To refuse to do this

[liormat]

Presenting and public speaking comes up three or four times a year in my role. It was not mentioned in the job description so I wasn’t aware of it until things shifted and we took on a couple of new projects. I am happy to do quite literally anything else, including picking up the slack for colleagues in other areas.

I don’t mind chatting one on one, happy to deliver training to small groups and speak in meetings where everyone’s sat around a table or over zoom. I would struggle very much to stand up in front of a room of 30+ people and speak.

I am autistic and I do struggle in conversation unless I am extremely familiar with the person. I am high masking so it’s not necessarily obvious at first and can maintain small talk, though internally it’s a lot of effort. I follow a sort of script of what to say in my head with pretty much all conversation, if something throws me off I struggle to know what to say. This is different if it’s just a chat with someone, as the other people can bridge the silence, but if it were just me talking to a crowd it would be very awkward. I can’t think on my feet and be spontaneous with it, I would literally lose the ability to think of what was next! I used to have a mild speech impediment which is still there and worsens with nerves or when I don’t know what to say.

A quick google says a lot of people suffer with this anxiety and avoidance feeds it. On the whole I think facing your fears is good for most things but this task in particular keeps me up at night whenever I know there’s opportunity to do it. Work seem otherwise happy with me, I love my role and it’s something I am very passionate about and good at.

WIBU to not do this task at all on grounds of the above?

Academic here so have done lots of work with groups that size. You say you do fine in small-group presentations but don't know how to handle the larger crowd. Trust me nobody does - you can't focus on 30 people all at the same time. The usual trick is to pick two or three people to focus on in your audience andvsiesk to them - do you think that would make a difference to you? Maybe even get a couple of allies to sit in the audience and address them.

As to style of delivery. Sorry to say but reading out a presentation is usually a shit-show, unless it's already specifically written for oral presentation. Sentences will be too complex and pitch too level - unless you're a trained actor the danger is to send the audience to sleep. Semi-free is best, even if it seems to you like you're stuttering. Have a power-point headlining your talk, print that out and add additional details but not as written-out sentences. Just practice formulating those as you go along.

A lot of people, neurodiverse or not, find it challenging to go up in front of a crowd, so don't worry about asking for some coaching if your organisation offers that option.. Also, try and give the same presentation to a smaller audience before going up for the real thing. You've got this!

Thank you

I dislike this notion that loads of people dislike it so we should all just suck it up and get on with it.

I think since it is causing you distress you should look into reasonable adjustments. That is, if your employer needs something in writing to tell them how to treat you like a human being.

I was having a chat about something similar with my manager a few days ago and her thought on it was that I should be vocal about not wanting to take part in something. She saw it as a positive trait to be able to go against the herd and voice my own boundaries. Maybe I am just lucky.

For me personally, I don't like it but I can push through. It takes a lot though. And I don't think it should. I agree with the notion of feeling the fear and doing it anyway, and that true growth comes from being outside your comfort zone. But that's not the same thing as being highly stressed and having to mask. If the worry and fear is more than a few nerves in the few hours before, that isn't OK.

Thank you, your last paragraph sums it up