time she spends with the other DCs who also ' love my DD ' and we must still arrange that play date. Sending me pics of them going on days out together etc.

When there is still an open ended invitation for our kids to have a day out or play date all together.( suggested by her ). Basically what happened is that when they cancelled the final time, I said to just let me know when a good time is and we'll find a slot to meet. Nothing was suggested since obviously

Why bother mentioning how we are going to have a great time and should have play dates, then cancel twice and then continuously go on and on about how great it is to have play dates and all the great stuff they get up to together ( of course not inviting us ).

It just feels kind of like she's taunting me with it.

I know I'll be told she's just showing me what she's up to, but it just feels weird to me to be going about it that way.

I wouldn't treat someone that way.

I'm sure you'll all say she's obvious, but I think it's rather unkind to taunt someone you know is newish to an area with the idea of becoming friends - then letting them down and continuously flaunting your bestie status for no obvious reason.

They sound strange. Run a mile and make friends with the people who deserve your friendship.

in this case its them, not you at fault!

What does your DD think? If she likes these girls can’t you invite them round (not with 6 weeks notice, who does that FFS?)
I wouldn’t make an effort beyond facilitating DD getting to know them better if she wants to.

She’s trying to keep you on a string so you’re available when it suits her.

Hate people who cancel last minute.

Yup, don't waste your energy on these people. It's okay to not like being treated that way and it's okay to look for friendship elsewhere.

When I see them now I am polite but make no particular effort to engage in conversation.

I wouldn't bother with them any more, they sound flaky and unreliable. Find different friends. Just because you have children in common doesn't necessarily mean you will be bosom buddies with their parents.

6 weeks notice for a playdate 😂
Sorry that's not much help @homegi but that's crazy.
Whatever happened to "Mum can Sarah come to play after school today?"
Some people make simple things so formal and complicated. I would stop making plans with them. A shame for your daughter but some people are just weird.

Don't bother with them anymore x

I would try arranging something yourself, invite them over but for a week’s notice. 6 weeks is way too far in advance and things inevitably get cancelled when other stuff crops up. But if you ask on a Thursday - “hey gals does next Saturday work? Let’s do XYZ.”

Then if it’s a yes, follow up on Tuesday to make sure still in the works, then on the Friday double check timings.

It’s highly doubtful that this friendly woman has a secret plan to rub your face in her friendship, much more likely that they actually do want a play date but it just needs a bit more effort to get the ball rolling.

Take charge!

Your subject header is about not making an effort, and I think you're absolutely right and justified in not wanting to make an effort with people who aren't making an effort with you.

Having said that, I think you might want to discuss some of this with a therapist. You're assigning a lot of malice and intention to something that while annoying is pretty innocuous and common.

Realistically, if someone cancels plans twice, which is more likely:

Having kids can be pretty chaotic, some people are just kind of chaotic, something just came up/kids weren't feeling well/mum wasn't feeling well/mum realised she'd accidentally double booked/work came up/car broke down/dog sick/any one of a billion other things.

or

These women are some kind of Blofeld-like supervillains who have fixated on destroying a woman they barely know for absolutely no reason, and have created an elaborate plot purely to inflict harm on you.

I'm sorry but that is paranoia, not reality. And I can empathise, because I have rejection sensitive dysphoria and avoidant personality, so I find it incredibly difficult not to get wrapped up in the thoughts in my head saying that every cancelled plan is because people hate me. But I know it's just in my head. In reality, if someone doesn't like you they just won't have anything to do with you. No one is out here inventing plots and plans to inflict pain on random other mums they don't even know.

In real life people are mainly just kind of self-centred and a little bit selfish. The truth is most people think about themselves, not other people. The most likely explanation is that they barely know you, they just weren't thinking about you at all: they made plans in good faith, something came up which caused them to have to cancel. I'm sure they want to have play dates since your children are friends, it's just not a priority.

The truth is we always think we're much more important to others than we really are. Most people just aren't thinking about us at all. I'm sure they're just not thinking about you at all (since they barely know you), not planning all this to taunt you.

Also, making play dates months in advance with people who live locally is really unusual. I'm not surprised they're having to cancel because you can't know what will come up closer to the time. Try making playdates a few days in advance, or more spur of the moment?

Also, making play dates months in advance with people who live locally is really unusual. I'm not surprised they're having to cancel because you can't know what will come up closer to the time. Try making playdates a few days in advance, or more spur of the moment?

They were the ones that needed that much notice.. I would NEVER need this much notice. It was all on them, both times.

@TurquoiseMermaid I dunno, I think there's probably no outward malice, maybe not concious malice but definitely a lack of awareness and sensitivity that doesn't sit well with me.

You can't be certain that they don't enjoy the power of it tbh. Even on a subconscious level, it probably makes them feel good about themselves as they are dominant together and have each other. The mum previously spoke to me about how wonderful it was and I said I also wished to have similar friendships and play dates for my DD. She knows it's what I'm looking for being new in the area.

I wouldn't treat someone like they've treated us. I also have two kids and a full time job and husband and many many problems. I still don't act that way towards people. If I really did have to cancel twice, you bet I would be arranging the next date etc.

Yeah some of it could be in my head, of course, so many things can be. But I think the levels one of the mums goes to about it, she enjoys it. Regardless of that, I don't enjoy the behaviour - even if it was just careless. It tells me we are not compatible.

I'm sorry but I really think you should talk to a therapist. Your thought processes are showing a lot of signs of paranoia and that's just not a healthy way to live, inventing malice and thinking that near strangers are doing things at you.

Obviously you don't have to be friends with flaky, rude people.

But the determination that strangers are conspiring together to plot against you is just really alarming to read.

And all this stuff about people enjoy cancelling plans because it lets them feel dominant over the other person - wtf?? What kind of nutter even thinks of that? It would never even enter my head that having to cancel plans with someone makes me "dominant" over them.

It's also possible these women are picking up on the fact you obviously dislike them.

I don't think it's a concious thing.

I've had loads of therapy. The main thing that came out of it is to learn that other people do what they do and it's usually nothing to do with you personally- as in, it's not because of you or your fault.

That doesn't mean that you have to just go along with everything though. If you don't like it, you can leave it.

As is the case in this scenario.

Calling me a nutter is unnecessary.

Maybe stop psycho analysing me for saying just a few things about ONE situation. I also didn't say they're out to get me. I said there's a possibility that they unconsciously feel powerful.

People do this kind of stuff unconsciously all the time to make themselves. If you don't believe that happens, that's fine. But stop calling me names just because I have a different opinion to you.

Have you offered to host play dates at yours? I can't make out what the arrangements where when they were cancelled.

Also as they live near and are good friends they will just do what is easier and suits them, probably arranging things with each other at the last minute.

Yeah so they wanted to do it at a local play park.

I actually even said that I prefer more last minute things, as I'm not a big planner. They were the ones that made a huge deal out of planning so far in advance. I actually hate that kind of thing but went with the flow.

So you move to a new area, a couple of mums arrange to meet with kids and cancel twice. They don't rearrange meet up but send you pictures of their children enjoying play dates with out your child.

Its extremely rude and I can absolutely see why you might question if it. Because the person sending you the pictures is either stupid or extremely self absorbed to not recognise how in poor taste this is.

I'd focus on who your dd is friends with and try to arrange things for her after school or at weekends. If these are her friends then yes I'd try again but I wouldn't be pursuing a friendship myself

Add to that the main mum knows full well we've moved and are trying to make connections and are finding it tricky. The main mum makes a really big deal out of all the great friendships her DC has and how she'd love to include us as well in the play dates as our DC get on so well and they're always talking about my DD. Bla bla.

Firstly don't give them a second thought - perhaps they are simply a bit busy/chaotic/thoughtless. Any of that in an of itself is not nice to be on the receiving end of. Although not deliberately it can be irritating and hurtful. And over all just a waste of your energy.

But there is a possibility this mum/s are enjoying the power of knowing they have the strong friendship group. Perhaps being a bit braggy about all the wonderful things they do whilst secretly enjoying the fact you and your child are not part of it etc. Although in the minority there are definitely individuals like this.

Without knowing the full story my feel for it from the way you explain it is that it seems likely the second option is more likely. Or that you believe it to be something along these lines.