Partner doesn’t help

[Bilbobagg1ns]

I just want to know if this is normal or if I’m an absolute mug and 100% shouldn’t have another child with this man.

My DH works full time four days a week, two days are almost 12 hour days. Does minimal house stuff, might do things if I ask, sometimes actually refuses to help. Regularly sends DD to bed coz she was “being annoying”, then gets in a huff and doesn’t help at all with bedtime. He does cook us lovely food sometimes but makes an absolute shit tip of the kitchen for me to clean.

I work 9 ish hour days, five days a week, make more money and have always been good at saving. I like my house clean so do all of that, put laundry away, sort lunches, dishwasher etc etc. I do all the driving, he contributes nothing to that, I sort all the bills etc. He does do drop off and pick up since I’ve started my new job but I’ve done it years previous.

is this all men? I genuinely want to know what other relationships are like. I look at other dads who are so involved and don’t get stressy/ wash up their own cups and I’m like wow!!!!!

Am I completely brainwashed? My dad was abit like this but earnt good money and paid for everything. I’m paying 50/50, sometimes more due to car and food shopping. Both work FT.

YANBU - you need to get outta there sis
YABU - we all work hard and are tired and you might expect too much

No, not all men are like this. Me and my DH both work full time and both share household stuff, looking after the children and the mental load. The children belong to both of you, as does the house so you have shared responsibilities. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Tbh it’s a discussion we have had many times and once I even went absolutely mental swearing at him in the street saying that I need him to help me. It improves for a couple of months and then the same.

I wouldn't frame it as 'helping'. I can help someone do a task that's their responsibility. The household tasks are not your responsibility. They should be shared between the two of you. He's taking advantage of you and being selfish, since he gets to grab more free time for himself at your expense.

Any time I read my partner doesn’t ‘help’ it makes me so cross. Partners don’t help. They share responsibility for everything. When you say he works FT but 4 days a week, what does he do on the 5th day? How old are the kids?

He has 3 days off, one day we do something together but usually we have to wait for him to wake up… sometimes he wakes up grumpy.
the other two days are drop off and pick up and usually nothing the whole day. He might cook tea but will only do stuff when I start doing it and ask for help.
At this point I do feel like I’d be better off single, harder in some ways but less actual work.

I think the 4 days Vs 5 at work thing on here when people are complaining about their husband is usually a red herring because it's usually the husband is working 4 days is working longer days/longer shifts (such as 12 hour shifts) which that's often overlooked by posters when replying. I often think people put it in to try and tip the scales when in reality both people are working comparable hours over the weem.

His work pattern here is irrelevant.

He isn't pulling his weight whether he works 4 longer days or 5. He's not doing what he needs to around the house.

Do you want to spend your life endlessly managing a manchild who is weaponising incompetence?

There's a lot of threads where posters say that the mental load decreases when they're running their own household without the dead weight of managing a spouse-child.

No not all men.

My DH and I have an equal partnership. We both parent, we both look after the house, we share our money, we both work.

My parents were the same. My sisters have married decent men too.

So is this simply a man’s character and I’m foolish to expect any change? In my heart I know the answer and that I have given up… the last time when I went abit mental seems like the last ditch attempt of my brain trying to salvage this relationship. I asked him yesterday if he wants us to go and live somewhere coz he was so vile in the morning… one night I tried to go to sleep and the night before I must have snored and he said if I snore again he’s going to punch me in the head… not in a jokey tone either. I was so nackered I went and slept in my daughters room and cried.

I don’t know whether I need to get therapy or just the balls to leave.

Definitely not all men. I've always earned more but he's always done way more housework, laundry and grocery shopping than me. He was a SAHD when the children were little too and so did loads with them and really enjoyed it.

What does he actually bring to your life?

My concern is that he ‘refuses to help’ and sends DD to bed when she’s being annoying and gets in a huff, these would be red flags to me but the general housework side of things, yeah fairly normal but then I don’t have a hubby that expects me to work full time and would happily pay for a cleaner if I asked.

Oh my word, read your further posts, get the hell out of there, sorry for you for ending up with such a person, hopefully will meet someone better next time

I don’t know whether I need to get therapy or just the balls to leave
The second in my opinion.

You are not responsible for a man's behaviour, nor his choice to treat you badly, nor his refusal to pull his weight.

If you think having therapy would help you realise your worth then do both, have therapy, realise your worth, then leave.

I honestly don’t know… he never looks happy to spend time with me or asks me about my day… buys me anything… even a cuddle is always initiated by me.

This sounds miserable, OP. You sound lovely and deserve so much more, even if that’s just a house that doesn’t have this lazy misery guts in it.

Please leave.

Aw. You deserve better than this. He is being a lazy, miserable A hole and putting it all on you.
What does he bring to the party? X

He doesn't like a team player at all. What exactly is his contribution to your family set up? You earn more and do all the grunt work, what does he do?

Thank you all for your kind replies xx

Thank god you aren't married to this loser.
Shit partner, shit father.
His threats to assault you over snoring are not funny.

For goodness sake do not inflict him on another child.

Typical shit father sending a child up to bed for no reason just to get rid of them.

Poor mite.

Get yourself organised and for goodness sake do not get pregnant with this selfish loser.

No I wouldn't put up with this. He'd be gone.

He's not adding any value to your life is he.

Yes op, in answer to one of your points, yes you would be much much better off single.

Amd to address another of your points 'are all men like this?' If they were, would that then make it alright to put up with an absolutely shit shit relationship for? You wrote it as if the choice was between your shit bloke and another shit bloke. Why wouldn't you just be single?