No children No siblings

[WinteryWonderland]

Feeing a bit down of recent. I have no children or siblings. My Dad died a few years ago, just mum left now and she's almost 80.
I have my DH. He has 2 adult children from a previous marriage, siblings and a large extended family. I came along into their lives later (I was mid 30s now late 40s) so their bonds and history were already established obviously and I'm just really seen as 'DH wife'. They are all close, and I'm just a bit of an outsider to it all looking in. I've tried over the years, but there's little warmth or interest in having any kind of relationship with me, just basic politeness, and am pretty sure if anything ever happened to DH (I'm a realist) I doubt I'd ever see them again as I'm not even sure they like me much tbh.

I lost my first DH young so never got to have the 'big family' I always just stupidly assumed I'd have. I'm envious of people who have WhatsApp family chats, big family Christmas's, the close bond of friends and their DC. Siblings to have shared childhood memories with/share in the grief of loss of parents.

The older I get the more I worry I'll be alone one day.

I have friends, but it's not really the same as close family.

Having children isn't a 'guarantee' you'll all be close I do realise that, I just think sometimes I'm a bit sad my life didn't quite pan out the way I'd hoped/planned in my head and now I'm late 40s there's that feeling of 'what if I'd done things differently'.

Please don't judge, but I also had a termination at 20. (I was in a new relationship, living at home and quite unprepared hence my decision) I sometimes wonder though, if I'd known then, that would be my only chance to ever have a child, would I have not terminated?

Anyone else relate to any of my 'woe is me' Friday night ramblings?

I really feel for you, but have to say I am annoyed with your husband for not helping you integrate with his family. What was he thinking?

His DC are cordial/polite, but I'm just seen as Dad's wife I guess.
He is close with his Sisters, but we are quite different personalities and so never really bonded as such. They are also very fiery/confrontational and I think he made it pretty clear from the outset to avoid drama that he'd prefer we didn't get close as there had been issues with his sisters and his previous wife (to be honest I can see his train of thought!)

Anyone with no children or siblings out there? Or am I really as alone as I feared 😨

Op why don't you ask to have this moved to the Relationships board as you might get more responses. I do feel for you and it sounds hard. I have grown closer with (very) extended family members since one of them invited me to their pandemic Zoom chats, so you never know what is going to turn up in your future.

I have a child and siblings. But also a deep fear of being really alone and abandoned. My approach is to keep busy, I work a lot at a lovely job with people I am genuinely fond of and I volunteer too. I think keeping busy is the answer. Is there any way that approach could work for you?

I can relate - I do have a half-brother but we’re not close, in different countries and what’s app twice a year (“happy birthday” and “merry Christmas”). I grew up at my Grandmother while he was Mummy’s little boy so we have very little we share in terms of memories etc.

Only got my grandmother (nearly 89) who I’m regularly speaking to (also different country), my mother is alive but we’re not really close.
Let’s not talk about my “father”… I did find my half-brother paternal-side after years of looking but he clearly seems to be the same tw** as our “father” (even though I know he abandoned his mother, too) - I know he got my message but he never responded and just stalked on social media (and had fat fingers and accidentally liked something, which is why I know). I guess it was a bit of hope to somehow “gain” a larger family if I found him (I believe I have a half-sister as well), though in yet another country.

My close + extended family maternal side is tiny - I could invite absolutely everyone and get to… the grand total of 13 incl cousins children.

We haven’t got any kids - not out of choice - and DH is older than me so I’m often thinking about being alone one day.

DH has a tiny family, too - he lost his mother, father and one brother (who he was close to) in the last 11 months which led to a fall-out between him and his remaining sister and bother. No contact since, probably for the better, but that would be a completely separate thread. Hardly any contact before though anyway - they’re both further away and each lived their own lives really and their values are just completely different.

So no family What’s App groups, Christmas is DH and me this year and I can completely relate to your thoughts.

Having Children and Siblings is no guarantee of a close family life.

@WinteryWonderland I have no children, no siblings, and all my family are dead (mum 16 yrs ago, dad 2yrs, grandparents obviously longer). I'm early 40s.

Partner was married, which ended, and has 1DC & co-parents with his ex GF. He has both parents living and 3 siblings who have families, all pretty close. Most are nice, one not so much, but I wouldn't keep up a relationship with them if we weren't together, nor them with me - just not deep enough bonds or enough in common/shared history.

TBH, since I never wanted children, that doesn't figure in my mind much. I miss my grandmother a lot, but I don't really worry about being alone.
I have lots of lovely friends that I'm very close to, and who I'm inviting for Christmas - have done this since mum died, so it's my normal.

I'm quite in the "friends are the family we choose" camp, and even tonight, was lying on the sofa with DP, and thinking "you're older than me (not that much, but still), I wonder whether you'll die young (like my parents) & I'll have to do all this again".

But we never know what's coming round the corner, so I figure I may as well just enjoy it now and take what comes as it does.

And also keep doing classes & things that interest me, and asking people I meet at classes etc out for coffee if they seem like they might be interesting - making new friends is a useful skill, and developing it means that I'm not really afraid of being lonely, because I know I can find new people to get to know in whatever contexts.

I think, although I can totally understand why you might be afraid of future loneliness, the reality is that it could (& does) happen to many older people due to many different reasons, whether they have children, family etc or not, so working on the proactive steps you can take to counter it is maybe one way to reduce the fear.

I don't currently, but used to volunteer with older person befriending - I really enjoyed having tea and cakes with them and maybe getting perspectives from people in that situation might help a little as well - they were taking steps to meet new people and were mostly pretty upbeat, happy and enjoyed their lives, despite lack of family connections...

I think that friends are often better than family. Family can be the worst thing in your life and you can't choose who you get. We are all alone at the very end but until then you have control over your life.

There is a “Mumsnetters without children” board, OP, where you might find some support and people in a similar situation.

Having siblings doesn't mean you'll be close. My sister and I are fond of each other but not close, physically or emotionally (nine year age gap and 1500 km apart). I am childfree and single. Doesn't bother me, I don't really feel the desire to be close to others these days. I have casual friends, that's enough.

I have no children, no siblings and no partner. I don’t feel lonely. I have friends, a job I love, and I’m happy in my own company the rest of the time. If you can manage to reframe your mindset it might help a little. Please don’t beat yourself up about the termination. It was the right thing for you at the time.

Another only child here with no children. I have one relative and that is my Uncle who will be 96 next year and lives in UK, I live in NZ.

I don't worry about the future, just hope I have one! I did miss having a family briefly this year as I lost my Mum in May and have just got back from UK after selling and clearing out her home. It was a tough job and definitely would have been easier had I had siblings, but I don't and that is not going to change.

I have seen many friends fall out with their families and do not think that having relatives means you will be close. But it is OK to be sad OP about how life turns out sometimes, you cannot go back and try to remake decisions based on what happens years afterwards though. We just go through life, trying to make the best decisions we can, based on the knowledge we have at the time.💐and 🍷for you.

Yes, me too @WinteryWonderland It's a hard island to live on. Parents long since gone. Divorced with no kids. I do have a sibling but we have been NC for years because she was a horrible bully and losing our parents gave me the strength to walk away. I have a lovely DP but he has family and I do envy him that, although they are not that close they do function and see each other. But they were close to his ex-W and I they don't know me, even though we are polite and friendly. I know people have difficult relationships with their families but it's like comparing apples with oranges. It makes me panic sometimes when I am on my own when I think about how small my support network is.

Yes, come and join us. Lots in similar-ish boats. DH and I are childfree and he is an only child. I have a sister but she is childless due to infertility, so we are a 'no children whatsoever' family.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

I have no children, no siblings, no parents, and only an ex husband. You are not alone! I sometimes think I will be one of those people who lie dead in their house for weeks before discovery - I am retired, so no work colleagues to miss me. Although really, I only worry about my cat in that instance.

One older sibling, nearing 80, rapist brother that I am NC with, no children, not married. Parents dead.
Cultivate and value friends carefully.

I have a large family and a child but I must say what you are thinking about is loneliness and the only way to tackle that is surrounding yourself with good quality friendships. I’m not actually that close to much of my family - big families doesn’t guarantee zero loneliness.

The only reason families are closer, in a sense, is due to “forced shared time” - and someone has to be the catalyst to make it happen.

The same can be said about friendship. I’m a lone parent with 1 child and worry I might be lonely when she leaves - I know many who have found themselves alone despite having had children - but I have to make the effort to connect with the people I truly enjoy being around - particularly friends and being immersed in their lives to the point that they feel like family.

Perhaps being the organiser isn’t in your comfort zone but could you organise a family dinner? A family holiday? Invite friends or a close friend for coffee regularly?

I just want to say that it takes time to develop any relationship and you can create your own family with friends - in a sense.

Some great suggestions here!

Me . You're not alone OP and my concerns are the same as yours .

I don't know if this is actually helpful or not, but when I was a student I worked in psychogeriatric residential homes. The patients were 90% women, married and unmarried, with and without children, some had had glittering careers, some had travelled the world...but at the end of their lives, they had outlived many of their peers and siblings and spouses. The ones they had not outlived were in poor health, and couldn't travel to see them. So you might say they ended up alone, and it surprised me how little difference it made in the end whether they had family or not.

All that to say, I concluded it is our lives that matter, not the end of our lives. So I would focus on connections that make you happy right now, and not worry about the future.

@WinteryWonderland I am about 10 years younger than you but in the same position, although both my parents are alive still.

It's so tough - I dread my future and I have decades to go (potentially! - I know old age is not promised to anyone though).

I really don't know what to do - I feel anxious about my lonely future every day. I know this sounds awful, but I have also started becoming resentful towards my parents for even having me. It's like they have had their lovely parenting experience and the ease of having just one child, only to leave me in this vulnerable position. One day I will be all alone in the world - it's just not natural. I don't think I could ever have an only child. I am well aware that not everyone gets on with their siblings, but if they never existed in the first place, you have no chance!

Sometimes I feel a little more optimistic and think maybe I can make a 'family' of friends, but I am not sure. One of my greatest fears is that I get a serious illness like cancer and have nobody to support me. Goodness knows what old age will bring either - I imagine being in hospital all alone, left in a trolley on a corridor with nobody to advocate for me. The future feels bleak.

Does anyone have any positive stories about people (especially older people) with no family which they could share with the OP and I (and anyone else in this situation).

Thank you.

I have no children and no siblings and I do worry about what will happen in the future. I’m lucky in that DH’s family (he’s one of three) have embraced me but when my mum dies (single parent) I will have no family of my own.

Almost exactly your situation.

Late 40s, DH has kids from a previous marriage although they are estranged.
He has a sister and nieces and nephews.
DH is older than me so realistically I will end up losing him before I die.

my mum is 80 and I have no other family.

The only difference is I never wanted kids and I still don't regret that.
I'm also close to his sister who regularly tells me I deserve a medal for putting up with her brother.