To ask if this is normal when your DM ages

[Tramliner]

My DM worked hard raising us but wouldn’t have been emotionally supportive. Rarely a conversation about how you are feeling, your concerns etc but she was good on a practical level.

As she’s gotten older (early 70s) and the grandchildren are teens she never calls, never calls in etc
She would be very upset if I didn’t call in a couple of times a week, take her out, check in etc but never ever seems to show an interest in reciprocating. No mobility etc issues.

Is this normal when your mother ages? I see friends with more adult reciprocal type relationships but I’m wondering if that’s just the exception rather than the rule

I think you've said it yourself - she wasn't emotionally available when you were growing up. So she hasn't really changed much over time - maybe just got more unavailable.

I don't think your situation is the norm, everyone is different. I'm a grandmother and I'm very close to my kids and grandchildren, with a good two-way relationship with them, but that's how we've always been.

You'll probably have to live with this situation- your mother isn't going to change now unfortunately.

My inlaws seem to have the same one-way telephones as your DM. Complain about us not phoning, never call us once. The pressure is all one way.

My mum is similar (82)

She literally never asks how I am and then gets annoyed when she finds something out about what I've been doing and she didn't know

This has got unbearable recently. She was a good practical mum but absolutely no emotional support given. She still is a good practical mum to be fair.

My DM is very similar, expects a lot from me, but it's a very one way street.

Like your DM mine was very emotionally distant when we were younger, never told us she loved us, never hugged us - as long as we were 'ok' that was fine with her.

It's only since I've had DC that I've realised how bad she was (and interestingly DH did too with his own DM) and the thought of treating out DC in that way is unthinkable.

Perhaps it's generational, perhaps it's an extension of the way older people loose there filter and therefore do (as well as say) what the hell they want, I don't know for sure.

I have therefore made it my life's mission to be a great Mum and be there for DC however much I can - or less if that's what they prefer

My DM is a bit like this. She assumes we are all much busier than she is and that we would not welcome any intrusion from her. If she really needs to ask me something she will get in touch but mostly she waits for me to call when i am free. Same for contacting the CG, they know to text or call her. She will call my uncle who is home bound as she knows he won't be busy.

Yes mine too.
She just never calls. I pop in to see her most days just for 15 mins to say hi but she never calls me, never comes to my house, never offers to have the kids or even comes to see them. She lives a 5 minute drive away and the ironic thing is she moved from 3 hours away to spend more time with us

In fairness she will have them if I ask. I only ever ask if I have to take one dc somewhere and it means the other has to come too. I would t ask her to babysit so we could go out.

Last year she forgot my birthday. I wouldn't be bothered but I'm an only child so exactly loads to remember!

On the odd occasion I've ever pulled her up on it she just says "oh you're always so busy" whatever the hell that means.

Both my children and their partners work long hours while bringing up teenagers and I'm retired and at home a lot of the time.

I see my daughter's family twice a week on set days (regular historic commitments) and she and I text most days and very occasionally Skype. My other family I see probably once a half term and a couple of times in the longer holidays - I usually text my son to say 'do you want to meet up next week' and he gets back to me with what fits in with their life. I do text my teenage grandchildren and send them funny things of Instagram. I would never ever ring any of them unexpectedly as I feel it would be intrusive but sometimes we'll exchange texts to check we're all ok.

I don't think it's at all odd for grandparents to step back from initiating contact - how many times on here have I read complaints about the other extreme!

I'd remind her that telephones work in both directions as do roads/footpaths/bus routes etc.
If she doesn't put in any effort, why are you expected to?

Do you feel the fear of what might happen if you didn't?
Do you feel obligated to stay in touch, to call in to her with such frequency?
Would you feel guilty if you cut back on the visits, the phone calls?

If the answer to those questions is yes, you are in the FOG. It definitely doesn't have to be like this.

Not my experience at all.

Are your parents busy?

My parents not at all emotionally supportive but would be great on a practical level. My mum particularly annoys me when we speak, so maybe we'll talk once a fortnight or 3 weeks. I don't think either of us particularly enjoy our calls so it's hit and miss who calls who.

My parents are around 70 but both madly busy and never in the house.

One of my friends has a mother who is 81. This lady has a few adult children and grandchildren. Over the years she has favoured two of her children with help, babysitting and financial help. Meanwhile some of her other adult children did not get the same support.
Over the last 2 or 3 year's the mother does not want to go places or do things unless it suits her. She is moaning far more about things and people.

My friend said to me recently that both her and another sibling are finding her harder to deal with because of the moaning over very small things. Their mother is in reasonable health and can still drive. Her mother refused to consider moving from the country into a local town a few years ago.
I think that some older people still can be busy, involved in things and have a wide circle of friends and then some older people just don't have this. They stop making an effort to meet friends or go places and expect adult children to ring them, meet them or bring them places.
It not always easy for adult kids do this because of family and or work commitments but elderly mothers sometimes can't accept this.

If you find that your mother is leaning on you to much see if their is a day care centre or an active retirement group near her to go say 1 or 2 days a week. It will give her something to look forward to, to go places and to have some friends around her own age.

It isn't anything to do with getting older. I'm mid 60s, absolutely adore my grandkids - ranging 6 months to 13 years - and I love spending time with them (we have the baby all day once a week, mum sends photos every other day), and I message the older ones on their phones, most days, but see them probably fortnightly

My DM never called me or came to visit other than by my explicit request. I couldn't get her past the idea that it wasn't her 'place to intrude' once I had my own life. She said she left it up to me as I knew where she was if I wanted her but she wouldn't want to impose herself otherwise.

Mine tries really hard not to be a burden. Never asks anything, never calls, always wants to be wanted rather than asking us. She found her own mum too demanding and hated the way the phone rang constantly so it’s an attempt not to be a drain.

I don’t know what is or isn’t normal but that’s definitely not my experience. I’ve always been close to my Mum & that’s not changed as she’s aged (early 80s now). She regularly messages me & my DD to just check in/ wish us luck gif things at school etc.

My parents always wait for me to call them rather than them phoning me as they are available at all times/ I’m not with work and two small children. It’s more practical to call when I’m available rather than them try to guess

This feels familiar to me. She was ok practically but not great emotionally and still isn’t now. For example when we were doing IVF she took great pains to shy away from talking about it. I might mention lm starting the medication for the next cycle and she would take a massive deviation from the topic to talk about Carol and Mike’s new garage door 😵‍💫

But conversely now wants a lot of support herself. Doesn’t appear to want to take on-board lm run ragged and spread thinly

My mum (79) and MIL (84) have one way téléphones too.

I think maybe there is a point where the relationship swaps around and the adult children take on more of a caring position (not necessarily physically, but in terms of who calls whom). There certainly seems to be that expectation with our mums.

I do send texts to my adult children but I worry about being intrusive and I wouldn’t call on them or phone them unexpectedly. I’m willing to help any way I can. It’s difficult to get it right. You read so much about mothers and MILs who overstep the mark on here. I try to listen and provide a sounding board if there are problems but I think giving advice can come across as if you think you know best. I do wonder if they might think I’m okay practically but not much emotional support. I also have lost confidence driving which renders me less useful.

@Anonymouseposter That’s an interesting reply and my DM has also lost confidence driving. I think text communication is great, it shows you care. I understand regarding advice, sometimes a listening ear is great

By way of an update, DM called last night to complain about somebody. Talked for an hour and twenty minutes. When I said I had to go she said ‘I never call you and I shouldn’t have bothered’ An hour and twenty minutes - clearly not enough 😂

My mum is the same. In her 70s. She is not like a mum to me. She expects me to look after her. And to do a lot for her.

I honestly think some women have children, with the expectation that these daughters will be servants, and will exist just to look after them in their old age.

I won't be looking after my mum in her old age. I moved away to get away from her. I told her if she needs help, she can get a carer.

As my mum has got older (and I suspect might be in very early stages of dementia) I've noticed she is less likely to ask me questions about my life and more likely to just narrate a litany of minor complaints at me (usually related to minor ailments or some sort of suboptimal customer service....). She seems less and less interested in my life. I sometimes wonder whether it's cause she forgets when I've told her things or is worried about repeating herself if she has already asked, when she hasn't ☹️

Yeah I compare them to toddlers.

Toddlers only think of their own needs and wants. Elderly people are the same.

A toddler won't ask you how your day was, or even think about how you are feeling.

It's their second childhood.

I recently came home from a holiday in Spain. My first holiday away in ages. I went to visit my mum.

She talked about her doctor visit, her new medication, her upcoming appointments etcetera.

After a long while, I said "do you want to know what I did in spain?"