to think it’s ridiculous to accept defeat this quickly?!

[Ifitsmeanttobe]

ds yr7 hates his new school (never wanted to go) bus travel is too long.
He had started to dig his foot in and be difficult each morning refusing to go. misbehave at school. He still works well and does his homework but is made it clear he does not want to be there.
They have started interventions to try and get him involved but he said there is nothing they can do to change his mind.

Is it wrong to accept defeat and start applying. for local school) ? where he is desperate to go)

Why does he want to go to the local school?

Why don't you want him to go to the local school?

Good questions.

Why wouldn't you? If the thing making him unhappy is the physical school and not school in general I'd do what I can to change that

If he has always wanted to go to the local school, why didn’t you send him there? Was the school unsuitable and why?

It won’t get any better OP. Speaking from personal experience. Make the change now. Don’t waste any more time.

He is old enough to know his own mind.

I’ve spoken to people recently in their 50’s who ‘forgive’ their parents for sending them to a school away from all of their friends supposedly because it was ‘better’ (translate: fee paying).
They feel there was little benefit and they always felt like an outsider.

Why on Earth would you not enroll him in a local school if it was both easier and the place he wants to go?

At this stage in Y7 he can still catch up, and lots of friendships won’t be completely cemented.

It also sounds as if there could be more going on in school. Bullying?

he can be trouble. adhd/asd and possible odd so his primary was adamant a grammar school would be the right place form him. His older sibling who he doesn’t have a great relationship (but he looks up to) is in yr10 in the local school. So several reasons why we think he would still struggle in the local eg relationship but we can’t convince him. almost like he has to see it but by then it will be too late

Did his friends from primary go to the local school?

How long is the bus journey?

The school day is long enough without adding loads more travelling time.
I would try and get him into the local one.
But be aware there is a definite pattern of school refusal rearing its ugly head round about this time and changing schools makes little difference in this scenario.

You’re using some very negative language about your child. Describing him as ‘trouble’ and talking about ‘defeat’ as if his education is a war.

If the poor kids has ASD and ADHD that sounds like even more reason to not put pressure on him to form new friends from scratch and add in travelling to make things more difficult for him.

Please let him move. My parents did very similar to me with secondary school and by the first week of year 8 I fell into major depression and point blank refused to go. I had begged before secondary started and all through year 7 to go to my local one and I was ignore because it was better for me to be where I was, and things would get better apparently. No it really didn't, this led to me dropping out of school entirely at 13 and my mental health fluctuating into my early 20's. I wish my parents had listened to me and helped me.

What was the reasoning for the primary school bring ‘adamant’ he needed a grammar school? Better support and understanding of his ASD/ADHD (unlikely!)?

No way I’d force my DC (who was already at a disadvantage with a disability) to attend a school they didn’t want to go to if there was a local alternative which was good enough for their sibling. Poor kid. Hard enough to make friends with ASD, why make it even harder for him!

@Notjustfish i love him but he is definitely very defiant and has issue with authority hence we suspect odd.
He thrives under academic pressure and competition hence we put him into a grammar.
he has always had problem maintaining positive relationships and friendship so he’d never had deep friendships or let’s say trouble free so removing him from his primary group didn’t seem like such a bad idea this time last year. Even he said he was ready to move on but this is the first reality check that actually he struggles with making friendship but wether it’s a common yr7 issue in a new environment or him specifically is the question and if we move him, will he have the same struggles or not?

If you think he would willingly attend the local school, and make a reasonable effort to learn, then I would make the change now. School is generally better than no school, and it's worth not letting school refusal become entrenched.

Ordinarily i’d agree @TheYearOfSmallThings but i don’t have a crystal ball and can’t predict for sure if he would fit right in. the concern of the disadvantage of a com school are still there eg you will kids who go there but really have no interest in learning and become destructive. Ds is easily influenced and i can see him getting sucked into ‘fun’ things

DD2 was torn between a further away school (but she could get a bus with big sister) which I thought might be slightly better and more chilled out as it was all girls, vs the local state mixed academy. She started at the girls school in Y7 but changed to the local school in Y8 as she found it too far from home and it was clear that she had some separation anxiety.

It turned out her school refusal issues were more profound and eventually she was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. Medication, counselling and a little more maturity plus hormones settling down a little is helping, but it was certainly a lot easier for us to physically get her into school when she is able to go, as it's 15 minutes away instead of 25 minutes.

Been there, done that. DS stayed at Grammar school, left with 5 GCSEs and a very bad reputation. So far below his capabilities. In my experience, Grammar schools still have boys who aren't interested in learning, and misbehave. There are always some who have been coached beyond their ability to pass 11+ and really struggle with the reality of a selective school. In hindsight, I would have sent him to the local Comp, where he would at least have been streamed to top sets in several subjects, away from the disruptive influences. Pastoral support wasn't great in his Grammar school.

I am ND and I went to my local school for 5 years. They didn't do A Levels and I got accepted into a grammar to do them so I went there.
I'm in NI so I'm aware ages may differ a little but secondary school is for ages 11-16 then you move to further education or whaver path you choose

It took me a few years to hit my stride in school and the grammar wouldn't have had the patience with me in those first years, but the local school did and helped me to see my own potential. I don't know if maybe this is how your son is potentially feeling?

I think it is the school who are accepting defeat too early not you or your child! If he is at a grammar school I am assuming he is smart and the local comp likely won't compare.

Why are the school giving up so easily? What have they tried to keep him there?

Has issues with authority, I wonder why?

He is not doing what you demand, is he allowed his own thoughts

I think friendship issues are common in year 7. It's still early days and he just needs to find his tribe. Do the school offer social skills interventions or structured lunchtime clubs that he might enjoy (Lego, coding, art).

I totally undertsand your reasons for the grammar.
I think he is suffering partly from the stress of year 7 and the difficulty of making new friends. That would be exactly the same at the local school, but it will be impossible to convince him of that.

I think you need to acknowledge how hard it is for him.
So I would sit down with him and make a plan.
Talk about the hard things, make a list, try and get things on the list that he might not think about, eg going to different lesson for each class. If he is ASD /ADHD he will find that chopping and changing and new teachers really hard. Get him to think about which of these would also be hard at the local school, and which ones might be easier.
Also think abotu if anything else might be harder at the local school.

Try not to be pushy in your view. Make it clear at the beginning that you are both going to explore the options.

You should be left with a load of stuff which will be difficult anywhere, but some specific things which are harder at this school, including travel, which is really hard on year 7s (mine all travelled 1 hour door to door and so I get it)

Then think about a plan. I would try and get him to agree to 6 months in the school, with a review every month. So at the end of every month you sit down and see how it is going and go over the list again.

Be willing to work with him, because if you can't get him onside then he will crash, but also you are the parent so helping him to try and look at the big picture.

It is hard. My son hated that we sent him to grammar, I promised that he could move at the end of year 7 if he was unhappy. He opted (reluctantly) to stay.
At age 17 he told be that he was really grateful that we had sent him there, he needed the competitive and academic environment. He finally understood why. But that is not the case with all kids.

@roses2 OP said the school have put in interventions to try to engage him, but he is adamant he doesn’t want to be there. I don’t think it’s that the school are being defeatist, but that OP is asking should she accept defeat and move him.

Would it be possible for him to go and look at the local school and see how that feels? If he didn’t want to go to the grammar school, with his ASD perception, he’s decided it’s not for him and can’t see that there are benefits. It’s difficult, if not impossible to change the mindset and for him to accept the positives of the grammar.

There’s no guarantee the local school will suit him, of course, but it will be easier logistically and if you can get him to understand there can’t be any other moves, it’s worth thinking about.