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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner leaving for 10 days for stag and wedding when the baby will be 2 months old

369 replies

Sunshine0324 · 21/11/2023 07:24

My partner wants to go away to America for 10 days leaving me and the newborn baby.
His best friend lives in the states and has planned on doing his stag do and wedding over there.

The baby will be around 8 weeks old at the time. I live in England, had to relocate to the other side of the country for my partners work and have no family or friends around me.

I have said that I wouldn’t want him to miss the wedding and that I could manage for 4/5 days but am I being unreasonable saying 10 days is too long to leave. This is my first baby and I’m worried as it is.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 21/11/2023 07:27

Wedding OR stag but both is selfish.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/11/2023 07:31

I’m usually firmly in the “you’ll be fine” camp but 10 days is ridiculous. Yanbu.

if he goes for one or the other could you get someone to come and stay with you?

LowBar · 21/11/2023 07:34

Men really live with no consequences do they. Their lives change zero.
Wedding ok

10 days!! When your wife has just given birth! It's not like you need time to recover or breastfeed or rest is it.
And let's be honest, men aren't frantically batch cooking and planning your 10 day break.

Birch101 · 21/11/2023 07:47

Honestly you are not being unreasonable. A night out of fun in those first months sure but that is asking too much.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 21/11/2023 07:48

Can you go and stay with family while he is away? And not come back.

VestPantsandSocks · 21/11/2023 07:50

Your partner needs to step up.

The baby should be his first priority.
Nobody should be putting a stag do ahead of their newborn.

Wedding only and in the shortest timeframe possible.

WiIIowT · 21/11/2023 07:51

I would be ok with this, America is a long way to go for only 4 nights. Half that would be travelling. Yeah I get 10 nights is a lot but between the stag do being probably one weekend then the wedding the weekend after maybe. I dont know, for me and it being his best friend I'd be ok with it rather than him missing it. However if this was something he was always wanting to go on weeks away here and there I'd feel a bit more like it's a piss take. As a one off, more understandable. (I know I'll get flamed for saying it, but just my opinion).

Another however, my DH would never have done this he wouldn't have wanted to be away from his babies while they were so young.

Azerothi · 21/11/2023 07:55

I would be curious to know why your boyfriend is choosing to be away from his 2 month old for what is quite a long time. He should want to be with the baby at this point. It does not bode well for your future if your boyfriend is already taking the piss out of you at this stage.

PicaK · 21/11/2023 07:55

He's putting his friend before you at a time when you'll still be feeling your way as a new mum. You are being entirely reasonable with your request.

SugarLatte · 21/11/2023 07:56

You’re definitely not BU, as other posters have said, life really doesn’t have to change for men after a baby does it?!

Could you go and stay with your family while he’s gone? Alternatively, could you and the baby go with him? I know might not be possible to get a passport etc and you may not feel up to the travel though.

MarleyandMarleyWoo · 21/11/2023 07:57

Your suggestion of less time but still attending the wedding is more than fair, he’s being unreasonable expecting to go for ten days and leave you on your own with no local support. I’m pretty laid back but that would make me very annoyed.
It is disappointing for him, I’m sure, to have to miss big events in his friends life but that’s the way it goes when people move away and have other commitments.

DixonD · 21/11/2023 07:58

When my baby was that age; I did everything. I breastfed though, not sure what your intentions are? If you do, they only need you. You’ll be fine.

Mummymummy89 · 21/11/2023 07:58

Have you had your baby yet (I can't tell how far in the future this is)?

Personally I was still recovering from the birth by then (I mean physically, I was still very weak from all the complications). I would not gave coped at all without daily and nightly help of some kind. If dh had left for that long, I'd have come to rely on someone else instead (eg MIL) and my closeness with/respect for dh would have been completely damaged.

Ofc I really hope you have a smooth easy birth and recover much quickly than I did. But if you haven't given birth yet you don't know if you'll be unlucky like I was. I'm not the only one, I know a mum who developed sepsis several weeks postpartum from retained placenta; another who was still on daily clexane by 2mo that her dh had to administer.

It's not just about the baby, it's about being a caring partner - as a comparison, my dh had a big leg injury about a year before we had dd. He needed help with washing himself etc. I wouldn't have dreamed of upping and leaving him for ten whole days, loving spouses just don't do that.

IamFamousIam · 21/11/2023 07:59

Hands up if you would want to be away from their eight week old baby for 10 days.
Not me

wokbun · 21/11/2023 07:59

You're absolutely not being unreasonable and have suggested a more than fair compromise. When do you get to go away for 10 days and leave baby with him?

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 21/11/2023 08:00

Only you can decide this. Me personally I wouldn't mind him going but that's just my personal choice. Could you and baby go with him? Or maybe he could do 7 days? Or as previously poster said could you go and stay with family, so they can meet baby. What is it worrying you? What ever is decided your feelings should be taken into account and he shouldn't question your decision just support you.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 08:01

Oh and by the time he comes back he will have missed 1/5th of his child's life so far. For a piss up.

HenriettaVienetta · 21/11/2023 08:01

My H went away for 10 days when DS1 was about 10 days old. It wasn't great timing, but such is life sometimes. 18 years on, we are still very much together, so saying it doesn't bode well for the future is bollocks.

As long as everything else is solid, it is his best friend. And therefore should be a one off.

itsgettingweird · 21/11/2023 08:01

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It's 10 days and a baby will be 8 weeks. Even if you have a c section you'll be recovered by then.

Make the most of the time to get to a bay groups and meet people and build up a support network.

It would only be a problem for me if he wouldn't step up if the table were turned and be the main carer for you to attend a friends wedding etc.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 21/11/2023 08:02

10 days is a lot.

If you really want him to go could you ask your parents to come and stay? Or go to them? Could a compromised me reached and say he only goes for 4 or 5 days?

I think it’s sad he wants to be away from the baby for that long when so young tbh.

Edited as I realised you said you don’t mind him going for 4-5 days. In that case, YANBU and if he thinks you are he needs to wise up, fast. Or you do. What is he like generally? A shirker or a grafter? Just wondering if there is a general sense of lazy shitehouse or decent bloke who doesn’t want to kiss his best mates stag.

crumblingschools · 21/11/2023 08:04

Even if you didn’t have a new baby that’s a lot of annual leave he is using up.

Will it also impact family finances if you are on maternity leave?

Mazuslongtoenail · 21/11/2023 08:05

One or the other seems pragmatic, it sounds like you’re being very fair.

iLovee · 21/11/2023 08:09

Honestly thats totally unacceptable! I would be really hurt he wanted to go for so long tbh. Plus the expense of going to a wedding abroad AND the annual leave he would take rather than using that AL to spend time with his family.

At 2 months, you are still deep into the fourth trimester - your husband should be looking after you! Hopefully baby will still be in the sleepy phase though so you can get lots of rest.

That said, my husband goes away regularly for work to exotic countries for 7 days at a time, and i promise you its okay. Its just mind-numbingly lonely.

Could you comprise and he go for the wedding instead? So 5 (ish) days. Also could you go and stay with your mum for a little bit to break it up?

Also, I'm petty, but I would see it as he "owes" you 10 days/nights for you to go out, go away for a weekend with friends etc etc when you feel more comfortable to leave baby overnight!

IhaveanewTVnow · 21/11/2023 08:10

Perhaps he could use the 10 days as paternity leave and look after the baby when you return to work. Honestly mend lives just don’t change and by 2023 I really would expect all men to be 50% involved in the caring of their children. We must expect more from men.

coffeeaddict77 · 21/11/2023 08:10

I also think 10 days is too long. DH works abroad quite a bit and may well have gone to the US when DC were very young but kept trips as short as possible at that time. 5 days would be the limit.