Expecting emotional support from ex MIL

[Tayla92]

Hey,

I am after some advice please. Me and my partner have split up, I am 14 weeks pregnant and my ex has told me that his mom is really excited to become a grandparent to a child who lives close by (he has another child that lives 2 hours away). Since we found out I was pregnant in September, I have not heard a word from her, not even a message to say congratulations. I have reached out a couple of times but don't see why I should be making all of the effort. Am I being unreasonable expecting her to be there for me emotionally during my pregnancy if me and my ex are no longer together, considering she's going to want contact and has said she will help with childcare (heard this from my ex)?
My personal opinion is that whether you're family or not, if you're not bothering to check up on me while I am pregnant then don't expect much from me when the baby arrives! Due to the nature of our situation, she knows she will have contact with the baby as my ex will spend a lot of time with his mom. Just think it's unfair.

She’ll be spending time with her grandson through her son, not you.

Anyone who wants to see his son through him doesn’t need to go through you?

You're BU about this, sorry. It must be hard pregnant and going through a break up but I’d focus on your own support system as separate from ex as possible 💐

Well, presumably she feels massively conflicted — you’ve broken up with her son (who initiated the breakup — you or him?) but are still having his baby, so she’s presumably happy about the baby and sad about the circumstances? Maybe she hasn’t congratulated you because she didn’t know if you were planning to continue with the pregnancy?

Have you been close in the past — is she someone you would have leaned on for support while you were with your ex?

Because if not, it sounds slightly as if you’re expecting her to ‘pay’ in advance for contact with her grandchild by being ‘emotional support’ now, despite, as you admit, the fact that she will see the baby when it’s with your ex.

What is it you actually want from her?

Her loyalties will always lie with her son regardless of what happens. Her relationship with your child is his responsibility not yours. Look elsewhere for support.

I wouldn’t be looking for support from a relative of an ex.

Hi, and congratulations!

How is she with her other grandchild? Does she make any effort with the other grandchild despite him not being the ex anymore? If she's unable to be as present as she would like... whats her attitude toward the ex and the child?
I think this will be very telling as to how she will be with you and your baby.

I think the likelihood is she will spend time with the baby when he has the baby.

Since becoming a mum/single mum I'd say that 'the village' doesn't always turn out to be what you expect it would be...
especially from the dads side.

But that is my personal experience yours may be different.

Regardless us mums always work it out and children thrive regardless x

I don’t think you need to worry about facilitating her having contact with the baby - it’s for her son to do that, not you.

That said it was rude that she didn’t even reply to your messages. I guess she feels awkward but it wouldn’t have hurt for her to send a quick text.

Thanks for your response! I split up with him due to finding out he'd been having multiple affairs whilst we were trying for a baby (which she is also aware of and hasn't reached out to check I am ok) I sound like I am expecting her to take my 'side'. It's not that at all. He is repeating the same bad behaviour as he did in previous relationships and as his mother I would have expected her to care about the person he has hurt a little more than she has. My brother has treated his partner the same in the past and my mom has always reached out to my SIL to check she is ok and offer her advice etc.

She has a relationship with the other ex and has to do most of the communication, but she didn't even know about her until she got pregnant. She never met her and was told she was a one night stand by my ex! But my relationship with her was very different. I met her very early on, we live around the corner from each other and used to spend a lot of time together (not just us 2) going on walks, Sunday dinners etc.

To answer your question, what I want is to know I can lean on her for support/advice if it was required.

Thank you :) x

She has to do most of the communication with his other ex, as they don't get on very well. She doesn't see her granddaughter as much as she'd like due to the distance but goes when she can. She never even knew about her until my ex told her he had got someone pregnant and she was lead to believe she was just a one night stand (I was under this impression too!) I later found out that it was a full blown relationship and they were trying for a baby - just like us :)

I am very lucky to have a good support system around me, but conversations have arose this week about childcare etc, and I just feel funny about the fact that she's not even so much as checked in to see how I was feeling and will then expect to be involved from day 1 of birth.

Thank you for your help! X

Ask her once more if she wishes to be involved in your pregnancy and the baby. If you don’t hear from her, you’ll know. But things might change once the baby arrives.

Yep agree with this.

Her son sounds completely feckless and she's probably fed up with his behaviour if he's done this before. Does he live with her? I hope all continues well with your pregnancy but I wouldn't rely on her for support now or future childcare. That's for you, your own family and ex to sort out between you.

I'd be embarrassed too if I were her! Unfortunately though, she thinks the sun shines out of his a**e, so if his mom won't even hold him accountable for his bad behaviour then he's got no chance in ever realising it's wrong. He needs to grow up! :( He doesn't live with her, he lives close to where his other child is from. Thank you for your advice x

It’s not her job to morally police her son’s behaviour in front of you and you have no idea what she’s saying to him privately. She’s probably disappointed he’s having another child he won’t live with, and if he’s moved in with her, she’s already doing a lot to support him and the future baby.

Time to get your own support network, OP. She’ll be babysitting for him, not you.

It's only 14 weeks, I wouldn't be setting ultimatums about people not being allowed to see the baby if they weren't checking in on your health and supporting you emotionally from now. She won't know about this rule and you've only got your ex's word for the things she's said - and he's clearly an untrustworthy arsehole. When you have the baby, you'll have to start doing things in the best interests of the DC that may not fit with your rules set now. Everyone will still be processing the split, it sounds like a very sad situation and many people wouldn't want their MIL wading into the middle of it. If you actually need her support for something that you can't get elsewhere, I'd get in touch, but just because your mum reached out to your brother's ex, doesn't mean that feels like the right move for everyone. What if you started slagging her DS off or being (understandably) very upset about the situation? She doesn't feel like the right person to support you through that, but it doesn't mean she won't be a good grandparent when the DC comes along.

Maybe she is taking a stand against her son serially knocking up baby mommas and you and your baby are getting caught in the middle!

Unfortunately as you will discover, being a single parent doesn’t give you a trump card to make everyone offer support. You need to learn fast that the only person you can actually rely on is yourself, by all means accept help when it is offered, but expecting it ,and relying on it , will only lead to disappointment.

She probably has no idea how to proceed, frightened to get attached in case you withdraw contact, which you seem to be hinting at if you don't get your own way!
And come on emotional support during pregnancy, what exactly is that?

Honestly OP I wouldn't expect too much from her if I was you. It seems likely to me that she won't be as much support to you (emotionally or in terms of providing childcare) as you would like.

I am fully aware that "not bothering with me when I was pregnant" is not a good enough reason to actually withdraw contact from a grandparent, I'm not that cruel!! I am merely just expressing my frustration around the matter, when I have been told she's really excited and can't wait to be able to see them all the time. I have no control over who my ex decides to spend time with when he has the baby, and I'm sure she will be great with them.
When I say emotional support, I am referring to asking how I am feeling, offering advice to deal with symptoms etc. Not a shoulder to cry on 😂

Again, I'd forget about these things your ex has told you. They're making you frustrated with her when you've no idea what she's actually said. Your ex is unreliable.

When I say emotional support, I am referring to asking how I am feeling, offering advice to deal with symptoms etc. Not a shoulder to cry on 😂

But as soon as she asks how you're feeling, most people would think that'd lead to being a shoulder to cry on. If you're feeling okay, you wouldn't be needing her to ask and give emotional support, and unless you're ill, there aren't many symptoms at 14 weeks. If all you literally want is an acknowledgement from her that you've split up, are pregnant and the comms channels are still open, I think you may have to make the first move as she'll have no sense what move to make and the MIL usually gets it in the neck whatever she does (indeed she's done nothing here and is still in trouble).

You chose him to try for a baby with so he is a grown up it is nothing to do with his mother