7 months old's attachment - mother and father

[Floraefauna]

Hello Mumsnetters,

Long time poster on other topics, first in AIBU. NC for this.

This is not exactly AIBU, a request for helpful ideas rather.

We have a 7 months old and I have been the main carer for him since he was born. I am on maternity leave for 9 months. My partner was on paternity leave for 2 weeks and he got sick around that time so didn't get to spend a lot of time with the baby.

For 6 months, I was just trying to survive so I did whatever was needed so that baby is healthy and calm, co sleeping, dreamfeeding, rocking to sleep etc. My partner has a health condition (inflammatory issue) that exacerbates whenever there is a bit of physical stress , so he did minimum of night wake ups, rocking to sleep etc. He managed everything else. He is very hands on with everything and has been supportive in whichever way he is able to.

Now that I am planning to go back to work in couple of months, I am looking to make one change to baby's habits. Just one. I need the baby to be able to go to sleep when partner rocks him. Presently I am the only one who can get the baby to sleep.

We are trying to build the attachment. For example I express BM so that my partner also has a chance to feed the baby. He plays with the baby for couple of hours every day, spends time carrying him around.

When partner rocks him to sleep, baby cries and shouts so much that it forces me to take him from my partner. I then end up rocking/walking him to sleep.

I would appreciate any ideas that can help baby to build similar attachment with my partner so that he can rock baby to sleep.

PS - We have read about sleep training and we will start it when the baby is a bit older. He had a rough initial months and we want to take some time before embarking on that journey.

Would baby wearing help? Has your DC ever been in a sling? Could this help your DP? Maybe just wearing the baby (not trying to sleep at first just for closeness).
I have a 9 month old who needs rocking to sleep too. Partner has been doing it since the beginning (I had a c section and DP had 4 months off). However in the night DD only ever wants me. Makes it so hard doesn’t it? DP can get her to sleep in a sling though.
Side note - Also, don’t feel like you have to sleep train if it’s not for you. It’s not for me either and we won’t be doing it.

I would stop rocking to sleep gradually personally, and babies dad had to find his own way. I could always sit and snuggle baby to sleep, DP has always had to stand and sway. He wouldn’t have found that out if I hadn’t just left them to it and went up for a long bath just after a feed twice a week.

@Brightandbreezey & @HippeePrincess thank you so much.

Carrying DC in the sling is a good idea. We will give it a try. During weekdays, DP is available only after 7 pm and then it is a very short time available to carry baby in sling. We will start with weekends and see how it goes. It seems the process will definitely take longer.

@HippeePrincess I don't know how to stop rocking. If I don't rock, DC will keep throwing himself and crying. It might be possible that I have not tried to hold it for longer and stay put.

I would like to leave DP to handle it on his own. What I don't understand is how long should we wait before I intervene? Once I did leave him alone but I think we got to like 3 minutes before I took DC from him.

I would say how long you leave it before intervening is up to both you and your partner. It’s really hard to hear your baby cry and not want to rush in (especially if you know you can stop the crying!).
I’m no expert but I know when my partner is trying to get the baby to sleep he needs space - as me watching over isn’t helpful as it just stresses DP out and DD is never going to sleep with a stressed parent!
What about trying with the first nap of the day (at the weekend)? Usually the easiest one? Maybe have an agreement with your DP about when you step in but I would really try to give more than 3 minutes if you can!
Good luck x

To stop any sleep association I’ve done the following and I’ll use your example of rocking. So if usually rocked to sleep til soundly asleep I would start off rocking til just asleep, then gradually stop the rocking just before asleep so while drowsy. Then rock only til calm. Then no rocking. Over the course of a few days to a week. Up to you if you add in another one such as shhing or patting instead, both of which can be continued when lying in the cot so eventually you can put baby in awake and just use the sshh alone as a sleep cue/ to calm.