To want my birthday present on my birthday?

[Faradalla]

I'll preface this by saying that I know this is a first world problem. I'll also add that I live far from my family.

When I was growing up, we didn't have much. We were a run of the mill working class family and my parents worked every hour to make ends meet, so I'm not coming at this from an entitled angle. My mum would spend ages in the week before.my birthday picking up lots of small, thoughtful gifts and would bring me my present in bed on the morning of my birthday. It felt so special and that it was 'my day'. Just that feeling of being given my little bag of treats was the nicest feeling, better than whatever the present actually was usually. Then all the excitement of putting on my new White Musk body spray or blue hair mascara or whatever it was and wearing it on my birthday!

Anyway, every year, my husband doesn't time my present correctly. Usually it, or a part of it hasn't arrived yet. Then when it does arrive, I'm just handed said item in its amazon packaging like he's the postman delivering a parcel. Once a package lay on the workbench for a few days before DH even told me it was for me. So not only do I have nothing to open on my birthday, but the aftermath is very underwhelming.

So my birthday was a few days ago. Last weekend, I wasn't feeling great but for a certain reason, we had to eat out. It wasn't a birthday celebration or anything fancy, but purely functional as we werent able to cook that night. I was tired, had greasy hair, was still in my work clothes and just wanted to go home and get my pyjamas on. Dh pulls out a gift bag and son proceeds to hand me my birthday present a few days early. It's a lovely gift, and of course I made a big show of how grateful I was but inside I was thinking, why today? Yet another birthday with nothing to open.

I mentioned that we live far from my family because if my husband doesn't buy me a gift, I don't get one. So on my actual birthday, I got up and had no gift to open, because I had already been given it. We had an OK day. Went out for a nice walk but it was all very bla.

I am honestly not spoiled. I wouldn't care if it was a little token gift, something small and cheap but thoughtful (like my mums gifts). I just love that feeing of it being my birthday and being given something to open on my day.

My husband actually doesn't care about gifts and he wouldn't mind if his gifts were a bit late or early, and would probably be happy with a box of beers, but it's important to me. I tried to speak to him about it before and he implied that I was being grabby and ungrateful. Really, I'd be grateful for anything so long as its thoughtful and given to me on my birthday.

Am I being totally ridiculous? I just can't stop feeling annoyed about it! He's a good husband generally. I always end up seething on every birthday!

Christmas is always fine though!

Rather immature I think.

You’ll be told you are being unreasonable but MN seems weird about birthdays. Seen people on here before say it’s fine for your other half to have no idea what age you are. IRL I think YADNBU and I’d be sad too x

I understand how you feel, I think in this occasion I would have said "I'll keep this to.open on the day" .

I got the opposite when I was younger and got absolte shite on my birthday (not lying when I tell you my mum got me a used wooden spoon for my 16th birthday ???) So now I make sure I buy all my own presents and my husband wraps them.

We only got 1 birthday a year, should be special

It's just how I was raised. We were all expected to make sure we marked eachother's birthday in a special way, by making sure that whoevers birthday it was got a little something and a card and it was important that it was on the day. It's just been ingrained in me that that's what you do for people that I find it annoying when it's not done for me. Maybe it is immature.

Course not being silly

It's your birthday and dh should be able to get you something small to open :unwrap

To give you presents a Few days before your birthday and noting on your birthday seems madness

It’s a bit silly to compare what your mum did for a child’s birthday with a husband/wife.

if he doesn’t care about birthdays, he needs to be told that you do. On your birthday, you would like breakfast/tea in bed, and a present.

Argh it's just that every year there is a problem with the present. One year he got me nothing as we were broke (we were) but never thought to buy me a £2 box of chocolates. Another year he got me a voucher for something that everyone knows I hate (think getting a reflexology voucher for someone who famously hates their feet being touched). Last year I took the bull by the horns and sent him a link to gift I wanted about a month before my birthday but of course there was a problem with it and I was just handed the box when it arrived a week after my birthday. I just want him to think about the things I like and give them to me on my birthday. I dont have expensive tastes.

I lived at home until I was in my mid twenties and she always did it until I left home. I think a lot of the culture that we grew up in has a big effect on how we build our own traditions and customs as adults. Anyway I have tried speaking to him and he didn't really like it.

I would have said "thank you for the gift, I'll keep it to open on my birthday". Both my young DS would have been happy for Mummy to wait. You didn't have to open it before your birthday if you didn't want to...,

Same, got handed an Amazon package this year with a book. nothing from the kids, not even a handmade card. He got a Michelin star dinner and trainers for his bday from me. He's great in every other way, just crap at birthdays

I felt the pressure. My kids were excited and in that moment I didn't want to say no. I didn't want to but as it happened I felt like I should.

Hell yes!! - you should get your birthday present on your birthday!

What's this with your husband just handing you unwrapped presents near/around your birthday??

I'd be so hurt if my husband wouldn't make the effort ( he's now my ex-husband actually, but he managed to remember when it was my birthday, even though he was (still is!) really bad at remembering dates)

You're not entitled, and you're not being unreasonable. If you want your actual birthday to be marked in some way - little or big - then your husband should make the effort

Have you talked to your DH about it? I think this year was an opportunity to say "You know, I don't need diamonds or anything, but what I really, really want from you is for you to mark my actual birthday. So I'm going to save this until then." instead of gushing over it then and there. And then follow up in 9 months time. Tell him it means a lot to you.

Your special birthday ritual growing up wasn't his. He doesn't know. He doesn't feel it. So expecting him to understand what it means to you without you talking about it enough that he understands it isn't just a passing melancholy for things past, and telling him what you'd like him to do is pretty unreasonable.

Even after telling him, expecting him to be like your mum just because it's what you want isn't entirely reasonable either. It can be off putting to someone to be told, in effect, that they have to step into someone else's shoes to make you feel good.

Expecting him to make some effort to make you happy is more than reasonable, though.

A better approach overall is to try and make your own, new, rituals that suit you both. Making you both feel special in ways that don't make either of you feel like you're just jumping through hoops to recreate an experience you don't really share.

I totally agree with you. Don’t give me a card or present the day after, that’s not my birthday. So either do it on the right day or don’t bother. It’s your birth DAY. A week later is pointless.

It’s not immature or ungrateful. It’s simply that if your nearest and dearest know you celebrate your birthday and it’s special to you, they could get it right. Likewise I do it on their birthdays and even if they’re away I make sure they have things beforehand so they have a card and gift to open on the day.

It’s only one day. It’s not hard and it means so much.

My DC always wants me to open his gifts for mother's Day/birthday as soon as he brings them home, which can be almost 2 weeks early at times as he is with is dad every other weekend usually, so I understand why you didn't feel you could say you would save it.
I would have been a bit miffed that my (hypothetical) husband uses a functional meal out as an opportunity to "celebrate" without actually making an effort. Especially if he'd already been told how much I value my actual birthday. The fact you've spoken about it before means yanbu in my opinion. Regardless of whether it would matter to me, or previous commenters, he knows it matters to you, he just doesn't care enough to make the effort.

I personally don't understand your position, for me a few days before or after doesn't really matter.

Still, YANBU. He doesn't have to understand it, he can take it as your quirk, but he should accept it is your way of feeling loved and give it to you.

Why didn't you have anything from your family you could open on the day? Just because you 'live far away from' family I don't see why they don't send you something... I don't live close to my parents but still receive things ready for the actual day. A member of my family is on the other side of the world but I'll use couriers or the postal service to get presents to them.

My husband comes from a family where birthdays were not a big thing. He was gobsmacked by the fuss my Mum made of him! He ensures I receive a thoughtful gift on the day and we go to my favourite restaurant on the day (or within a week either way due to opening days and our work) and doesn't expect anything in return. (I make a fuss of him because that's my nature!) For our adult lives we've always been at work so a whole day of fuss is not a thing......

I don't see how this can be resolved unless you tell your husband everything you've written here.
I had to tell mine to stick to flowers and chocolates because he kept getting me daft things that I didn't want in the house.

Why didn't you have anything from your family you could open on the day? Just because you 'live far away from' family I don't see why they don't send you something... I don't live close to my parents but still receive things ready for the actual day. A member of my family is on the other side of the world but I'll use couriers or the postal service to get presents to them.

My parents can't use the Internet and parcels have gone missing in the past, so my dad normally puts a little cash in my bank account. When I said nobody else gets me presents but DH, i meant the kind you open.

I feel the same but when I broached it in the past he really felt I was being ungrateful and spoiled. I wanted to check if other people feel the same before bringing it up again.

You need to tell your DH that you want a wrapped present on your birthday. And remind him.

He's being unreasonable, but you need to talk to him even if he's not very nice about it. My DP thinks cut flowers are pointless, but I love them so he often gets them for me for my birthday.

I'd be completely explicit about what you want for the whole day. For example, we do breakfast in bed on the birthday or the nearest weekend day and cards and presents are opened during that time. The birthday person chooses their favourite supper in advance and that is made or bought for them. There's always a discussion of what the birthday person would particularly like to do that day.

I think you need a clear plan like that with a few nice things built in. If he can't follow something like that then I would have a serious problem with how he is treating you.

I totally get it OP. My DH also does this - it’s the same date every year, you’d think he’d have figured it out after 20 years together, but nope.
Doesn’t help that my bday is a few days after Christmas so I think I’m also scarred by a lifetime of joint bday/Christmas presents and underwhelming days as everyone is done with celebrating by the start of Jan.
It’s hard to get the point across without sounding ungrateful so I just get on with it, but it is a bit disappointing.

I would start going up to visit your parents for your birthday.

Not being silly at all OP, albeit MN is weird about birthdays.
I get it, it's not so much the gift, as being made to feel special and cared about on your birthday. It's one day a year, and it's not too much to ask.