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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask

24 replies

Autieangel · 18/11/2023 06:37

I have two adult dd (21 and 23) both still live at home.

We have (all four of us) been invited to a wedding next year for dh cousin. The wedding is on elder dd birthday. We do still typically spend birthdays together usually do a meel/cake etc.

Dd doesn't want to go as she wants to spend her birthday with her bf who's not invited (cousin doesn't know bf so would not expect a invite) That's fine but she is also offended that we still want to go and sees it as we are choosing dh cousin over her. (Dh is stepdad btw so although dd have known family for 15 years they are not technically related)

To avoid drip feed, younger dd has adhd and does try sometimes to monopolise things so elder dd has a long time sensitivity to feeling less important so not sure if this is triggering for her.

Are we unreasonable to go to a wedding on her 24 birthday?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 18/11/2023 06:39

No you’re not. Go.

CroccyWoccy · 18/11/2023 06:40

YANBU, your DD is.

stepintochristmas1 · 18/11/2023 06:42

Yanbu your daughters are being very needy for ages .

cuckyplunt · 18/11/2023 06:42

I would be telling her to grow up!

Frazzledandfried · 18/11/2023 06:48

I think it's really nice that you've clearly managed to make birthdays special in your house for 23 years, clearly your DD feels this.
However, she needs to understand that in the adult world, things happen regardless of the date and sometimes you celebrate on a different day (Sometimes not at all!!). She gets a birthday every year, DH cousin will only have their wedding once (hopefully!) Explain that you'll be going to the wedding but you'll happily celebrate her birthday on a different day!

IAmAnIdiot123 · 18/11/2023 06:49

I would be telling her to get a grip tbh. Yanbu, go to the wedding.

Alleycat1 · 18/11/2023 06:53

@Frazzledandfried beat me to it. Your Dd is being ridiculous.

Original poster

Autieangel · 18/11/2023 06:58

Frazzledandfried · 18/11/2023 06:48

This is exactly what we think!

OP posts:

pictoosh · 18/11/2023 07:04

Yanbu...you can have your family celebration another day. Don't encourage your dd to be self=centred by validating this nonsense.

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 07:12

how close are you to this cousin?

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 07:14

do you have any other younger children?

Catopia · 18/11/2023 07:59

Crickey, I spent my 24th birthday on my own in a shady as hell hotel room in a strange city on day 2 of a qualification course on which I knew no one! Grown up birthdays are not necessarily that fun, and any celebrations don't necessarily take place on the day, because as an adult you have to realise that not everything is about you.

I think it is a little bit sad that this is the reason she didn't want to go to the wedding and celebrate a one-off happy event for someone she has known for 15 years, which will likely be a main topic of conversation during all other family events for at least next year. It's lovely that the wider step-family have that relationship with you that you were all invited.

However, she will hopefully have a lovely day with her boyfriend, and maybe you can have a family meal on the other weekend day.

jemenfous37 · 18/11/2023 08:07

How lovely that you do birthdays as a family. However, life moves on. The very fact that her boyfriend will be there on her next birthday is an indication of this, she is instigating it, but doesn't realise this is what she is doing!
You may end up missing the wedding for her, but she will want to spend most of day with bf...
Go to wedding. 🙂

ZekeZeke · 18/11/2023 08:10

The boyfriend may not even be around next year.
Your 24 year old adult daughter needs to grow the f up.

jemenfous37 · 18/11/2023 08:10

@Catopia Crikey, thought you were going to say you were in a shady hotel having wild sex!
Dreadful to be in a shady hotel on a course!!!

DuploTrain · 18/11/2023 08:15

Well she had the option of spending it as a family but she’s choosing to spend it with her boyfriend.

It is really nice that she still wants to spend it with you though as well as the boyfriend, sounds like you have a lovely family.

But no YANBU. You can celebrate her birthday the day after/before.

VWT5 · 18/11/2023 08:19

Tell your daughter that she might be having 100 birthdays.
Her cousin will have just one wedding day.
You all celebrate her birthday the day before….is what I would say

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 18/11/2023 08:21

YANBU- as someone else said, she needs to adjust to the adult world now. Offer to do something special the day after, let her know you love her dearly but you are going to to the wedding.

Lovemychair · 18/11/2023 08:28

Absolutely time for her to grow up and realise that there are going to be times when events clash or someone can't attend an event for whatever reason.

LadyMacB · 18/11/2023 08:33

24?!! Good god.

You're not unreasonable.

Gillypie23 · 18/11/2023 08:47

Absolutely not. She's a grown woman.

Catopia · 18/11/2023 11:57

jemenfous37 · 18/11/2023 08:10

@Catopia Crikey, thought you were going to say you were in a shady hotel having wild sex!
Dreadful to be in a shady hotel on a course!!!

No.... but everyone else in the hotel was.... turned out it was next door to a strip club and was effectively a brothel.... I had the chest of drawers in front of the door. It was not my favourite birthday but see the funny side now thankfully!

Original poster

Autieangel · 18/11/2023 12:10

Afteropening · 18/11/2023 07:12

how close are you to this cousin?

Dh is close from childhood but probably only see them a few times a year. No younger kids

OP posts:

AffIt · 18/11/2023 12:15

Then have a meal / do cake the day before or after.

Your daughter is a 24-year-old adult woman who will be spending her birthday with her boyfriend by choice. If she's so offended, explain 'natural consequences' to her like the pre-teen she's currently behaving like.

I really cannot be doing with this babying of adults that's so prevalent on MN.

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