To ask how to deal with a narcissistic relative?

[yogaoga]

Can’t stop contact with them completely but they are very difficult to deal with and thrive off drama, then pretend they never wanted drama / other people are sensitive. They deflect all of their own horrible behaviour and accuse others of doing the same thing. The victim complex is next level and they are so sure that they are not the problem, but everybody else in their life is

There is no winning with them and even doing simple amicable things is impossible as they have such a high, inflated sense of self worth

How do you deal with this sort of person? They cause me stress & another relative who is also dealing with them lots of drama and very high blood pressure.

Bump

Don't block, but don't go out of your way to contact them or meet up with them. Keep them at arm's length.

Be amicable but don't ask for details or explanations of the latest drama when they contact you. Keep it non-committal.

If you can't go no contact at least go low contact. Grey rock them . Be boring. Don't take the initiative.

Three options really:

1. Grey rock - personally I see this as a temporary arrangement rather than a long term strategy as it's a lot of energy to modify your behaviour like that. www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-gray-rock-your-difficult-family-members-or-co-parents/

1. Low contact - minimise your interactions with them. This can make grey rock easier as you don't have to do it so frequently. Obviously this option isn't always practical eg if you live with them, but it can be a good middle ground. I do this to great effect with my mother, and actually over the years it's helped calm down her bad behaviour a bit. I think because it means my father also doesn't get to see us as much he has actually challenged her behaviour a bit so we'll go round a bit more.

1. No contact. Nuclear option (often suggested on MN for arbitrary reasons eg MIL looked at you wrong one day!) it's the best option in terms of it cuts them out of your life completely but can also come at a high price, for instance if the problem person is part of your main friendship group you would probably have to give up all those friends to genuinely go no contact.

There is no dealing with them, you know this, so you have two choices, one of which you claim you can't do. Since you won't go no contact, your only option is to engage with them as little as humanly possible. Unless it is absolutely unavoidable, do not speak to them. Send any pertinent info via email or text. Do not engage in conversation outside of ones that are completely necessary. See them as little as possible. If you're at a relatives home and they arrive, leave as quick as you can. No going out together, never invite them to your home. Take them off of your social media or at the very least mute them so they can't see your posts.

They more try to start drama with me

Oh the irony!

What do you mean?

Why can’t you cut them off if they cause so much discord?

As that would mean cutting off other family members too.

If they try to start a fight with you just grey rock them and don't pander to them.

Possibly they meant you bumped it after 18 minutes. Generally, most people would probably wait a few hours, or even to the next day before they bumped a thread back up if there were no replies. 18 minutes comes across as maybe a bit needy - hence it being ironic that you are asking for help to deal with a difficult relative but can't even wait 20 minutes for a reply.

Or they might not have meant that.

But thats my guess.

Ahh I see I’m just impatient but totally makes sense now you’ve explained it. I can see why it looks silly! Thank you. Appreciate that.

open.spotify.com/episode/0qBVvdDNPe8vsogwc788e0?si=CebbeVpZR5m9FsXj3O-DNw

It's not an answer to your question, but this is a really really interesting discussion about narcissism.

You could be describing my close relative. I tried to manage their behaviour for years, at the expense of myself, but I realised (after a good talking to by Billy1966 on here) that I was impacting on my DH & DCmhy allowing this person to treat me like an emotional punchbag. Plus she did something that was diabolical just before my wedding and I just said no more.

There isn't much you can do with this type of person but starve them of the drama oxygen they thrive on. I have nothing to do with her now and life has been so much better. I still see her direct family members by organising and inviting them to specific things directly. Other strategies just don't work as this kind of person relies on people fulfilling their need for attention and control.

The advice here to grey rock, refuseto engage with the drama etc is good.

If you provide a bit more context and details peoplemighy be able to offer more specific or tailored advice. Eg "our" narcissist, we grey Rick, and I have also blocked him. I don't engage on family WhatsApp groups he is in. I have been able to impose my own specific boundaries such as he is not welcome in my house and I will only attend certain bigger events if he is there.

But I would have to have different guidelines if he was, for example, a "closer" relative.

Grey rock works if you can go no contact; if its not an option then the alternative is to unhook yourself from their drama;

''Emotionally unhook yourself, observe like a curious scientist.
When engaging with them and you begin to notice you are feeling that agitated, anxious, frightened, unsafe inner state, you can be sure that they are applying one of the manipulation tactics.
So now is the time for you to pause, and begin observing. Ask yourself which of the tactics it might be, and watch them go at it.'

''Stop explaining yourself.
Start using non-defensive statements. This is similar to stopping the endless explanations, in that your mindset must be in that same place of seeking to unhook and disengage with the games.
Be bland, non-defensive and non committal.''

https://narcwise.com/2018/01/20/break-free-from-abuse-by-emotionally-unhooking-starving-the-narcissist-heres-how/

You can also learn to predict their next move, so that you are emotionally prepared. Google the 'karpman drama triangle' - Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer'. Observe them instead of getting drawn in yourself.

Is this someone you have to see in person or just respond to in writing like in group chats?

If it's the latter then maybe just adding a slightly sad face emotion to every message might be enough to both empathise (and thereby not estrange the other relative they're attached to that you don't want to offend) and not get involved.

If it's in person then I agree with previous posters. Polite small talk only is the way to go. Always give the minimal pleasantries to not be rude, and divert as many conversations as you can to the weather, the latest family good news or something else relatively neutral and pleasant and definitely not personal to the person whose drama you are avoiding.

In person.

They wouldn’t engage with small talk, they’d blank me or just stare at me. It’s quite sinister really and designed to unnerve, and it works

It's almost like you're describing my cousin. Knows everything about nothing, has every condition under the sun, has an opinion about everything, loves to stir up arguments and debates, tells outrageous lies without batting an eyelid, insults you but in such a way that you struggle to explain why it's insulting, spreads gossip and rumours and has scathing opinions about everyone...

Be as boring as you can. Don't contact them. Do not ever give an opinion, simply say, "Maybe," or, "I don't know," to everything. Don't make them comfortable in your house if they come over - don't offer a brew and continue doing whatever you were doing when they arrived. Don't feel guilty for being rude if they're rude to you. Don't commit to plans and avoid explaining why you're busy if they're likely to try and talk you round.

I have extensive experience in dealing with this. In short, my advice is "don't"
I get that this isn't always possible. As others have suggested, not taking part in the games, not reacting to provocation and being as uninteresting as possible should help. Don't become involved in gossip either with this person or about them. Stay away from any form of drama.

Be right quietly - you have no need to correct them when they are wrong, actively have nothing to prove. Give no f*cks about their thoughts and opinions.
Crucially, when they are charming and lovely, when other family members are having a lovely time with them, don't be jealous or tempted to give them another chance. These lovely times come at a cost which you are not willing to pay.

All the best with your peaceful stress and drama free life

In that case OP you need to tell the other relative you don't want to offend that this person does this when you talk in normal polite conversation and that that's why you're going no contact.

I don't think you have to put up with this for someone else's sake. They need to respect your boundaries enough to understand that you don't have to deal with this. If they don't, I would cut both relatives out. Is it one of your children and that's why you're reluctant to do this?

Do they blank you and stare at you when others are there? Don't the other people notice.

Yeah they do. She’s become bolder with it, some of them have noticed and challenged her now but then she just starts doing it to them. Shes not bothered