Is it me?

[Liveinfear]

My grown up son is asking my hubby to join him again on a break abroad with the local sports team. Honestly i would prefer he didnt go but thats because i fear he might find something better and see me as i see me. I would ideally like my husband to discuss it with me and reassure me. Pathetic i know. However my son likes to get involved. Tells me why shouldnt my hubby go. He works but so do i. He even makes comments like he hopes his girlfriend doesnt turn out like me. It is something i have to work on i appreciate that but would like my hubby to tell our son that we will discuss as husband and wife etc but he doesnt really say anything. Our son is then why wont u let him go u have got to be kidding and tbh sometumes i feel bullied. I wouldnt dream of going away without my husband but i realise that is just me being me but i want my hubby to discuss with me and not let my son take over. Also been suffering with anxiety and depression over last few yrs. Put loads weight on and hubby doesn't come near me. We get on fab really but i dont know if he sees me in the same way. It doesnt help he has lost weight and looks better than ever. Am i enough?

In the nicest possible way you are risking letting your worries ruin your relationships with both your husband and your son. You need to get help for you.

stopping your husband from going away for a couple of days with his son would be very unreasonable

I think it’s lovely that your son wants to spend time with his dad. No he shouldn’t say horrible things to you but are you telling him you don’t want his dad to go incase he meets other women? That equally is not very nice to your husband or your son.
You know this is your problem not theirs. So look at ways to improve your self esteem. Change things if you are not happy with certain aspects of your look before you cause damage to your marriage and family.

"He even makes comments like he hopes his girlfriend doesnt turn out like me."

I hope you stand up for yourself! "I beg your pardon? Who do you think you are talking to?"

How does your DH react when your son is so rude?

Obviously you need to discuss a holiday with your partner. When is it? How long will he be away for? Can you afford it? If he is going away for £x, will you get the same amount of money for a treat for yourself with a friend? Do you have any existing commitments/hospital appointments etc during that time/is someone here to walk the dog/water the plants etc. These are normal considerations and reasonable discussions to be had before such a trip. Of course yanbu to expect a conversation about these things before one person decides to up and go away for a week abroad!

Your son is right, though. You shouldn't be trying to stop your husband going on a trip just because of your anxieties. Regardless of the reason behind it, you are being controlling and paranoid. It's not fair to let your anxieties rule everyone else's lives as well as your own. You need help in dealing with this before it wrecks your relationship with your husband and your son.

If a woman posted on Mumsnet saying "I want to go on a trip with my daughter, but my husband says I can't go because I might meet other men. My daughter has told my husband he's being controlling and unfair, but my husband has turned on her on called her a bully because she stood up for me" everyone would be telling her that her husband was in the wrong, and everyone would be very much on the daughter's side if she told the husband that she was being ridiculous.

Honestly, if my dad 'wouldn't let' my mum go away with me for a few days because he was paranoid that she'd somehow have an affair, I would very much be reacting in the same way that the OP's son is reacting to her.

I appreciate that the OP is struggling with anxiety and depression and weight gain (I've been there myself on all three counts) but it's not at all fair for her to be preventing her husband from going on a trip - with his own son - for those reasons. Anxiety and depression are horrible things to contend with (as I know all too well) but it is selfish to impose them on the people around you. It's not OK for your issues to control your partner's life.

She hasn't said she "won't let him go", she has just said she would like to have a conversation about it first. That isn't at all unreasonable or controlling, that is practical and sensible in a marriage or with anyone you share finances or a life with.

This.

And is what your DS saying that he hopes his girlfriend isn't as insecure and controlling as you are?

It is controlling when she says she doesn’t want him to go in case he meets someone else.

I would suggest OP you have therapy and get yourself to a point where you like yourself again. Start today, start in a small way, and begin to put value on who you are. Your relationships will improve as you feel happier in yourself.

Yeah i think its exactly that. Breaks my heart. Dont wanna be this person for everyones sake. Where do u even try and get help for this kind of shit

Yeah i think its exactly that. Breaks my heart. Dont wanna be this person for everyones sake. Where do u even try and get help for this kind of shit

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy, @Liveinfear

If you can’t let him go places without you in case he meets someone ‘better’, if you are crippled with self-loathing and anxiety, you are pushing away your husband like it appears you have pushed away your son.

Sign yourself up for IAPT to get counselling. The waiting times can be long, so get the ball rolling. CBT can help you look at the narrative you’re telling yourself, address where it comes from and how to alter it.

I used to think like you do, and my life is so, so much happier now I see things differently.

You do realise your 'hubby' could just as easily find someone else right here at home if he so chose, in the pub, at work, through friends or a hobby? Going abroad makes no difference whatsoever. Your marriage sounds very suffocating tbh.

Relate offer counselling for this kind of thing.

Or search for CBT in your area.