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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel this was a bit unfair of work colleagues?

20 replies

Lis1992 · 20/11/2023 19:59

Okay before people say I’m looking for attention I’m not!! Looking for validation of my feelings maybe, but that’s it! Last week, two hours after a red weather warning for wind, a large tree branch with three limbs, fell on my car at work. When I was inside the car. So needless to say it was terrifying. I did post previously about that part. Was told by many people I wouldn’t be here to tell the story, if I’d been out of the car. So while I feel guilty for saying it because I’m physically fine, I’m still finding it Very hard to process emotionally. Some people are supportive, some don’t seem to get it. Not that I keep mentioning it, just in general! So my AIBU is this. A colleague recently was upset because of an argument with another person at work. It was suggested that some of us who work in the same dept as her, give money for a treat to cheer her up. So we did. However, the same group didn’t do remotely similar for me. Not even a coffee! Not that I want material stuff, just the recognition, like was shown to other colleagues. AIBU to think this is a bit unfair?

OP posts:
MerryMidwinter · 20/11/2023 20:12

Sorry you had an experience that shook you up but I can’t imagine either thing being something people would collect money for in my world

Lis1992 · 20/11/2023 20:14

@MerryMidwinter that’s fair enough. I’m saying it because they collect for other people for less, if that makes sense. If they didn’t do it all , that would be different!

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 20/11/2023 20:18

To be honest I think collecting money to cheer up a coworker who's upset about an argument is ridiculous... Yes it's nice but if you were to do this every time someone gets upset you would be collecting money every other day!

So yes maybe it is unfair but maybe people just realised it was bad idea in the first place?

UsingChangeofName · 20/11/2023 20:22

I agree with the 2 previous replies.

I am sorry this happened to you.
I can understand that it has shaken you up, but I wouldn't be expecting a collection.
The other collection you described was just odd. Not sure why anyone contributed.

Lis1992 · 20/11/2023 20:23

@Bearbookagainandagain that’s a good way to look at it actually. Appreciate that perspective!

OP posts:
Lis1992 · 20/11/2023 20:23

@UsingChangeofName Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I was just a bit put out at why not me, if it was done for even less! Not the collection itself. But thank you.

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 20/11/2023 20:24

Some people are supportive, some don’t seem to get it. Not that I keep mentioning it, just in general!

Have you told everyone?

Because it’s the type of thing you make a fuss off the day after it happened, but you wouldn’t keep bringing it up or offer support.

Glad you weren’t hurt.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 20/11/2023 20:30

I agree @Lis1992 its a bit shit but I’d have been a bit wtf if I’d have been asked to do contribute to something to cheer a colleague up!

I had a olleague at work had a sick dog that needed an op, company sent her flowers. I didn’t get flowers when my daughter had an op!!!

momonpurpose · 20/11/2023 20:50

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/11/2023 20:18

To be honest I think collecting money to cheer up a coworker who's upset about an argument is ridiculous... Yes it's nice but if you were to do this every time someone gets upset you would be collecting money every other day!

So yes maybe it is unfair but maybe people just realised it was bad idea in the first place?

Yes I'm sorry but if we did this at my workplace we would all be penniless. It's pretty ridiculous. We have collections for deaths in the family or once an employee had their house burn down but someone sad over an argument no. We actually had a tree fall on a car twice in the last few years. We all were sympathetic and spoke to the people involved. But honestly never brought it up again. Is there maybe something else going on to make you feel this way?

ColleenDonaghy · 20/11/2023 20:51

You must have had a horrific fright OP. I had something similar but also quite different happen to me years ago and it does take a while to shake. I think people who haven't experienced it won't get that, and those who have may be leaving you in peace to process it.

The collection for your colleague is just plain weird and I imagine everyone is inwardly eye-rolling at whoever suggested it!

Toddlerteaplease · 20/11/2023 20:52

You had a collection because someone had an argument? That's bizarre!

Toddlerteaplease · 20/11/2023 20:54

I didn't get flowers when I got diagnosed with MS but a colleague did for something minor. That rankled a bit.,

TadpolesInPool · 20/11/2023 21:02

Yeah its the unequal treatment that rankles. A colleague got a collection, card and HUGE baby present for the birth of his second baby. I got nothing when I left for maternity leave 2 weeks later...

ChesterAndRaoul · 20/11/2023 21:03

I think with things like this it's more to do with whether you are close with the sort of people that instigate things like this or whether you're closer to the people that just contribute.

It was the same at my old job, the group of girls that instigated and handled birthday (and other) collections weren't close friends of mine, so when I left to have a baby there was a collection (great, more than I was expecting!) but when a friend of mine who was part of their clique left she had a collection and a full blown 'work baby shower'.

The people I was friends with/worked closely with would never have even thought to instigate such an event, they were more than happy to contribute, just not organise anything.

I don't think it's always personal, people just tend to make more of an effort for those that they are close with.

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:05

Wow that sounds terrifying, sorry that happened to you. I wouldn’t contribute to either pot to be honest, but if either of you were to receive anything, I would’ve thought it should be you.

LimeOrangeLemon · 20/11/2023 21:05

I think YABU to expect a treat from your colleagues. But I also think it was crazy that they collected for the other person, so I guess YANBU to think that you deserved it just as much as her!

Pthalo · 20/11/2023 21:11

ChesterAndRaoul · 20/11/2023 21:03

I think with things like this it's more to do with whether you are close with the sort of people that instigate things like this or whether you're closer to the people that just contribute.

It was the same at my old job, the group of girls that instigated and handled birthday (and other) collections weren't close friends of mine, so when I left to have a baby there was a collection (great, more than I was expecting!) but when a friend of mine who was part of their clique left she had a collection and a full blown 'work baby shower'.

The people I was friends with/worked closely with would never have even thought to instigate such an event, they were more than happy to contribute, just not organise anything.

I don't think it's always personal, people just tend to make more of an effort for those that they are close with.

This is so true. At my old job I was always the one to organise the leaving collections and buy the present. I always hunted for bargains and one time I even managed to find some diamond earrings on sale! The woman who received them as thrilled.

When it was my turn to leave I got a £30 voucher.

christinarossetti19 · 20/11/2023 21:24

That sounds very, very scary OP and I'm sure that it has completely shaken you.

Although it's still very present for you, the people you told will have likely thought 'oh, how awful, thank goodness Lis1992 is okay' and got on with their day. They'll have no idea how much it's occupying your thoughts.

If you can't process it fully, it might be helpful to talk to a counsellor or therapist.

PuppyMonkey · 20/11/2023 21:30

How much did you all contribute towards the collection? Confused

Coconutter24 · 20/11/2023 21:36

People actually put into a collection for someone who had an argument with another work colleague? I’m not tight with money by no means but if someone asked me to put in that collection it would be a very big no! Did the other colleague in the argument get anything or was they asked to contribute to the collection 🙈

You clearly had a very terrible shock and still upset by it. However don’t waste your energy, thoughts or time on ‘what about me?’ ….. Yeh it might not feel fair but unfortunately this kind of unequal treatment does sometimes happen in the workplace, doesn’t make it right but just focus on you

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