I hate Christmas Day plans…why is it so hard!?

[Allthingssprinkles]

Every Christmas there is always a big fuss made about Christmas Day plans…why do I always feel torn?!
This year is no different, I spent last year with my mum and children.
This year I have a wonderful boyfriend, we are a week away from our 1st anniversary. We both have 2 children and due to my circumstances we always go to his, he doesn’t come to mine - it’s not practical and it doesn’t work and I’m happy with the situation.
He said he is hoping we will spend all of Christmas with him, Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day. Which I would love!
Then I have my mum, who is already pressing for Xmas day plans and told me this morning that she’ll be really upset if I don’t spend the day with her as she’s helped out massively with my 2 DD’s this year. (I feel this is slightly unfair and like she is threatening to not help me with childcare is she doesn’t spend Xmas lunch with us)
I don’t know how best to split my time? Any helpful ideas?
My boyfriend lives 45 minutes away and my mum is 30 mins away, the only option I see at the moment is me rushing from one house to another and having another shitty Christmas Day trying to fit everyone in!x

He said he is hoping we will spend all of Christmas with him, Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day. Which I would love!

He is being completely unrealistic to expect you to be there for those 3 days when you have children and other family members to consider.
However much you would love it, are the kids really going to love being stuck with you and this relatively new boyfriend and his kids? (Or are they with their mother?). Wouldn't they want to go and see their grandma?

Then I have my mum, who is already pressing for Xmas day plans and told me this morning that she’ll be really upset if I don’t spend the day with her as she’s helped out massively with my 2 DD’s this year. (I feel this is slightly unfair and like she is threatening to not help me with childcare is she doesn’t spend Xmas lunch with us)
I don't like the sound of this though. Is there some backstory? Because she shouldn't be threatening not to help with childcare to get her own way over Christmas - or was she not threatening and just expressing the thought that she would be upset?

In any case, I think you would be unfair to spend all three days with this new boyfriend so you should think of a compromise. Christmas Day with your Mum. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with him. Or Christmas Eve in your own home without him, have Santa come there or whatever you normally do, Christmas Day with your Mum and then go to him early evening or on Boxing Day.

I know what I have to do. I’m going to have to spend Xmas day with my mum.
We did it last year, I don’t particularly think anyone enjoyed it! TBH my kids aren’t keen to see their gran on Xmas, she has mental health issues and usually spends most of Xmas crying, I know she can’t help it but it mean that we spend the whole day having to walk on eggshells so as not to upset her.

would be nice not to have the Christmas plan making to do every year, where I feel like I’m being pulled in 3 different directions! Can anyone else relate to that feeling?

Just wanted to add that we have always only seen her Xmas day morning for an hour or so and only spent the day with her twice in the last 15 years! So I’m not just ditching her, which people seem to be assuming.

The fact that you see this as your mum 'blackmailing' you shows your misplaced entitlement to the childcare she provides for you all year round and lack of care for her. She wants you and your daughters to spend Christmas Day with her - your new boyfriend (and he is new) wants ALL of the Christmas period.

You aren't blended, he has children, so do you, why would you even think that this would be a nice thing for your own children when they don't properly know him or his children? Nice thing for you, maybe, but it's not all about you, not when you have children and someone else who provides enormous amounts of childcare for you instead of being able to fulfil a grandparent role.

You are being very selfish.

Was that limited time at your Mum's request, or yours?

It sounds as if she would really like to have you and your children be with her at Christmas and is cognisant that you might want to spend it with just you and your children so hasn't asked for more time.

Only you know what the real situation is but for me, it's not something that I would consider - kids and family before boyfriends every time.

What a massive drip feed and what a horrible post from you, OP.

You're happy enough for your children to spend so much time in the care of your Mum who has mental health issues. I feel very sorry for your Mum and your children if that's the case.

Where are you being 'pulled in three directions'? Mum, boyfriend and?

What does your mum normally do on Xmas day then?

Cant you host everyone at yours this year?

Go Christmas morning.. Have tea and mince pies.. Can she really be bothered to make lunch given she obviously doesn't love Christmas? Ask bf to make festive tea....

What would your mum do if you just saw her for an hour in the morning? Would she be alone for the rest of the day?

OP you haven't answered why you, boyfriend and mum can't all spend Christmas together. Surely this is the only way everyone's going to be happy. One of you will have to extend an invitation and it makes most sense to be you as you are the link between mum and boyfriend.

You have been with your partner less than a year. Regardless of whether you go to your mums or not, that’s too new of a relationship to expect your children to spend their Christmas with him and his children.

We all can, but I would have to wait for my boyfriend to invite my mum, maybe he will if I mention it to him.
my mum would usually spend the day with her boyfriend at Xmas.

Take your boyfriend to your mums on Christmas Day??

Why can't you invite everyone? I understand that boyfriend normally never goes to yours but maybe at Christmas he would make an exception?

What do your kids want to do?

You're not covering yourself in glory here op. It seems your mum is fine when you need child care/want to shag the new man, but when you have to spend time with her you come up with excuses as to why she's horrible. And you don't seem to prioritise your children and their wants/needs. How to they feel about being forced to stay at the boyfriends House over Xmas? Or haven't you bothered asking them either?

You sound nice!

Of course I’ve asked my kids what they’d like to do, they are happy to go and excited at the thought of a big family all together at Christmas!
They feel quite at home at his house, and enjoy spending time with his kids, he made a real effort to give them their own bedroom and decorate it with their favourite things so they feel at home.

Just because I don’t know how to split my time at Xmas and I’m a single mum with a boyfriend doesn’t make me an awful parent!

Prioritise your DM She's.helped you out with childcare and likely more
I'm sure your DC would love to spend time with GM too unless they're spending it elsewhere in which case it's even more important to spend it with DM
Have your DM and BF even met?
See him Christmas Eve and again on Boxing Day

The fact that your children already have their own bedroom in the house of a man you've been dating for less than a year tells me everything I need to know about how much you prioritise them.

I’d spend Xmas in my own home .
Id explain to your mum that you need this year to be fun and loch hearted and you don’t what anything to ruin it .
If she going to cry all day she has to stay home.
Go to your boyfriends for Boxing Day .

I wouldn’t be blackmailed by anyone