Am I just really lacking in resilience? How do I make things feel easier?

[FeelingOverwhemed]

I'm feeling generally overwhelmed with life at the moment and wondering whether I'm just a bit pathetic and need to get a grip, or if I've missed some kind of trick to make life easier.

Im late 30s, 2 kids young primary age, work 4 days a week as a teacher with leadership role. DH and I share most things so I'm not bearing the mental/physical load beyond drop offs and pick ups which makes more logistical sense for me to do. Pretty standard working parent life.
My dad is terminally ill with a degenerative disease and is in the final (not terminal yet) stages. My sibling and I have been spending every weekend providing care to give my mum respite - so I'm working 4 days, with the kids most of my day off (we have half day Fridays here) and then caring one day of a weekend. This has been going on for about a year. My relationship with my mum is ok but tense. She is understandably finding the caring hard and can be quite mean and snappy with me and my sibling.
My aibu I guess is aibu to feel like I'm not coping? I am ok on the face of it in that I work, and socialise and go to the gym, and do the birthday parties and stuff but I feel like I'm drowning. I'm not sleeping properly and I just feel like crying all the time. I spend the weekend worrying about going back to work and meeting all the deadlines there, and the end of the week dreading the weekend and going to provide care (I realise how selfish I'm being).

Sorry I know that was long. I just wonder if I need to toughen up and just get on with it, or if there's some way I can make things easier that I've missed? I just feel very overwhelmed with people needing me all the time at work and home and I feel trapped in this cycle. And also very tired!!

Each one of those stresses seem pretty difficult to cope with. You are more than entitled to feel rough with all of them.

Do work know about your Dad and your caring role?

Please try to have a little self compassion. Read your own post back. It would be extremely tough for anyone to handle your current life on a permanent basis. So no YANBU at all. How to ease situation is hard though. Teaching plus management = high workload, stress. Can you delegate more at work, reduce to three days or get more support staff to help you? I know the answer is probably not though (no money etc).

I think although your DM is having to cope with a terrible situationit might help if you and/or your sister can have a gentle but firm chat with her about how you all support your DD. She might not realise the impact she is having on you and if she could ‘hear’ you however uncomfortable for her, maybe she would be more conscious and kinder in her interaction with you.

Do you have/could you afford support at home: cleaner, ironer, gardener etc? Can you make sure to have one night a week with DH going out doing something uplifting to break the monotony and give you some happy times?

Great you are keeping up with exercise those, must be hard but will surely help. Have you got good morning and evening routines to streamline jobs and include a bit of self care however short? If regular at least you are looking after yourself and valuing your own care too.

This time will pass but in the meantime I hope you can create little pockets of rest, happiness with your DH and DC, friends and family however small.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. That is a lot for anybody to be dealing with. I've been in a similar position on and off, and there are times when I've coped with it better and times when my mental health has been just kinda trashed in the gutter over it - and of course beating myself up for not coping better because other people cope with worse.

Everybody needs time off, and you're not getting any.

Can you/ the family book some carers to do some respite caring so that you're not doing that every weekend as well as all of your other responsibilities?

Can you talk to work about getting some carers leave or compassionate leave? Lots of organisations are getting more switched on to this being a real need.

Can you buy in help for home - meal prep/delivery, get a cleaner, can one of your friends or your children's friends have them overnight once a week so that you get some time to just slump on the sofa and cry/sleep extra/ just not have people needing stuff from you for a few hours?

Or, this sounds frivolous, but is a weekly massage, or meditation class or art class something that you can make a non-negotiable thing that you get 2 hours to yourself to decompress and do only something that resources you? Even if it's "every Monday night after work I go to a coffee shop for two hours with a nice book while DH does the kids".

When life is demanding a lot of you and it just is a bit overwhelming and shit, that's when you need to be putting more things in that fill your tank/resource you - the age old adage that you really can't pour from an empty cup. And yes I know, trust me I really know that this is the time when you feel least able to find the time to do the things that bring you relaxation and pleasure, I really do get it. But when you're at breaking point (and I've been there - feeling like you're just going to cry all the time IS breaking point), you either need to find ways to lighten the load, or ways to fill your tank. Or for preference, both.

xxx

sound like you have burnout

it is a medical diagnosis, physical and mental

i had mental which turned in to a emotional breakdown(new term for nervous breakdown)

Hang on, so you're supporting your DM to give HER a break but you're not actually getting a break yourself as a result. Plus this time away from your husband and DC is presumably detrimental to your relationship with them.

I'd advise you do one Saturday a month, your sister does another Saturday a month. Which gives your mum one day off a fortnight.

You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm . Your dad is not in the final stages of his illness, and without wishing him ill, could you continue on like this for another few years?

Who says you’re lacking in resilience? That all sounds very hard, you’re showing up, fulfilling lots of roles. Be kinder to yourself

Your dad dying with something very debilitating isn't like an everyday problem - I wouldn't expect many people to be able to deal with that without feeling anxious and exhausted. @Grimchmas has some good suggestions.

Thank you for these nice replies - I was a bit worried I'd read lots of "that's life in your thirties, toughen up!".

There are some useful things to think about here.

Time for myself/with DH - our kids do an activity once a week together for about 2 hours. Usually DH does his distance learning then and I read or do housework but last week we went for a drink together! Just a glass of wine and a diet coke but it was nice and is a habit I may try and continue!

Work is complicated but maybe something I do need to look at. My normal hours are actually 3 days a week - the 4th day and leadership is a temporary move, and one that I kind of created by asking my HT if I could do something! My direct line manager does know about my dad but I don't think anyone else does at work. It is something to think about, dropping hours or taking leave but it feels like a last resort and I worry what work would think of me, or that I'd never get my leadership opportunity again.

Cleaner is something that might free up time for my own household! Worth a thought. Respite care is complex - my mum is adamant that she wants nothing beyond the NHS care package so she will need some convincing. Maybe my brother and I can do that when we're here together one weekend.

Thank you for listening 🙏 even just knowing others have been there/it's not just me being a bit weak is helpful!!

OP don't be hard on yourself, and don't underestimate the impact of your dad's situation. I generally manage my work/life balance in my stride as I'm lucky to have a flexible job that isn't too stressful and support, my dad was in an accident last month and despite the fact he had others around him bearing the brunt of the support (I don't live close), and it was temporary, it really knocked me how much it impacted my mental stability. Even if something is controlled as far as it can be, it doesn't mean it doesn't bear a weight on you.

Of course you are overwhelmed. It's brutal. Personally I am impressed you are continuing with gym/socialising.
For me, that is what dropped (especially the exercise). I am so fed up with forcing myself to do things that I couldn't stand yet another thing to fit into the schedule. I go for a run about once a week on average, and go out for dinner with girlfriends about once every 3 weeks, that's it. Also, don't watch any TV etc in the week, as once the kids are in bed I am doing life admin and trying to get on top of my work whilst DH does advance cooking.
Life is not very joyful for us, I would say.

I've just read your post back:

What do you currently do with that Friday morning? Could that be the pocket of time that you carve out for resourcing yourself - book a weekly Indian head massage, switch off the phone and do some yoga or go out for brunch with a good book?

I'm guessing you're probably running around cleaning and putting on loads of washing and "catching up" with life stuff. If you got a cleaner in (the day before preferably while you're out!) or got your DH to carry more of the load in your household (if he has any capacity), it seems like an ideal block of time to carve out for you.

The other analogy I'd like to reference is that when you're juggling too many balls, it's important to work out which ones are glass and which ones are rubber. There are some things that you can't drop because they are glass and will break, and there are others which if you drop them nothing bad will happen. Sometimes when you look closely the glass ones are from poundland and 20 years old, and it just doesn't matter enough if they get dropped and broken.

What can you drop or lower your standards of? Do the beds really need to be changed every week, or can they go two weeks or more? What's the consequence if the hoovering doesn't get done as often? Does it really matter if one night a week is beans on toast, another is beige freezer food and another is ready meals? And if you stick to the same meal plan of easy food that everybody eats for a few weeks in a row because you don't have the brain juice to shop for and cook interesting and new stuff? Does it really matter if one night a week the kids get a "special" night of chicken nuggets and crisps and screens in their bedroom all evening while you and DH get a glass of wine in front of Netflix? Lower your standards, if you can. It won't be for forever.

@KnittingKnewbie I know, I'm not sure how sustainable it is but every time my brother and I try and cut down our visits it's just not met well and ends up feeling like it's not worth it. I have no idea how long my dad has left. I didn't think it would be as long as this tbh.

@Grimchmas I actually already do take Fri morning for myself 😳 I usually do all the house jobs before the school drop off so change beds/clean the bathroom/do a wash, and then when the kids are at school I meet friends for breakfast most weeks.

Lots of helpful suggestions which I will look at - I guess my issue is I already take quite a lot of time for myself in that I go to the gym, meet friends on that Friday morning...and I still feel like shit! 😂🤦‍♀️

A pp hit the nail on the head when they said life feels like there's not much joy. That's how I feel, I guess I need to reframe my thinking and try and find the joy in the little moments I do have for myself, and enjoy my kids and DH.

Sometimes time to yourself means time to stop rather than filling that time with things that may be good in themselves, but when do you actually rest? Rest is important - time to down and not engage with anyone, or have any requirements or expectations. A cup of tea and a book or mindless tv or a craft type thing let’s your brain process things in the background and let’s your body physically rest.

I'm not sure one morning a week is a lot of time to yourself, really? Not when you are also not necessarily getting that much family time or time just to chill with your partner either.

It sounds like in a way you feel under pressure at work because of the situation of being given new responsibilities etc, as well? So you're under pressure at work, and have a difficult situation caring for your dad, plus two young children you want to be present for...

I think that's a lot, and this situation isn't sustainable long term. I think you probably need to have an honest chat with your mum about how much caring you can do, and perhaps drop it down to every other week, or perhaps just a morning rather than a full day.

Could you, for example, go away for a weekend (either on your own or with your family) to force the issue of not being available every weekend?

@Jellycatspyjamas yes true, time to just be and do nothing is important. I'm not sure how much of that any parent gets though!

@Postapocalypticcowgirl you're not wrong, it is unsustainable and I do worry. I should make more effort to take a weekend off now and then. Not to drip feed but there are also issues on DH side of the family with relatives who have died, moved back from abroad/need care so some of the weekends I have "off" are because he's away seeing his family. But I'm sure we can build in something as a family, or I can try and go away with a friend for a night.

It is certainly a juggle!!