To always feel left out?

[whyAmISo]

I always feel left out whenever I’m a social situation. I forced myself to go on a mums night out recently (I never really go out and don’t have many close friends). I just felt everyone was in groups of 2/3 chatting away and I was left just listening and trying to be “part” of either group next to me. There was moments I contributed to the conversation and laughed along but to be honest it all felt really fake. It’s not just “friends” meet-ups - I feel the same when I very occasionally get together with my siblings.

I’m trying to understand why I felt the way I do (I know might sound odd) but the people I was chatting to I felt were very loved and wanted, if that makes sense, but whereas my own mum and to some extent my cold and un-loving husband don’t love or want me.

The way the women were talking about their families etc. really pained me and I pretended to understand when they were saying things like “my mum still treats me like a child and every conversation is like have you eaten?” they were laughing knowingly and saying they have kids now but their mums still treat them like kids. My mum never cared for me when I was a child let alone now as an adult so I found this conversation very difficult but laughed along.

I feel people can sense how neglected and unloved I was as a child.

(edited for typos)

I am really sorry to read this but people really won't see anything different about you, most people are very self centered. That said it sounds like you could do with some counseling but if you are really strong you can ensure your children never feel like you do. X

@Iwantmyoldnameback thank you. I feel I have seen every Councellor in my area! I don’t feel it really helped

I could have written this OP-similar history with "mother" and I am very socially awkward, constantly feel left out/ignored and have real trouble maintaining friendships because I'm almost resistant to letting people get too close because I think they will abandon me, too. I struggle in work settings because I am convinced no one likes me.

Its a real problem and over the years I have concluded I am just not worth having as a friend-the only person who has "put up" with me is my husband.

No advice, but just wanted to say I understand how you feel x

@Lex345 sorry you are feeling like this too. Thank you for responding to me. I know I feel the same as husband being the only one to put up with me! That’s why when I’ve posted about how unloving and cold he is and people say LTBi think we’ll I will be completely alone then! I don’t think people understand how as children if unloved mothers we struggle to bond with anyone. It totally makes sense as I don’t feel any attachments to anyone as I had a cold and distant mother. She was very loving to my older siblings but made it very clear I was a disappointment (wrong gender) so she could never love me. I was her last chance of having a boy as she had girls already but as I was born a girl she blamed me for my father not having a son or to carry the family name on! For years she told me I’m unwanted and my grandma apparently sobbing on my birth (as told frequently by my aunty when I was a child)

A couple of points spring to mind. Firstly like the previous poster has said, people are very self-centred and they really won't be thinking about you that much at all, and not because you aren't worth being thought about, but because that is just human nature. We are all the main character in our own story. No one will know about your inner thoughts from some conversations on a night out.

The other thing is that you cannot know that those people are wanted in their lives just from a few conversations either. The person who said about their mum still treating them like a child....in that context I would imagine that was said as a way of her testing her own feelings on the matter. In the situation you described she received a positive reaction and others could relate to it. In another context she may have received a negative reaction and someone else could have stated that they find a similar situation with their mum really frustrating. She might just have been seeing the positive in that conversation but you don't know if a lot of the time she wishes her mum would respect her as an adult more. She may be really frustrated with it sometimes.

And finally, I am really sorry that you feel so unloved and unwanted. The danger is that it sounds like you are now seeking validation to confirm this theory. It seems that you go into social situations with this firm belief that you are unwanted and you will pick up on and remember anything that will confirm that belief. This is also a very common human trait, but it is one you can try to stop doing.

My suggestion would be to actively try to find the confirmation that you ARE loved and wanted. Because I have no doubt those signs are out there. You just need to be looking for them.

@captivate thank you. That’s good advice. I’ll try that out this morning and see how I feel later, I suppose I’ve got nothing to lose. I’ve heard similar advice about self esteem and to just go out and imagine you are very important. I’ll try that today and see if it makes a difference.

I am so sorry you have had to go through that-understand what you mean about it constantly being brought back up as well :(

I get you with LTB- its not that simple, even if you don't feel alone already and sometimes I wonder if I chose to be with DH because he isn't overbearingly affectionate/high demand-wouldn't say he is cold though. Its easier for me to say this to you than myself, but you do deserve to be treated well.

One thing that has been helpful for me at least is to cut out and go non communicative with pretty much anyone related to the trauma of the past. It doesn't heal it, but it at least stops it being shoved in my face. I process it on my terms. Maybe I am just isolating myself even more haha

Be interested to hear how any counselling or therapy you have had has helped x

I’m exactly like you op. In groups of people I don’t really know how to be naturally social and chatty. As a teen I felt like I was stood outside a box watching everyone else get along. I’m trying to unpick whether my social difficulties comes from having a cold parent who didn’t show much affection, or if it’s autistic traits. Or both 🤣. I’m fine one to one, but I do find making conversation difficult whatever the situation.

My DH is very family oriented and feels such a connection to them, which I’ve never been able to understand. One of my grandparents died recently and he was suprised at my reaction as he’d be inconsolable. We discussed the differences between our families and I came to the realisation I was never made to feel special as a child, which has tainted my adult life as I now often feel no one wants me around.

Regardless of the above I have a lot of friends (only because I’m funny Is my guess) but I never ask anything of anyone, wouldn’t occur to me to ask people if they want to do xyz, don’t arrange things for my events as wouldn’t expect people to come. Instead I wait for people to ask me, and they probably feel like I don’t like them seeing as I don’t make plans.

Its an inner struggle I think many people have.

Excellent response
I feel hurt on your behalf OP.
Ì had similar feelings when I was younger.
My first dh was a horrible chauvinist and my dm spent much of her time with my younger sister.
I am married to a lovely kind man now but in those past days life seemed really dark cold and hungry, we lived hand to mouth really.
You might be surprised that your parents have thoughts different to yours and that you are really cared for.

Sending you a virtual hug,.

Hi OP I have a similar situation with my mum and it will always hurt I think. The only choice I feel I have is to practice radical self acceptance so continually tell myself I am fine as I am, I am proud I am doing my best, I really like my own company etc. I think emotional neglect can turn us into people pleasers to get good feedback from people to make us feel better about ourselves. I am consciously trying to break this pattern. Practice trying to talk more at these events and be your own person more wirh your own personality and always tell yourself you've done your best and you like yourself. That way you will hopefully enjoy the interaction more, and others will get to see the real you and maybe like who you are!! And whatever happens, you will like yourself.

Oh this makes me feel so sad. It really illustrates was a massive impact those early years of our lives can have on us forever. However op it is amazing how self aware you are. You seem to have so much insight into how you feel and why you feel that way. Might it be worth giving yourself a little mantra to say internally to remind yourself why you feel as you do but that you are worthwhile and people do enjoy being with you.

I almost always feel on the ‘outside’ in social situations too. I like 1-2-1 socialising much better than group because of it. I just don’t seem to have the social skills or to be able to connect with others on a meaningful level. I also have that feeling with close friends and family - it’s horrible, so you have my sympathies.

I hadn't seen your post above mine when I posted, so another thought on what you have been through. That sounds really tough and it is no wonder you feel how you do now. I can relate to how damaging it is to never feel good enough. How they treated you and the story that accompanies your existence is really hurtful.

But, you logically know that those aren't the actions of good people, right? Your family were nasty and horrible to you. Who says shit like that to a child? Good people don't. My guess is you would never dream of saying that to anyone.

As a child that was your normal though. You had no way of knowing it was unacceptable. But as an adult you now do. So why continue to centre your core beliefs about yourself on the actions of people who are horrible and nasty? You get to choose now, to reject their opinion of you, and to start to form your own.

I'm not saying it's easy. It requires work. But it is absolutely possible. I know because I had to do the same. And some days I still have a wobble, but most of the time it works for me.

Also, regarding your husband....it is very possible you found a man who confirms those beliefs for you. I don't know enough about him to say LTB but it would be understandable for you to have chosen someone who doesn't treat you well, because that is what you see as normal.

@captivate thank you, that makes sense. Yes you’re right they are not good people at all. Thank you. Best of wishes for your recovery too. If you don’t mind me asking what have you tried that’s worked in your recovery?

Read overcoming low self esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell and attached by Dr Amir Levine. Both will help you to better understand yourself and begin to work on areas that might help.

Both of @captivate ’s posts are good. OP, I hear you. My parents, while well-meaning, simply weren’t able to parent, as they both came from deprived and dysfunctional backgrounds and weren’t themselves parented in any loving way. It makes me feel peripheral and invisible to this day, because what I learned in childhood was that I wasn’t important.

But I’m an adult now, and while one of my key concerns is showing my child he is loved, and stopping the handing on of inter generational emotional neglect, the other one is centring myself, and behaving as though I am important and deserving of consideration.

When you do that, when you focus on yourself as important, other people start to ‘see’ you. But it needs to come from you. Other people can’t make you feel important in anything other than a fairly fleeting way.

I went no contact with my entire family. I had a year of counselling with an absolute gem of a woman. I allowed myself to grieve. I grieved for the parents I should have had, the life I should have had, the support I should have had. I grieved for my actual parents and family, even though they are alive and well.

I focused on getting better for my children, I was really mentally unwell at a point and I knew I wanted better for them.

I then prioritised myself, and actively parented myself. I went back to education. I got a degree. I did all the things that I missed out on doing because of their lack of care for me.

It was really difficult at times. It's easy for me to say all that now but it really was so hard when I was in it. But it paid off and I am now genuinely happy. If I can do it anyone can.

@captivate really lovely to hear that

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. If there is anyway you can get to a place where you can believe that people's treatment of you is not an indication of your worth I think you'll feel much happier and freer - it is a cheesy analogy but for example if a priceless gold vessel that was a unique artifact was used as a dog bowl, if you realise this and washed it and sent it back to the museum it was missing from they would still want to put it in pride of place, nothing about how it was treated would matter. Our situations are slight different in that I was lucky enough to have a great mum and we both felt like misfits - I lost my parents in my 20s and since then feel like I'm an imposter everywhere I go, she was really the only person I felt truly understood me and I've just sorted of collapsed in on myself since then and am cripplingly shy, so I'm some ways we may feel similarly. The easiest way I've found to meet people is through volunteering for foodcycle and similar food poverty charities - as I'm mainly cooking there is less pressure on conversation. It's rare that I feel instant connection, but if you start to go to these things regularly people will get to know and like you more and you can always invite someone for a coffee when you do feel you've hit it off. My grandma's mother was a narcissist and physically abusive and she used to cry to me about it even as a 96 year old, even though she was a tough cookie, however she went to bridge club and her book group every week no matter what and everyone in her village would know her face. Please don't feel like you're rubbish, there are people out there that would love to be your friend.

@PBJsandwich123 thank you. I wish you well too. I’m so sorry about your mum x

Op, look up dismissive avoidant attachment style.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/dismissive-avoidant-attachment-style-signs-how-to-heal.html

I feel very similar. I've searched around for answers and ASD, ADHD and CPTSD all resonate and I think they might play a part at some level. I also recently stumbled across dismissive avoidant attachment style and it really resonates.

Big social groups are really hard and not great if you're struggling with self esteem issues. Can you avoid them for the time being? Go out with people 121 or do a hobby with a group where the focus is the activity? That's what I'm doing at the moment and it does help.

I am lucky that I have a DH who gets me and puts up with all of my foibles. This helps immensely and life has been much better since he's been on the scene. I did go out with a fair few people before DH who really didn't help which I guess is where you're at the moment.

Also, remember that you don't need to be a social butterfly or fit in with everyone. Having one or two supportive friends and a few acquaintances is all you really need. Always better to choose quality over quantity.

@DollyMurs thank you so much. I will look into that now x

I am like this everywhere I go! I can meet a group of completely new people, all new to each other and will still end up being the one with no one to chat to. It’s definitely a me problem and I am neurodiverse but it must come off me in waves because even very soon after meeting people I’ll be pushed out.

@windyworriednight im sorry to hear you also going through this x