About name changing after marriage

[Mrsdonthaveaname]

I know this has been done to death on here. I'm wondering why many people struggle so much when a woman doesn't change her name.

I've been married for 15 years. I didn't change my surname, it wasn't for any feminist reason particularly. I simply like the name I already had, and I had a child from a previous relationship and wanted to keep the same name as them. That's it.

My in laws straight away sent cards etc to Mrs His Name. Dh politely told them I hadn't changed my name. So then they started double barrelling me to Mrs HisnameHername. Which isn't correct.

My own sister thought I was ridiculous and kept trying to persuade me to at least double barrel. Acts confused anytime the subject of my name comes up.

My sil now just addresses things to my first name with no surname at all. Which is absolutely fine, but she's quite a formal person so I suspect she's confused/unsure and doesn't want to offend me.

None of it offends me, I know it's not worth getting upset about. But why is it so hard?

Then, recently my name came up in conversation with my own mum, who I thought was quite modern. She needed my name for some legal documents and rang to ask me what my legal name was.

She said "I know you like to use Hername but legally it is Hisname isn't it, I wanted to check".

What part of having the same name since I was born is so difficult to understand?

I wish I had the answer. People constantly get my surname wrong despite me writing it clearly on all correspondence, both formal and informal.
Incredibly frustrating.
However, at least your mum checks rather than makes assumptions. Someone I have known for over 15 years still addresses everything to me as "Mrs DHSurname" despite the fact that I was already married when I met them and have never used that name.

Interesting - I've only been married two years, and I haven't changed my name, and I've had zero comments. Occasional card or wedding invite to Mr & Mrs (DH surname) but I don't care. It's never caused any issue 'administratively' either, although we don't have kids yet. I was fairly clear from the start I'd never change my name, but I wouldn't go on about it now.

your sis sounds pretty ignorant as well - "She said "I know you like to use Hername but legally it is Hisname isn't it, I wanted to check"." Sounds like she thinks legally women take husbands surname automatically or something, and you're being subversive!

My sister and I both kept our names when we married. I've had the usual confusion you describe, but her MIL changed from giving her a gift voucher every birthday/Christmas to a cheque payable to Mrs Hisname which of course she cannot cash. I can't understand why it bothers the MIL so much but it's clearly a massive issue for her!

I’ve been married for over 30 years, never changed my name and it’s never been a problem.

I think it's purely because people automatically assume that we'll change our names as it's what's traditionally done here.

I personally do find it a bit odd when families don't have the same surname (whether one of them takes the others surname or they double barrel or even come up with a totally new surname together) but I'd never question anyone's decision out loud and would accept whatever they told me their name was. It would be disrespectful not to.

Misogyny runs very deep. It's often internalised

I committed the cardinal sin of giving my children my name too. My ex in laws refuse to write my surname on their cards. They get sent back now. It's a good lesson in boundaries and respect

I mean people are extremely sexist. There are certainly people who believe it’s ‘the law’ to change your name, who believe that using a title that doesn’t indicate your marital status means you’re divorced, and that using your own name is using your father’s name despite seeing your husband’s name as his…….

The person who has never been assumed to be Mrs HusbandName in 30 years has had an extraordinary experience. Incredible.

I get that people would assume if they didn't know. Like I said I don't get upset or offended as it's not worth worrying about.

But it's when people know what my name is because I've told them, but still don't understand or think I'm just pretending.

You get plenty of comments if you do change your name too. I changed my name simply because my husband's surname sounded better than mine! You wouldn't believe how many friends have told me off for changing my name.

I'm astounded by anyone thinking there's a legal requirement to change your name. Or that by getting married your "legal name" is automatically changed. That's just bizarre. Do these people also believe a child has to legally have the father's surname if they are married?