To wonder what is wrong with me?

[meanttosse]

I'm 33 years old, I have my life together. I have a career, a daughter, amazing and strong friendships, a lovely home etc. I'm pretty content and fulfilled but every once in a while I think it would be nice to meet someone that I can build a future with. And so I try. However, every single time without fail I self sabotage. This only ever happens in romantic relationships.

95 percent of the time I am very happy, but as soon as I start dating anyone where I could see it going anywhere, my mental health spirals. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything but them. No matter how much I say I'm not going to do that this time, it happens.

I have been dating a guy for a few months and things were going great until I drank last weekend and accused him of being gay (!?). This was not even in my conscious thoughts so I have no idea where it came from. I apologised profusely but I can tell it has strained things and quite rightly so. And I'm just so fed up of this predictable cycle.

I almost wonder if I should give up altogether. I have done therapy, I do inner child meditation. I have had a lot of trauma growing up but why have I managed to have a functional and fairy normal life otherwise but I'm such a fuck up romantically?

Bump

If your parents had a dysfunctional relationship then subconsciously, you are trying to protect your self from repeating their mistakes and all the pain it caused.

You are NOT your parents.

Just relax and let relationships happen
(No wild accusations after 2 months)

If this is an ingrained pattern and you have a dysfunctional family background I would find a therapist who can help you break this habit OP. I know it's a bit of a MN trope to recommend therapy, but some things are so deeply ingrained in us that it can really help to have an expect tease out the reasons why we behave the way we do and help to break the cycle of repeated self-sabotaging behaviour. I doubt there is anything 'wrong' with you, but a lot of people self-sabotage - some people do it with work, others with relationships.

You may need more therapy - have you asked and answered this question in your therapy to date?

No I haven't

I think the problem is alcohol x

Yes agree with above, not to be flippant but alcohol for many is a “trigger” or a risky game when it comes down to it. I’ve had to cut it out entirely because it takes shockingly little for me to behave like a person I don’t even know, and wouldn’t want to know.