What am I doing wrong

[Gettingfedupgrrrr]

Help, I don't seem to get any respect from people.in my life. Ex cheated multiple times. Best friend wants me to listen to all her woes but is intolerant of mine. Sister in law throws microaggressions at me as and when . Mother is is now very elderly manipulates me, although I'm not as easily manipulated now as I was when I was younger.

Has anyone turned themselves around from similar treatment and if so , how? I don't like confrontation but I'm also not a total wet blanket either . It seems to be that when I try and challenge these types of things I always come off the worse for it.

Tips and advice welcome.

well, that's difficult. I feel like I am similar to you in some ways and I genuinely think that I attract that sort of people in my life, good energy suckers. I tried to cut the ties with them now. Have been cheated on multiple times too. But met a man who is loyal and loves me (finally). I am lucky that my family doesn't take advantage of my character. My only advice would be to stop being friends with people who don't make you feel good when you're around them... Family is more tricky but maybe a decent conversation would help.. Sorry, it's not much of help I think.. Just wanted to say that you are not alone!

Thank you for replying. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but at least we are not alone! I know I need to change something about my behaviour/mindset or whatever ...but don't seem to be able to successfully.

My ex did such a good job on me I have been single for nearly 20 years, scared of sinking that low again. I like my own company thankfully but it nearly destroyed me mentally.

As for family and friends its horrible to be so utterly useless at setting boundaries and just standing up for myself! 🙄

You're not alone. All my life ive felt "walked over" unable to stand up for myself. I feel once people realise I'm a pushover they take advantage of it. I found myself behaving a certain way or doing things to please others and not myself.

When I reached 30 I decided enough was enough and cut everyone who made me feel this way from my life. I now only have a very small circle but overall I'm much happier. I met a lovely man who i trust completely and we have a beautiful son, I see my mum most days and this is all I need. I made a few mum friends after having my son but I keep them at arms length, as already feel they talk down to me. Maybe I'm oversensitive. I've always found it hard to fit in anywhere.

Because you obviously let yourself be disrespected more than once.

Nobody should be allowed to cheat on you multiple times (unless you didn't know). Anyone being aggressive towards me would see me once, and once only. Family or not.

There is a lot of fear about then cutting off family and friends but I find setting a firm boundary the first time something happens encourages the other person to change their behaviour.

Stop being a door mat. Don't put yourself in situations where you're being disrespected more than once.

It also means you don't have to confront anyone but you're also removing yourself from these situations.

Also, your best friend isnt your best friend. They sound like a user and ultimately sound like they don't like you very much if they do want to hear about your life.

Expect better for yourself.

Sorry slow to respond been floored by the flu. Thanks for the responses. Hotcandle your 'expect better for yourself' resonated...I just don't, I'm always thinking of someone else and how they will feel about me not the other way round. I have removed myself from situations but sometimes that isn't always possible. I just wonder how people with more self assurance and confidence manage it without creating drama.

As an example my sil turned away and started a conversation with someone else as I was speaking to her. I really love my brother and I know it would benefit my sil to create disharmony between him and I, so I didn't react, but I want to subtly and effectively make a point.

I used to get walked over a LOT, now I don't. Here are some confrontation-free things I have learned (through therapy, a support group and reading and reflecting on myself and my relationships with others). Hope some of them help you:

1. I identified that I was a people pleaser and overly concerned with what other people thought of me, and being a 'good person'. Taken to extremes, this would lead me to agree to things I didn't really want to do, or allow other people to take advantage of me, because I didn't want them to think badly of me. In fact, people respect people who have self-respect and stand up for themselves.
2. I was too timid to voice my own wants and needs. (Or sometimes I couldn't even identify what my own wants and needs were!). For example, if I had a friend who talked on and on about herself, but never asked about me, I would feel resentful, but keep it inside. Over time this led me to become more and more resentful and moody. Now, I wouldn't accuse the friend, but I would (and do!) gently but firmly place myself and my life in the conversation too, and if I need help I ask her for it clearly - I don't just hope she'll pick up on my mood and notice for herself.
3. I did not have high enough self-esteem to set firm boundaries. This led me to ignore clear red flags in romantic relationships, or allow myself to be pushed around. Now, I set out my boundaries clearly and firmly, when it's appropriate to do so. For example, I was dating a guy who was an 'evening' person. He liked us to eat a big, long dinner very late (about 9pm) then stay up late, he was rarely up and about before 10am (freelance artistic type). I am NOT an evening person; I get up at 5am every day to go running, I like to eat my bigggest meals in the morning/noon and very lightly thereafter, it's just the way my circadian rhythms work, it's how I've always been. In my old days I would have tried to change my schedule to meet his preferences and probably ended up exhausted, bloated and underslept. But now, after realising that this was his typical 'schedule', I gently and humourously explained mine and we agreed to meet in the middle (long park walks and afternoon excursions).

All of that to say, that setting boundaries and not being walked over starts with YOURSELF.

YOU need to identify within YOU what your vulnerabilities are, and most importantly, get to know and be comfortable with your own preferences and boundaries and how to voice them.

Confrontations are NOT required. People respect people who state what they want and need in a calm and confident way. A compromise is always possible.

I have found that 'Codependent No More' by Melodie Beatty is an invaluable book for anyone struggling with the types of things you're struggling with. There's a reason why so many good therapists recommend it.

OP I notice you say this about yourself:

I'm always thinking of someone else and how they will feel about me not the other way round

I think this is key. Without knowing the details it’s hard really to know for sure but it sounds like you are someone who centres other people too much in your life and puts their needs before your own. You sound like a bit of a people pleaser and people pleasers are often taken advantage of.

This is not uncommon particularly among women as we are mostly socialised to be like this growing up. What was your parents’ relationship like? Did you subconsciously learn that it was your role to facilitate and support everyone and put your needs last?

Its an act of will but ultimately kindness to yourself to try to learn that if you constantly prioritise other people’s needs and feelings over your own you are giving them a green light to use you. That doesn’t mean being unkind or ignoring other people’s feelings but it means understanding you have needs too and learning to advocate for yourself.

I think you would benefit from counselling as these attitudes are very deeply embedded.

The wonderful thing about getting older is how little you worry about what other people think about you.

Because you realise they aren’t thinking about you, they’re caught up in the crap that’s in their own heads.

Deciding not to care how you come across to others is one of the most powerful gifts you can give yourself.

Ladybevvy, you've hit the nail on the head, this is me all over. Thankyou for the detailed post, advice and book recommendation, I will check it out.

Thepeopleversuswork, I am a people pleaser and although I have challenged this about myself by not doing what others want, I find it hard to cope with the fallout and downside of this too. I have maybe let things go for so long I've over reacted when I tried to address things. My mum was/is a people pleaser and has imbeded this into all her daughters especially. It has been an incredibly frustrating aspect of our lives, being forced to do and say the 'right' thing and not to upset others despite their treatment of us. My father would probably have been less inclined to be this way but sadly died when we were children, so our mum was our biggest influence.

Katburglar I am late 50s so still waiting for that dgaf attitude to arrive!🙄

In saying all this I don't necessarily believe I'm a hopeless case, I just need better skills at dealing with things. I am recently retired and getting out of the firing line of a very stressful work environment has helped me see alot of my issues, instead of sidelining them because I didn't have the energy or time to address them. I think I'm just fed up with how I was and am treated and i am impatient to just be better.

Thank you all.