Boyfriend has made me feel guilty for being unwell

[SqueakPippy]

I’m feeling very fragile at the moment, my mood and energy has been all over the place and I’ve just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that affects my thyroid.

First of all, I know being around someone who is depressed or down is really hard and exhausting, and I apologise for it every day. He generally is a fantastic boyfriend but he’s really upset me today.

I’ve had a hard day, I’ve been in bed exhausted. I’m sensitive to a lot of things, I dropped burgers on the floor earlier and I said “oh fuck sake” and got annoyed. At the time, bf asked if I was okay and acted caring.

We got into an argument earlier because I simply said I wanted to move into the bedroom from the front room, as my housemate was playing loud music. I said “it’s loud”, probably in an aggravated tone but I wasn’t annoyed at her as such. Boyfriend said “it’s her place as well you know”. Which I thought was unnecessary. He said it’s because I “was complaining” which I wasn’t, I was just stating why I wanted to move. He then said he’s “given me a lot of leeway” over the last few days.

I thought this was a horrible thing to say. I’ve been really apologetic and aware of how bad my mood has been; and he’s basically now told me he’s given me leeway. He said “I’ve been really aggressive, even with the burgers”. So even though he acted caring at the time; turns out he thought all day that i was being aggressive.
He now won’t talk to me.

I understand emotions are probably high and I don’t even know if I’m making sense but he’s really upset me. He doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on in my head and body.

Am I being unfair here?

I’m not sure he’s really making you feel guilty for being unwell - you feel guilty because you’ve been in a bad mood and are taking it out on others.

I feel for you because long term illness is a shit card to have been dealt. You’re going to have to find strategies for managing your condition which don’t involve inflicting a bad mood on the people who love you. Everyone gets grumpy and deserves leeway sometimes, but several days of it is too much. It takes a toll treading on eggshells because your partner is in a bad mood.

Apologising for your mood is one thing, but it’s meaningless without changed behaviour. Have a think about what you need in terms of strategies and support when you’re feeling this way - long and short term. Things you can do in the moment, like go for a walk or make a cup of tea, and longer term solutions like therapy or meditation.

It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you and wants to be supportive but he can’t be an emotional punchbag for days at a time when you’re feeling low.

First of all, your boyfriend did not "make you feel guilty", nobody has a power to make us feel anything. We either take their comments on board or not. Secondly, as you admitted, you've been (understandably) a bit touchy lately due to feeling unwell. It doesn't matter what your boyfriend thought about the burgers, what matters is that he showed you support when the situation happened.
Nobody can understand what is going on in your head and body, they can be supportive, they can be understanding but they will never feel what you feel. This is normal. You don't know what it is like to have cancer, I don't know what it feels like to need a hip replacement. And although I have enormous sympathy for my partner who has chronic pain, when he is being moody and difficult to deal with for days and weeks on end, I am entitled to feel put out because relationship should not be one-sided even when one of you has a health condition. You would do well to have some empathy for him rather than paint him as a monster when it sounds as though he did his best to support you (even if his best wasn't quite enough in your eyes)

I think if your boyfriend is reasonable then this is solvable by acknowledging his feelings and owning your part. Just tell him you’re sorry you’ve been grumpy or irritable and that you appreciate his support. It’s not about whether you’re in the wrong, or it all being your fault. Drop the guilt. You’re doing your best given the circumstances, but it’s good to acknowledge that he is too.

Unfortunately being ill does not give you carte blanche to behave badly. It sounds pretty clear from your description that you've been grumpy and probably very stressful to be around. Just because he understands the reasons that might be contributing to your behavior doesn't mean you can expect him to just put up with you creating a stressful and unpleasant environment. Apologizing for how you've behaved is a good start but you need to actually take some action to try to ensure you're not getting so cross about every little thing because it's not fair on your partner and it's horrible to be around.

I think he has been reasonable and its understandable that he's pointed out to you that your tone has been off because it's also not easy to be on egg shells around someone. Just because you apologise doesn't mean he can't have his opinion. Both examples it sounds like your tone was really off.

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but to be fair, it sounds like he's walking on eggshells around you and you're taking your frustration out in him

You should apologise to him and take on board your behaviour

I think you are being a bit unfair.

I also have an autoimmune disease and it can be a lot to come to terms with, so you have my sympathy. I'm recovering from surgery just now and have also been a bit of a grumpy bugger because of the pain and the frustration of not being able to do things I want to do. However, this is a 'me' problem and it's not anybody else's fault either, so I do try not to take things out on other people.

It sounds like you're down and that's understandable, but it also sounds like your partner is trying to be supportive and you're being a bit grumpy and over sensitive. He doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong here so I'd give him a break and give yourself one too, it's not easy.