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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My birthday

24 replies

Doginthebed · 19/11/2023 20:43

Ok, here goes.
It’s my birthday this week. My ds 23 lives with friend 30minutes away. Always forgets my birthday. I just get a oh I thought it was such and such a date if I mention it after. Never get a card / text never mind a present! Am I being unreasonable to forget his birthday which is after mine as it makes me feel shit I’m not thought of. A card would do! Or am I being immature. Thoughts please . Surely this age he could remember.
PS he has money for vapes/takeaways and obviously my Birthday is same date every year!

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 19/11/2023 21:01

He’s your son - you can’t forget his birthday. Mothers just don’t forget their children’s birthdays. What you can do, though, is remind him of when yours is - up to you whether you want to be direct - “As you often forget my birthday, I just thought I’d remind you this year that it’s on the 24th” - or you could be a little more subtle - “As it’s my birthday on Wednesday, I wondered if you might like to come round for a piece of cake.” Don’t be hard on him for forgetting - some people just do.

UnRavellingFast · 19/11/2023 21:06

You’re his mother. He’s not yours. Deliberately not marking his birthday in revenge for him forgetting yours? No, don’t do that. Just remind him.

Original poster
Doginthebed · 19/11/2023 21:10

I have done….several times .

OP posts:
Pruntysisters · 19/11/2023 21:15

When it’s his birthday just send him a text with wishes and 🎂 and 🎈 and leave it at that.

WorkSmarter · 19/11/2023 21:21

I think you are right to be upset!

You have birthed him, done umpteen things for him every day and he can't remember your birthday! Wot?!

Tell him how upset this makes you feel and to put a reminder on his phone as he needs to make an effort for his one and only Mother.

Dont let h get away with it. Assert yourself and what you expect ie a decent card, either sent or hand delivered on the day and a thoughtful present.

Good luck Cake

Flowers xxx

Original poster
Doginthebed · 19/11/2023 21:34

WorkSmarter · 19/11/2023 21:21

I think you are right to be upset!

You have birthed him, done umpteen things for him every day and he can't remember your birthday! Wot?!

Tell him how upset this makes you feel and to put a reminder on his phone as he needs to make an effort for his one and only Mother.

Dont let h get away with it. Assert yourself and what you expect ie a decent card, either sent or hand delivered on the day and a thoughtful present.

Good luck Cake

Flowers xxx

This is how I feel.

OP posts:
Ktime · 19/11/2023 21:40

YANBU at all. He’s 23, not 13.

He needs a short sharp lesson that respect and love needs to be mutual.

Original poster
Doginthebed · 19/11/2023 22:00

Ktime · 19/11/2023 21:40

YANBU at all. He’s 23, not 13.

He needs a short sharp lesson that respect and love needs to be mutual.

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
WiIIowT · 19/11/2023 22:32

YANBU, he's an adult. Doesn't matter if you're his Mum. Totally forget his birthday like he does yours.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/11/2023 23:43

Yes do it. It's bad manners and a lack of respect

mondaytosunday · 19/11/2023 23:56

I say: 'what shall we do for my birthday '? Not that my kids have ever forgotten though, but that may be because I always organise something!

caringcarer · 19/11/2023 23:57

He sounds thoughtless. Remind him a week before then again the day before. Come over for dinner and birthday cake for dessert tomorrow. He can't really claim he forgot then can he?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 19/11/2023 23:59

I'd remind him the week before and invite him over or something, he can't forget then. Not that he should need reminding.

Neverendingstory2 · 20/11/2023 00:04

This is sad. I started remembering my parents bday when I was very young. I can’t see how an adult child could ever forget. I would be sad if my almost 30 dd forgot my bday. Usually during the summer she is away at her dads for my bday but as soon as she was old enough to have a cell phone which was around 12 , she called me and has bought me a gift. She has never forgotten.

LesLavandes · 20/11/2023 00:05

I had the same from my 2 children last week - age 21 and 29. The younger one claimed he sent me a card and the older one said she have me a present last year. I have had a row with her over that.

theunbelievabletruth · 20/11/2023 00:07

Not good.

The mollycoddling replies of 'don't blame him' 'your his mother you can't forget his' just reinforce the complete and utter nonsense that kids have no responsibility to be kind and considerate to their family members (assuming of course that it's reciprocated and there is no weirdness or backstory)

Very common behaviour from some men - who are often bougjt up 'not having to bother about these pleasantries- as they are well - 'men' who are so busy being manly that silly things like their mother's birthday is not something they should be expected to remember .. leave that stuff to the wives !

Patriarchal clap trap. He needs telling in simple sentences that it is not acceptable, very hurtful and unkind.

Original poster
Doginthebed · 20/11/2023 13:52

I've had a happy birthday text. No card .Fingers crossed for later .

OP posts:
VanityDiesHard · 20/11/2023 14:01

sesquipedalian · 19/11/2023 21:01

He’s your son - you can’t forget his birthday. Mothers just don’t forget their children’s birthdays. What you can do, though, is remind him of when yours is - up to you whether you want to be direct - “As you often forget my birthday, I just thought I’d remind you this year that it’s on the 24th” - or you could be a little more subtle - “As it’s my birthday on Wednesday, I wondered if you might like to come round for a piece of cake.” Don’t be hard on him for forgetting - some people just do.

Don't be silly. He isn't a child, he is a grown man. I agree that the OP shouldn't pretend to forget, though. She should just say 'since you can't be bothered to acknowledge my birthday, I will no longer acknowledge yours.'

OP, I don't blame you for feeling hurt, I would too in your position. I also wouldn't bother getting him anything on his birthday, either. What a rude, ungrateful brat.

ManateeFair · 20/11/2023 14:02

Rather than being passive aggressive about it and just pretending to forget his birthday to teach him a lesson, have a proper conversation with him about it. Just say 'Look, once again, you've forgotten my birthday, so I'm going to suggest that we stop doing birthdays altogether. Now that you're a grown man, I'm not going to keep buying you presents on your birthday when you don't even acknowledge mine; it's not fair."

Greatfull · 20/11/2023 15:12

Yep. What @ManateeFair said. If there's nothing but a text then you ring him and say right, you've sent me a text for my birthday, I've not had a card or gift. So you've set the standard for what we do as adults for each other's birthdays. From this birthday onwards that's what I'll do for you. And stick to it.

Original poster
Doginthebed · 20/11/2023 17:46

ManateeFair · 20/11/2023 14:02

Rather than being passive aggressive about it and just pretending to forget his birthday to teach him a lesson, have a proper conversation with him about it. Just say 'Look, once again, you've forgotten my birthday, so I'm going to suggest that we stop doing birthdays altogether. Now that you're a grown man, I'm not going to keep buying you presents on your birthday when you don't even acknowledge mine; it's not fair."

I think that's what I'll do . Not has a card .

OP posts:
BrendaMcPherson · 20/11/2023 17:51

I don't understand why an adult would need reminding a week or so in advance of their mother's birthday, as some posters have suggested. As a young child, I knew exactly when my parents' and siblings' birthdays were!

DelphiniumBlue · 20/11/2023 17:59

My 23 YO DS forgot mine, unlike his older brothers who told him off for me!
Mine is the week before his, and I did have thoughts of payback time, but couldn't bring myself not to make his birthday nice ( he is normally away at uni, but came home for his birthday, specifically in order to be made a fuss of).
Both his older brothers forgot mine the first year they were away from home, they reach peak selfishness then, but improve fairly quickly.
So OP, remind him about yours next time, but keep the moral high ground this year, and treat him as you normally would.

HAF1119 · 20/11/2023 18:16

I'd contact him now and ask - just say as you don't normally do my birthday I wanted to check if you want US to do them going forward or if you are not concerned with giving/receiving on birthdays

If you want to not do his as he isn't doing yours I would give him the heads up now just to give him the opportunity to stop being self centred and manage his diary if he wants you to continue gifting/doing a card for him.

Due to finances myself and my parents didn't really do gifts once I was over the age of around 20, we did always remember and do cards. It did not cause me harm at all to stop having presents. If we are able to afford/have time we cook a meal for or take the birthday person out somewhere but we don't gift and it's not harmful

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