Would you find this annoying in your DH?

[Lu663r]

DH always moans if there's anything he has to do when off work that takes him out of the house.

A few things need to be done and I'm a bit snowed under so I asked if he could drop a couple of donation bags into the charity shop yesterday as they're getting in the way.

He said he'll do it tomorrow (today) and can get DS' overdue hair cut at the same time.

At some point yesterday he declared that he's planning to clean the fish tank tody. I didn't ask him to do that.

Today comes and he's moaning about having to go to the charity shop, moaning about DS needing a hair cut and telling me he won't be able to do the fish tank now as he's got to do those two easy things 🙄

This happens all of the time. Any jobs that need doing = he moans and acts hard done by.

Would this annoy you?

Yes, it would. Why do you think he is like this? Have you talked about why he is generally reluctant to leave the house (as opposed to talking about specific incidents)?

I've tried to discuss it many times over the years and he point blank denies that he has any problem leaving the house. His defence is that he goes to the corner shop and supermarket all of the time which is true but that's the only places he'll go (90 percent of the time) anywhere else and he claims it's a "ball ache" and too much effort.

He works (so do I) and seems to think that when he's not at work he shouldn't have to do anything else.

I think you've got to be direct and specific - divide the going out tasks between you (or take turns) - tell him that it's no less of a pain for you, these things have to be done and you are no longer prepared to do all of them. If he tries to wriggle out of it by inventing stuff to be done in the house, firmly say that you will, e.g. clean the fish tank (or even start cleaning it yourself) so he doesn't have the excuse.

" He works (so do I) and seems to think that when he's not at work he shouldn't have to do anything else. "

If you took this stance as well because you also work right? Then when would anything that needs to be done to maintain a normal homelife get done?

Does he go out to get his hair cut on a day off? Does he go out to get things or do things he wants specifically for him on his days off?

He isn't a single man anymore, he has responsibilities and you don't get full days to yourself to suit yourself once you have children.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Getting errands done on your time off is always a bit annoying. Maybe combine it with more fun things so it feels less of a drag. DH's days off are at weekends so we do fun family days out and do things like dropping things off. Or I get it done as I work 2 days. Shopping is all done online and saves a lot of time.

I couldn’t deal with it for a weekend, far less longterm.

A friend of mine was like this. Despite being married with two primary-school aged children, anything that required him to leave the house other than for work ate away at his peace of mind, and took on this huge, bothersome significance for him. He would complain all week about having to take the children to a swimming lesson on Saturday morning because his wife was away, or a parent-teacher meeting midweek. He seemed to feel he couldn’t ‘settle in for the evening/day’ if something required him to go out. Being ‘settled in for the evening/day’ meant scrolling through the internet on his tablet with Dave on in the background.

I wish all I had to do was work and nothing else.

He needs to grow up and realise he needs to contribute to family life as well as work. I'm sure we'd all like to relax on our days off, but in reality things like hair cuts and dropping stuff at charity shops needs to be done - but he's also right that the fish tank needs cleaning. Could you compromise and he does the lions share of the indoor work, cleaning, washing, fishtanks and you will do the majority of the outside stuff?

He's not a single man, he's a husband and father who needs to step up and do his 50%!

Thank you for the replies. It really does grate on me then I wonder if it's just me being intolerant.

Fun days out with the kids is just as bothersome for him if not more so. They're young (age range of 2 - 5) so the day trips can be stressful but that's life.

I will never forget one comment he made to me when we were having a disagreement about him moaning about jobs to be done, he said, and I quote "if you worked nights I wouldn't expect you to do anything at all"

He does work nights but 4 a week so he has 3 off and two of them are one after the other so he has loads of spare time over the course of a week.

That would annoy the living fuck out of me.

Yes this would massively annoy me. When the actual paid job ends there's still loads of stuff to do if you have DC and a house to run.

Is he otherwise pulling his weight and is it just jobs / trips etc outside of the house that he Dosen’t want to do

Do you want to swap husbands? ... Mine is the opposite. He is obsessed with completing every uncompleted task. I literally just finish the charity bag and he is itching to take it away.

My new phrase is: "stop doing random sh**!" ... Finish your food. Just relax. Breathe. It's okay.

@HaveALaff

He sounds great!

Why can’t you take it to the charity shop
if it’s getting in the way?

In our house we try to get through as much life admin in the week to maximise the feeling of downtime at the weekend.

We had got to the point ante where the weekend was filling up with chores