Preparing to be shot down in flames here. Please be gentle. I share my kids 50/50 with my ex-wife. It is all amicable now and we co-parent well.
My most recent relationship ended just over six months ago. We met and it seemed wonderful. She was kind, caring and the physical side of things was amazing. She said that I was the most considerate man I had ever met, lots of compliments and that she had told her friends and family I was ‘The One’. Then a few things started to happen that started ringing alarm bells. She would text me on WhatsApp all the time, but if she had seen me start typing, but I got distracted because else came up (like dealing with my kids, pets or stuff at work), she would text ‘why did you start typing and stop?’. She would say that I never asked her how she was and she needed to hear that from me. She described herself as needy. I was concerned about this. I arrived round her house one evening and she had the TV on watching football. She was engrossed as it was her team playing. I watched with her, but then she complained about it later saying ‘my attention should have been on her’, which I found bizarre.
One evening round mine I said I was going to do some exercise, then take a bath. I try to do an hour a day and prefer not to pay for a gym. I did the exercise, then lay on the bed to take my blood pressure reading (Doctor’s orders) and she then started texting me from downstairs asking me why I was ignoring her. It had only been an hour. I came down and she burst into tears saying that the day had been ruined, we hadn’t gone out for a walk (it had been heavily raining and we couldn’t) and that me spending time with her was important. I was bewildered as she had said ‘go for it’ when I said that I was going to do the exercise. She left and we didn’t speak for two days. When we did, it was like I was speaking to a different person. But I did feel very worried. Things calmed down for a few weeks.
It came to Christmas (we had been together two months). As I said previously, I share my kids amicably 50/50 with my ex-wife. We rarely see each other other than changeovers with the kids, but we always do something for the kid’s birthdays and she comes over for Christmas present opening on Christmas Day (I always have the kids at Christmas). My girlfriend texted me on Christmas Eve and said that, from now on, all decisions involving the kids and where they spent Christmas, would be discussed between her, myself and my ex wife (she hadn’t even met my kids yet). She said that seeing both parents at Christmas was unhealthy and one of the worst ways that you could parent kids (she has no children herself). I was stunned by this (my kids are really happy and are flourishing despite the divorce). She got very hostile and I told her that I wanted to end the relationship if that was her opinion about this. One of my unbreakable boundaries is how my kids are, and if they feel safe. I am a Dad first. My ex-wife has moved on and her new boyfriend (who the kids really like and seems like a really kind man) has never put any demands on her about the kids.
We exchanged keys, spoke briefly and apart from a few texts, that was it. I then started receiving texts at 12am and 1am asking ‘why are you finding it so hard to ignore me? No need to reply.’. I did and asked ‘are you OK?’.
We met a few days later and talked. We didn’t really resolve things but reconciled. Things were lovely for a few months (as it had been for most of the previous months). I slowly introduced her to the kids. She came round for dinner and it was an amazing evening full of laughter and fun with all of us. She left and phoned me later on that night saying that she had been crying as ‘my relationship with my kids was beautiful’ and that they ‘clearly loved being around me and loved me deeply’. I said that this is what it was like all the time.
She said she wanted me to tell the kids about us. I said that I wanted to wait at least 10/12 months as I needed to make sure our relationship was strong. This caused another impasse. We started talking about what would happen if she would move in to mine in the future. She talked about a ‘deed of trust’ so we could put her name on my mortgage. I felt very uneasy about this as she had no equity to put in, and she could try to force a sale if we split up. She also objected to the fact that my ex-wife and I still have a joint life insurance policy- to provide for the kids if either of us should die. I said that when the kids both hit 18, that would be re-evaluated- but not before then.
The final split happened when I asked for a night alone as we had spent every night together for the previous week- I had some work to catch up with and needed to focus (and, as before, if my focus wasn’t fully on her, tears would ensue, and they did). If she ever had things she needed to do, or if she wanted to go out for the night with family and friends, I never objected (why would I?). It descended into ultimatums (‘when are we going to have children?’, ‘will you love our children as much as yours?’, ‘when are we going to get married?’, ‘will it be a church wedding?’). She then bought up Christmas again and said that my kids needed to be integrated into her family traditions. She said that her Christmas was important and that would mean my children and I spending it with her Mum and boyfriend (who she was continually splitting up with). Her Mum had recently upset her by calling her ‘fatty’ (she had lost a lot of weight, then rapidly put it back on after we split the first time- I had always reassured her that I didn’t care about her weight- I just cared about her) and would blank her for weeks if she did something she objected to.
I had not even met her family yet- she hadn’t introduced me to them. I said ‘my kids and I are nothing to do with your family’. She went upstairs, put her key on the kitchen sideboard and said ‘I cannot believe you spoke to me like that’. I helped her carry her bag to the car and said ‘bye’. She then said ‘no-one will ever love you as much as I did’.
My friends said ‘lucky escape’. It has made me hesitant to start any new relationship.