To think they could have included us in the arrangements?

[Lesparentsincompetents]

DD(10) takes part in a high-level activity which, amongst other things, requires her to be at a particular training session straight after school, one day a week. It is only possible to miss this particular session quite rarely and you have to ask permission etc. It isn’t county-level swimming but that’s a reasonable analogy - it’s something that is quite difficult to get into. There are two other children in DD’s year at school who are doing the same thing.

As a result, it isn’t always possible to play all the away sport matches at school, because the coaches don’t get back in time in the afternoon for them to get their after school session. At the beginning of the year, DD’s school queried this with me and questioned whether she could miss some of the sessions to play the school sport matches instead. I tried to speak to the other two sets of parents about this, and asked what they thought we should collectively do, but both of my messages were met with silence. In the end, for lack of other input, I held the line and said we were terribly sorry but that we had to go to the agreed after school sessions. The teacher said she understood but that DD had to appreciate that she couldn’t guarantee she would keep her place on the school team. I forwarded this to the other two parents. One sent a generic thanks. I didn’t hear anything back from the other.

I have just found out that the other two parents have got together and emailed the director of the activity to ask for permission to miss the session this week so that they can go to the school sports matches. They didn’t give me a heads up so that DD could join the request. Of course, they can choose to do whatever they want to do, but AIBU to think that:

a. If that was what they thought was best, perhaps they could have said so when I was asking them for their views back in September, and we could have approached the school/activity collectively?

b. They could have let us know what they were doing and included us on the request for permission this week? We had told school it wasn’t possible to miss this activity (which in theory it isn’t). Now that they are doing exactly that, it makes it look like we are just being difficult and DD is worried that she might lose her place on the team because it looks like she isn’t committed, when she hasn’t actually done anything wrong - she was just following the rules.

Obviously nobody has to let anyone know what they are doing and they are perfectly entitled to make their own arrangements, but AIBU to think that it would
have been kind to have done it collectively so as not to drop any single parent in it with the school? We all share lifts etc every week and help each other out so it’s not as if we are all minding our own business and getting our kids to this activity completely independently of each other.

I like the other parents - they’re usually really nice - but I’m not sure whether I should say something. Would you?

I wouldn’t say anything. I would just assume you are now doing your own thing with rides.

That is really strange of them OP. Fancy making a plan between themselves and not including you. I wonder if your child is doing better than theirs and they have an eye on getting a space in the team if your child is absent?! Just wondering as it seems really strange that they are not responding to you?

There’s no point in saying anything - what would you say?

I agree it’s slightly odd they didn’t include you, but it may just be that they are friends and assume you’d sort yourself out.

You did show a lack of initiative is not asking if your daughter could skip a session - if you don’t ask you don’t get.

You can change it going forward

I agree it’s strange that they felt the need to organise something but only between themselves and knowingly exclude/single out your DD. seems very strange indeed. I mean if you were all independent but all have a shared interest then it would be understandable, but you share lifts etc! I probably wouldn’t bother saying anything though, I’d just sort myself out lifts wise in future as clearly they’re only going to be friendly when it suits.

Thus is the competitive nature of sports and parents....

I’m not aware that they are particularly closer friends than I am with either of them…

I don’t know. Would it be odd or aggressive to just say, “It would be great if you could include DD next time; she would also have really loved to play in the match but I thought it wasn’t possible.”?

YANBU, that was weird and pretty selfish behaviour on their part.

I would love to be wrong but they are probably trying to push their kids ahead of yours.
I’m not familiar with proper competitive teams but even in mildly competitive teams, the parents will
do anything to give their child an advantage.
You were sadly naive to think that they would be kind - it’s not a quality that I would associate with competition. I am not shocked that the other 2 teamed up against you either.

Well they sound like a pair of bitches.
Bear it in mind for your dealings with them in future.
It's unlikely your dd is going to lose her place in the team after this one miss. It's quite near the end of term anyway now.

YANBU. I do think it's a bit odd that they didn't include you. Maybe they'd already gone to the school to ask before you did, and were just embarrassed to tell you?

To be honest, if there are two other kids in your DD's year alone who are doing the same activity then it doesn't sound that difficult to get into. Which makes me wonder if perhaps they're just a bit more relaxed about all this than you are and thought (rightly or wrongly!) that you were making a mountain out of a molehill, and wanted to take a step back? Is there a chance that you might have inadvertently come across as if you were trying to take over and organise everyone?

I'm not saying this is the case, obviously! But I can't really think of many other possible explanations, other than that they're just a bunch of weirdos. It does seem like strange behaviour on their part, especially if you've always been on good terms. And you've been sharing lifts and things, so it does seem like twattishness from them.

I did wonder that, but it’s actually very unusual for there to be three kids from the same school in this activity - there were only five chosen from the whole city. It was just coincidence that three knew each other. It is pretty difficult to get a place.

I’d go back to both the school and the club and explain what happened, and that you’d tried to make contact - and that you were trying your best to follow all rules.

It would be very unfair for your Dd to miss out on the school team and the other two not.

Are the other 2 girl close, or has their been a fall out? I'd now be independent from them as theirs obviously some sort of issue. I can't see why the school would hold a place for a child that can't attend, so they were probably just trying to keep both places happy. If you want to carry on with them I'd talk face to face next time

It sounds like they are just protecting their DCs place on the team, and see your DD as too much competition? Not nice.

I'd plough my own furrow from now on; do the best for your daughter without considering what the other parents may, or may not, be doing.

I honestly don’t think DD would be competition for them. Their daughters are great at this school sport. I’m pretty certain it’s not about that.

I suppose it just leaves me feeling a bit deflated that people can’t just be nice. I am going to have to see them several times a week going forwards so it looks as though the consensus is not to say anything.