To consider not taking a child to his sibling's party?

[LuvSmallDogs]

Hi

DS3 is going to be 5 soon, and is looking forward to his first proper party. We've put a deposit down with our local soft play for an in-session party. I talk to one mum from his class and nod/say hi to a few others but that's it so far.

He has two older brothers. DS1 just scrapes the height limit (which doesn't appear to be enforced anyway) and is interested in going even though the guests will be reception kids. That's lovely, he might even be helpful depending on his mood!

DS2 is autistic and has pica. He has attended the soft play before for general play and it was quite hard to manage. He finds it hard in "cafe" situations when others have food but not him (yet). If we're at a cafe, we arrange for one of us to take him for a walk and whoever stays sends a text when the food comes. He has been known to go for food and drink on other tables full of strangers. He will try to eat off the floor. He will probably want to grab the birthday cake while it is on display.

DS2 isn't hot on personal space. He sometimes takes a shine to someone and wants to touch/hug/sniff them out of nowhere. This can be scary for children half his size.

If DS2 comes, he will need one of us to just be with him. He could well have a meltdown over food/cake that he can see but isn't for him right that second. There's a decent chance he won't enjoy it much (due to having some of his behaviour foiled by us) and will upset DS1's friends with the personal space thing.

I want DS3's party to be about him, his friends, and hopefully me being able to meet parents of his friends for future meet ups.

I feel like a bad mum but I don't think DS2 coming will be very good for him or DS3.

AIBU?

You sound like a lovely mum. As long as DS2 doesn’t pick up on being excluded and can instead do something else which he will enjoy, I think I would probably leave him out of it so that you can enjoy focussing on DS3

As you know, it is so hard for the siblings of disabled kids even in day-to-day life.

As it is DS3's birthday, in my opinion this is exactly the occasion when he should be able to have what a whole 2-3 hours all about him. Why shouldn't he? That's what birthdays are all about. It is a celebration of him, not a challenge to supervise his brother.

I wouldn't feel bad about it at all. It sounds like it would be stressful for ds2 anyway and even if it wasn't, you and your birthday child deserve to enjoy themselves.

You're not being a bad mum at all. You're just thinking about what will be best and most enjoyable for both DS2 and DS3.

You sound a lovely mum and I agree with you. Do something special instead with ds2 instead. Hope they both have a lovely day

it absolutely sounds like the right thing for Dc2 to be taken care of somewhere else whilst the party takes place. Then do something lovely altogether

Agreed. Let DS3 have his party with his friends. DS1 & 2 stay home. And then have family fun altogether later on at home.

it sounds like a great idea. Taking anything else out of it, it's completely normal for not all siblings to go/want to go to each other's parties - whether because the age range is too big, they just aren't interested, don't meet the height requirements or just (when they move beyond all class parties and just have a few good friends) because it's too expensive!

You sound like an amazing and caring Mum. You are doing the right thing.

As a parent, your job is to manage the respective needs of your children in the fairest way possible.

"Fairness" doesn't always mean complete equality. You don't always need to include everyone in every activity, especially when it will make it less enjoyable for all involved.

Since this is your DC3's party, the focus should be on him and what will make it most enjoyable for him and his friends. I am guessing that DC1 and 3 already miss out somewhat compared to others of their age due to your attention being diverted to meet your DC2's needs - this is fine, it is the nature of families that attention needs to be given to those who need it most at the moment. But you should definitely take this opportunity to focus on DC3 (and to a lesser extent, DC1) so long as it can be managed sensitively so that DC2 doesn't feel like he is missing out (a special trip or activity for him with family, for example).

Thanks guys. The lads and I are visiting with the folks and my sisters today and I had a whispered conversation with my mum for her opinion on the matter.

She told me that she'd already thought it would be best for DS2 not to be at the party, and she was hoping that dad and her could have some quality time with him so that DH and I can both be with DS3 (DH had been prepared to stay with DS2, as he is socially anxious and hated the idea of hosting the party/chatting to parents by himself).

DS3's party is the day before his actual birthday, so the day after the party we will be doing family presents, a smaller cake and balloons which DS2 will be a part of (he loooves balloons, he will be getting some from Santa lol).

I am aware of what it's like to be the sibling of someone with special needs, my DSis2 has special needs - not autism, something less understood and rarer. It was hard. My mum took me aside as an adult and apologised to me for not being there for me enough when I was going through severe bullying at the same time my sister's diagnosis was up in the air.

I often didn't have siblings at parties once they were school age. Partially because mine are reasonably spread out age wise, and they have very different interests. It means that you can concentrate on the one whose birthday it is, and the other dc can have a fun time with the other parent (me and dh varied who did which).

What I would make sure though, is that dc1 (and dc2 if that is right for him too) gets the same. Don't get into the dc3 must have it just him, but the other two don't need it because that's when it can cause resentment.

Your parents sound great.

It’s normal to not have siblings depending on circumstances. I would have had DS at DD’s from age 5. It sounds lovely that you Mum is going to have quality time with him. Everyone’s a winner.

Would not have had….