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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did the right thing?

21 replies

lisavee · 18/11/2023 16:58

Met a man at an event, went on a first date - few drinks. Was really enjoyable. Lots of chemistry and flirting. We live 1 hour and 10 minute drive away. So I travelled into city centre - 45 mins for me and 25 for him.

Speaking since then and arranged another date. He had suggested I come to his house and he will cook and we will have drinks. I said I wasn't comfortable with that at this stage, he has two dogs who he claims are unable to stay in the house alone and that he couldn't get a sitter. We had a chat and I put it out on the table that there would be no sex etc and he seemed fine with this. He agreed to collect me from city centre and my lovely friend said she would drive to get me at 11 pm so I didn't have to stay overnight. All sorted.

We have been texting normally in week then yesterday I get a message from him 'right change of plans tomorrow' he said he would instead just meet me in city centre for a few drinks. I asked if he had someone to watch dogs and he replied that he didn't but that they should be fine for a few hours. Fine.

I text today saying I wouldn't be able to get earlier than 7 pm train as I was working. He said bit late for the dogs but that's fine. He then text saying he isn't drinking and is just going to drive so he can get back to the dogs.

I asked him if he wants to just reschedule as a lot of last minute changes and it is a weekend without my daughter and I'd like to have a drink and feel we are on different vibes. He replied 'what do you mean were on different vibes' then asked if I would prefer a night out next weekend.

I am so tired and currently sat in my jammies chilling after a long day at work and honestly feel quite relieved. I just wonder if I've been really difficult? I mean what is the big deal if he drives and doesn't drink? I guess I just wanted to get a bit tipsy and let loose and it changed the vibes.

Also these dogs, I understand that dogs are a huge responsibility but I have two dogs, a child, two jobs and a full time placement for my masters and I still manage.

AIBU? I haven't replied to his latest message about next weekend as I have my daughter so will be with her. I just feel like it's all too hard work for a second date.

I'm 31, he is 33.

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 18/11/2023 17:02

You both were up for different things.

You wanted to cut loose a little bit and he felt uncomfortable about leaving the dogs for too long and driving would have been quicker and more reliable but then he couldn't drink.

It doesn't sound like you'll each be the great love of each others lives so I would let him go and look nearer to home.

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:03

We had a chat and I put it out on the table that there would be no sex etc and he seemed fine with this.

and they say romance is dead

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:04

this really doesn’t remotely sound as thought it’s got legs OP

its already running out of steam after one date!!

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:05

Also these dogs, I understand that dogs are a huge responsibility but I have two dogs, a child, two jobs and a full time placement for my masters and I still manage.

So don’t waste your time on someone you’re not fussed about and neither is he

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:05

how on earth do you have TWO jobs AND a full time masters placement (oh and dogs and children)

SurelySmartie · 18/11/2023 17:05

All sounds a bit meh for both of you!

lisavee · 18/11/2023 17:07

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:05

how on earth do you have TWO jobs AND a full time masters placement (oh and dogs and children)

They're not full time jobs. I do two nights a week and one day a weekend.

OP posts:
PennyForearm · 18/11/2023 17:07

yesterday I get a message from him 'right change of plans tomorrow

He changed the plan because you made it clear sex was off the table.

Don’t waste any more time on this guy, you’re right, you’re on totally different wavelengths.

SurelySmartie · 18/11/2023 17:08

Oh I don’t know now thinking about it. It probably is the distance being a bit of a barrier at this stage though.

KaiserChefs · 18/11/2023 17:09

He sounds like he doesn't fit well with your life.

lisavee · 18/11/2023 17:09

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:03

We had a chat and I put it out on the table that there would be no sex etc and he seemed fine with this.

and they say romance is dead

Yeah it's not ideal. But I've went to men's houses before and when I turn them down for sex they've become moody. One actually said, 'what are you here for then?' I just wanted to make it clear that if that is what he was expecting. Not to waste his or my time.

OP posts:
lisavee · 18/11/2023 17:27

I think distance is a huge issue yeah

OP posts:
TyneTeas · 18/11/2023 17:29

He was a bit rude to just declare a change of plan without any discussion

funbags3 · 18/11/2023 17:30

I'm a bit of a cynic and would think he was having a sulk because of the no sex talk.
I'd probably back off after this to be completely honest,

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:33

lisavee · 18/11/2023 17:07

They're not full time jobs. I do two nights a week and one day a weekend.

so you have 1 day every other weekend?

don’t spend it on someone you don’t really like op

Ollifer · 18/11/2023 17:34

PennyForearm · 18/11/2023 17:07

yesterday I get a message from him 'right change of plans tomorrow

He changed the plan because you made it clear sex was off the table.

Don’t waste any more time on this guy, you’re right, you’re on totally different wavelengths.

Yeah this. He was clearly sulking and that's why he was being difficult with meeting out even though he suggested the change in plans. I couldn't be arsed with it

lisavee · 18/11/2023 17:38

I mean he probably was sulking but he genuinely didn't seem to be. It's all so odd.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:43

what did you do on the first date?

lisavee · 18/11/2023 17:45

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:43

what did you do on the first date?

We went to a bar and had some food and drinks. Lasted around 3.5 hours then he needed to get home to his dogs 😅😂

OP posts:
All2Well · 18/11/2023 17:50

To be honest, it doesn't really sound like you have time to fit a man into your busy life!

The only part YABU is the drinking part. I hate the pressure to drink just because someone else is. I have no issue with someone else drinking when I'm not and would never make a big deal of it and I always see it as a red flag if someone is unhappy that I'm not drinking. I'd probably not want to see someone like that again.

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 17:54

it’s got no legs

enjoy your evening in your jams!

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