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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

would you wait for your partner to go to university before having a baby?

46 replies

crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:18

Assuming your partner is a mature student who wants to retrain, and meaning they'll be studying for 3 years. You're in your 30s. Would you wait 3 years before TTC?

OP posts:
crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:38

Yes absolutely it's not the right decision now. But waiting 3+ years is a huge risk. I know people can have babies around or near 40 but it's not guaranteed.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 21:42

crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:38

Yes absolutely it's not the right decision now. But waiting 3+ years is a huge risk. I know people can have babies around or near 40 but it's not guaranteed.

What are your realistic alternatives?

He doesn’t do his degree so you could have a baby now. Would he want this?
You split up and find someone else to have a baby with.
You have a baby whilst he’s a student/not working, despite him really not wanting to do this.

I can’t see a good long-term solution here. You want a baby now and he doesn’t. Does he want a baby at all?

UsingChangeofName · 20/11/2023 21:42

No

crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:45

I don't want to stop him pursuing his dreams. I think he's got a different viewpoint to me in terms of what position you need to be in before having a baby. I'm not saying just have one with 0 planning, but I'm on the other hand not someone who thinks you need 5 years of savings and a mansion before even thinking about TTC.

OP posts:
crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:48

I also want to move to another city because it's expensive where we live, and housing is more affordable elsewhere. I also just think there are nicer places to live, it's very overcrowded here. He wants to stay here though, so I'm staying here for him.

OP posts:
GoingOffOnATangent · 20/11/2023 21:48

I went to uni as a mature student when I was 33 and my first child was born at the end of my first year. So year one as a student I was pregnant, year two I was a new mum, and year 3 I had dc2 on the way.
It was really really hard! But we did it! DH was on board though. If he hadn't been out could have broken us, it was not at all easy.
But the reason we did it that way (requalify and embark on parenthood simultaneously) was because at that age, there was a good chance whichever one we did first, would likely result in the other not happening.
It was all worth it on both counts in the end. 😁

GoingOffOnATangent · 20/11/2023 21:50

crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:48

I also want to move to another city because it's expensive where we live, and housing is more affordable elsewhere. I also just think there are nicer places to live, it's very overcrowded here. He wants to stay here though, so I'm staying here for him.

Has he ever demonstrated a willingness to do things your way sometimes?

Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 21:54

crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:48

I also want to move to another city because it's expensive where we live, and housing is more affordable elsewhere. I also just think there are nicer places to live, it's very overcrowded here. He wants to stay here though, so I'm staying here for him.

It sounds like you each want quite different things in life, tbh. Are those things actually compatible?

crazyaunts · 20/11/2023 21:56

I'm not sure anymore :(

OP posts:
wokbun · 20/11/2023 21:58

I would try up until year 2 ends then have a gap so they won't risk having a baby during final exams/dissertation writing. Do the maths for that bit. Then once that window has past keep trying.

Good luck!

Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 22:00

I’m surprised by the people suggesting you ttc with a man who has made it clear that he doesn’t want a baby at the moment. I absolutely wouldn’t be doing this.

LolaSmiles · 20/11/2023 22:02

I'd wait for a year course but not for a 3 year course unless the course hours meant that my partner would still be available to be a hands on parent.

Equally, if I wanted to retrain and a partner expected me to give up the opportunity because they wanted a baby then I'd probably walk away from the relationship because we want different things.

I'll get splinters being on the fence. Neither of you are unreasonable but you want different things and have different priorities at an important stage in life.

Ponoka7 · 20/11/2023 22:02

Get a fertility MOT. Heading towards 40 and it isn't only conceiving that's an issue, having a live birth isn't guaranteed either. People don't share having intervention, so don't go on other people's experiences. It sounds as though he isn't committed and I do think that you might have to rethink the relationship.

Saschka · 20/11/2023 22:04

I started TTC at 31, DS arrived at 38. Lots of miscarriages in between. Never managed another. If I’d have waited until I was 37/38 to TTC, I’d be childless.

Do Not Wait

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 22:07

At age 33 I would not be prepared to wait 3 years. I know a few people who've studied for a degree while having a small child.

InSpainTheRain · 20/11/2023 22:13

So he doesn't want a child now, he has several years before he will settle and you don't like where you live but stay with him. Are you actually compatible? Perhaps think about finding someone more in tune with what you want. But certainly don't have a baby with your current partner - he has been clear that it's a no.

jacks11 · 20/11/2023 22:19

It depends on whether a baby is non-negotiable for you or not. If it is, then I think waiting 3 years carries the risk that you may not be able to conceive, or may need fertility treatment. if that is not something you can countenance, then I think you need to be clear about that with your partner. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, he may be willing to try now. If he isn’t, then you have a decision to make- end the relationship and move on, or accept the risk of ttc later with statistically reduced chances of conceiving (not zero, but significantly reduced).

Equally, I think having a baby whilst trying to study at university level is not an easy thing to do- if this is something he really wants to do and he will only get this shot at it, I can understand his reluctance to have a child right now. You would both need to be totally onboard about starting a family now if he goes to university soon. He might be worried that it puts his ambitions/dreams in jeopardy. His dreams are no less important than OP’s desire/dream to have a baby- neither is wrong, it just might mean that you aren’t compatible.

I would also say that I can understand the worry about having a child you aren’t sure you can support financially. You might not need a mansion and 5 years of income in savings, but you do realistically need to be able to provide essentials. If he is not working/on student loan/grant, then can you support 3 of you on your income and student finance +/- any benefits you may or may not be entitled to? What about when you are on maternity leave (some people have better maternity pay than others). Have you sat down together and worked out if you can afford a child if your partner does go to university.

I am not sure either approach is “wrong”, perhaps case of different priorities/right person but wrong time.

crumblingschools · 20/11/2023 22:22

How will you finance the baby? Do you have any savings?

Nevermind31 · 20/11/2023 22:31

Is he relying on you to finance him whilst he is at uni? could you finance 3 of you whilst being on maternity leave/ pay for nursery?
what are the job prospects once he has the degree (ie will it lead into a job because he studied medicine/ nursing whatever, or will he be a graduate with a genetic degree?)?
and finally, how likely is he going to be sucked into a student lifestyle with 18-20 year olds, trying to relive his youth? That would breed resentment on both sides… you tying him down being pregnant/ with baby, and him not helping out…
i mean, ultimately it means either waiting, or leaving him… you can’t force him to be ready. But better now than in 3 years time…

Singleandproud · 20/11/2023 22:39

It sounds like overall the two of you are no longer compatible and want very different things.

There is another option, he works full time and does an OU degree part-time (there are other unis now offering part-time, remote degrees) and you have a baby. You can take a break with the OU as long as it's completed within 16 years of the start date.

It's hard work but if I can complete an OU degree as a full-time working teacher, single parent with an autistic child he can manage too.

What job does he want to do? Would he be better off starting in an entry-level role and working his way up in the 3 years utd take him to finish a course and potentially not get a related job?

BeardieWeirdie · 20/11/2023 23:26

Shinyandnew1 · 20/11/2023 22:00

I’m surprised by the people suggesting you ttc with a man who has made it clear that he doesn’t want a baby at the moment. I absolutely wouldn’t be doing this.

We’re not saying force him into having a baby he doesn’t want - we’re saying don’t gamble your fertility. Leave him and find someone who wants the sane things as you.

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