To ghost messages from DC' best friend's mum?

[Bottlingitup]

One of DC's best friends' mums is prone to sending me long and rambling messages. I can't say too much about specifics as it would be outing, but as an example she would start with a question about something the kids did in school that day (they're in Year 2), followed by a long and at times incoherent message about some of her own personal issues.

It's gotten to the point where I now ignore/don't reply to some of the messages. I also don't really wish to speculate on any psychological or mental health root causes, as I really think it's none of my business.

As I am not often the one doing the school drop off/pick up, there is a lower (but not zero) chance of an encounter in person - I'd just go "ah sorry I forgot to reply to your message" if asked.

However I can't help but feel discourteous /flakey in doing so (as I wouldn't do this to anyone else). DC is getting fewer playdates with this friend than they'd like, as a result of my aversion to communication with their mum, and I feel bad about it for the kids . AIBU? Should I be approaching this differently?

Is she lonely? It sounds like she wants to make a friend!

She sounds lonely to me, maybe she didn't have any friends or close friends that she can vent to

Quite possibly. But at the risk of sounding dramatic, some of the messages come across as unhinged. Other parents in DC's class have received similar, so it's not just me unfortunately. No one is being unkind back, I'm just finding it really hard to reply /to want to reply.

Could she have a drug/alcohol problem? I would be wary if I was receiving unhinged messages and wouldn't want my child to play dates with them.

Give her lots of advice- people hate that! Problem solved.

honestly, I would have some brief, stock phrases to send back, even hug emoji. Just send a basic reply.

Do not engage. We have one of these in my kid's class too. People who lack awareness to that degree can be frankly unhinged, and cause you all sorts of stress if they get their foot in the door.

So she’s socially awkward over text. I wouldn’t bin your DC’s best friend’s mum and potentially scupper his friendship over awkward texting. Ghosting is hurtful and rude. Why not arrange a play date where you have a chat with her and see if you get along better in person?

There are a few possibilities, I have also wondered about a personality disorder (but as I said, trying not to speculate).

Just feeling it's a shame for DC as well who really wants to hang out more with their friend outside of school - but it's got to a point where I actually dread receiving messages from the mum, so can't really ignore my gut.

I have met the mum a number of times. It is no better in person (apologies I should have mentioned this in the initial post, not intending to drip feed here)

If you want to arrange play dates, why not arrange these face to face at pick up and say you aren’t great at using your phone.

Op. Finding her intense doesn’t make you a bad person. She is being unreasonable to dump all her personal problems on you like that. It’s inappropriate. Pp saying have stock responses and use the heart emoji.

dont let this potentially end an other wise great friendship between the dc.

maybe text her and say due to your struggles you find the texting anxiety inducing?

It's probably best not to feed this one. Sort out play dates face to face and make a comment about not really keeping on top of your phone via WhatsApp etc, blame workmates or something. Just don't get suckered in. Let the kids be friends and have fun, but you don’t need to take on the emotional baggage she's dishing out. That's for her friends to help with.

Oh dear. You’re right you can’t ignore your gut and you shouldn’t feel forced into a pretend friendship that is a mental strain on you. I do still think ghosting isn’t the answer though.

Is there a way to have a confidential conversation with the school safeguarding lead to see if she can be offered support?

You can’t be her therapist and I think like PPs have suggested admit you are rubbish at texting and just do one word stock responses and emojis to acknowledge but not get dragged in to solving her issues would be ok.

Beyond that, perhaps have your DC’s friend over at yours more often than over at hers? so the kids can be kids and you don’t need to worry about your DC potentially being around someone who is struggling?

Thanks everyone. Sounds like I should do a minimum reply rather than ghost.

Minimum reply once to school issues and don’t reply to ramblings

I had a work colleague/friend who was like this.

She'd go radio silent for weeks and weeks, and then whatsapp with something like "so sorry I've been quiet, work has been very difficult..." Then, whether you replied to her fishing or not, she'd launch into a diatribe of how awful everything has been and asking for advice. But every piece of advice we gave her, got either ignored or "Oh, I can't do that because XYZ..."
It got to the point of just ignoring/minimising her. "Oh, I'm sure it'll settle down soon! Life gets so busy sometimes! xx"

Fortunately, she found a job she was happier in and better suited to, and actually, I haven't heard from her now in months! Oh well.