Using phone as punishment

[Iwishicouldflyhigh]

I have a teenager (13) who is generally a good kid, works hard at school is respectful etc, but can also be a typical teenager.
This morning, she was running around as i hadn't washed her sports kit (she has 2 kits and they are supposed to be on rotation so that she also has a clean kit as she has sports about 4 times a week) and there is normally not a problem.
However she either hadn't brought one kit home as soon as she'd used it and i also have a wash to go in, which had both kits in it and i hadn't really clocked that when i sorted it out last night (ready to go in this morning).

So this morning she was running around to find a kit and i told her to check the pile of dirty washing, her top was there and was dirty, it really did need a wash.

I said to her - this is why we tell you all to sort out all your stuff the night before and if you'd done that, your kit would have been washed and dried over night.

That led to a torrent of cheekiness - why was it not done, it should have been done, how am i supposed to sort out by stuff the night before with all my homework (i said she could have cut in to the hour of phone time that she had last night) and so on and so forth. The answering back was very irritating and illogical and i gave her a warning that if it continued, she wouldn't have her phone today. It continued so i said - no phone today. Then she made another snide comment, so i said, ok - you won't have it tomorrow either. Another snide comment and i said ok, you won't have it until Sunday - this continued until we were at a week.

Obviously now i've calmed down - i don't want to take her phone for a week, although she is certainly not having it today.

I also kind of feel uncomfortable in using her phone as a method of 'controlling' her and this is the first time that i've done it and was born out of pure frustration.

She's now gone to school and i told her i loved her etc - (to which she slammed the door in my face) and said i was out of order for taking her phone.

Like most teenagers, her phone is her social life and this will really upset up and her attitude this morning, although very cheeky and unwarranted, doesn't warrant her losing her phone for a week. I'll deal with that tonight and come to an agreement that she helps me with the ironing to get it back earlier, something like that.

I also want this to be a lesson for her to get her stuff sorted the night before as we've said time and again.

But i'm interested other people's views - do you use the phone as a way of 'control' teenagers (given there is now no time out step!)?

If youve said she can’t have it until Sunday, you need to stick with it.
And I’d have told her that in future she wears dirty kit if she’s not put it in the wash.

It's back to the toddler years - never threaten a sanction that you are not prepared to carry out fully.

I didn't use removing the phone as sanction, because there were various reasons why I didn't want them to be out of comms when out of the house (but those reasons might not apply in other families)

So yes, I think you are stuck with following through, because it becomes much harder in future (as she might not think you mean business, and you've got a lot of teen years to get through).

So right now there are two things to think about
a) devising other sanctions, so you're not caught on the hop again
b) whether you want come up with a way for her to "earn" back her phone after a shorter time than the one currently specified

I used to take the sim out of my DD Iphone and give her a non smart phone, she'd then have to earn it back.

Never say anything your not prepared to go through with, they soon learn and it breeds respect, you re not her slave.

You gave he a fair warning and she chose to carry on. I don’t see why her having a phone is important. Her social life is on there so what? She will still see her friends at school. You should stick with what you said.
Although I profoundly disagree with punishment as a concept. If you were in a similar situation with your husband, you wouldn’t be taking his phone away. You would wait for things to cool down and have a discussion. Taking things away from children is a weird power play and doesn’t actually teach them self-regulation and communication skills.

Hmm, i do kind of see what you mean although i don't agree with the comparison with my husband as my husband is my husband and my child is my child - they are entirely different relationships and a lot of things i do with my children, i don't do with my husband. My husband is my equal and it's not my job to make sure that he does his homework and eats his broccoli.

However, i do feel uncomfortable at 'punishing' at 13......

They need to know that there are consequences to their actions or lack of actions. We have taken our 14 year old daughter’s phone off her this week for unacceptable behaviour and she will get it back at the weekend. It is a withdrawal of privilege and as her phone is her most treasured possession that is the withdrawal that she received. She has actually been much better behaved this week and more focused so it has been positive but we will do the same if she repeats the previous behaviour. There are boundaries and whilst the whole sports kit thing is not a huge issue & I would have sent her in unwashed kit as other posters have said the teenage years are long and as parents I believe we have a responsibility to guide them as best we can which includes ensuring boundaries are clearly defined regularly .

Give the phone back but give her very clear rules about organising her kit. Make a planner for days of the week or something and get it drilled into her.

I completely get the rage that disorganisation and kids expecting things to be sorted magically brings on. I've blown my top at my dds for this in the past and probably wanted to punish them and have. On reflection it's not naughty behaviour to punish it's just a lesson that needs to be learned or at least improved.

I don't think there's a huge impact if you back down on the phone. She's neither a toddler nor a dog!!!

The sports kit wasn't an issue really - i said i'd hand wash it quicker for her etc etc - it was the attitude and the shouting that she couldn't believe it hadn't done it yada yada. I've just checked the washing and there is only one kit there which means that the other is at school and she hadn't brought it home in any case.
When she gets home tonight i'll be reiterating that what she did 'wrong' was not get her stuff together last night, she hasn't brought her kit home - but the main thing is talking to me as she did.

The problem is that we are both very similar - which means we get on really well and have the same humour.......but also she won't back down.

But i would never have spoken to my mum the way she did this morning.

It's so hard!

You've now said no phone until Sunday so that's what needs to happen. Possibly give it back early Sunday morning. Maybe she will have learned not to be cheeky. If you give it back earlier she'll never listen to what you say ever again. Stick with it. Can you organise to do something else nice on Saturday like Xmas shopping with her?

Agree with those saying as you've said no phone, you need to stick with it.

I use phone as a leverage with mine (also 13) but it was always given on the proviso that behaviour is good and they know it's a privilege which can be removed.

The complaints about washing - she's 13. If that was my DS, he'd be doing the washing for the week.

Nope take the phone. Mine lost it for 2 weeks this morning. I asked him to walk away. I walked away and he followed me and continued to be awful.

Tell her she can earn it back by chores. Make a list and what each one is worth.

A door slam in my face would have added at least an extra day.

Teens are like toddlers- you said no phone, now you stick to the no phone
now that you have calmed down, your issue is how she spoke to you, when she comes back talk to her about why is she not having a phone - yes the kit is one thing but her attitude is a different one and that’s what you’re punishing
if she storms, shouts, etc you keep calm and just keep the phone
if she shows remorse and calms down you can get her to “earn the phone back” - back at my toddler analogy, remember the star charts? Only in this case the phone back quicker is the prize and you don’t display a chart
it’s understandable you went for the phone, you know that’s what will land the message

I think in the situation you were in you have to accept that you could threaten anything and when they’re heightened they aren’t going to be able to calm down on the basis of a threat. You probably know that though as I know that yet forget in the heat of the moment. When there’s this situation I tend to walk away saying I’m not going to be spoken to like that, let me know when you’re ready to speak to me properly (often involves the teen sulking or slamming out the house to school ) then later on we discuss it and by then I’ve decided if there needs to be a consequence. So far it’s not been the phone but losing a different privilege but no real issue with the phone being the privilege that goes

Taking away a phone or a tablet is the modern equivalent of being grounded. There were no phones when I was a teenager. The worst punishment was being told I couldn't go out to play with my friends and removing a phone seems to be the modern equivalent.

This very much.

She couldn't reason and be rational in that moment.
She was stressed and frustrated, probably with herself as much as you if she was honest. It's sounds like sport is important to her which will have increased that stress so she kicked off.
She can't access her rational brain at that moment so it's completely pointless trying to discuss or resolve.

I'd talk to her later and negotiate on the consequence. It's not relevant to the issue so surely the natural consequence is she doesn't have kit or wears a dirty one.

The phone will still work on wifi/friends hotspot for WhatsApp/tiktok/insta etc

Gawd, she’s a kid. Give her a hand with getting her PE kit washed. I couldn’t have managed my entire life and laundry at that age without my mums support. If she genuinely had a load of homework to do and only ONE hour screen time, I think you could have cut her a bit of slack for not realising she didn’t have a PE kit available.

If knew my DD she would have rather sawn her arm off with blunt saw than take an old flip Samsung out in front of her friends......

You’ve misread my post. She doesn’t have to manage her laundry. I do all the washing/ironing. But she is expected to get her stuff ready the night before, so that issues that happened this morning dint happen (ie I could had washed /dried her kit over night).

that isn’t the reason for me taking the phone away though. In fact, I would have willingly hand washed the top this morning. It wax her attitude and tge way she spoke to me .

re phone time, she had it fir 2.5 hours yesterday. 1.5 hours during the school day (8.15-6.15) and then an hour at home .

Well, I am of the opinion that your children are your equal too. It is absolutely your job to parent them and give them skills and opportunities for development. Punishing does not teach them anything but resentment. If your daughter spoke to you in a manner that was not appropriate, then you needed to find the way to educate her about that (preferably through a conversation), establish respectful boundaries and also address how she should manage her emotions better to not find herself in this situation again. As I said, punishment is a power play (effectively saying, “you are not my equal and I have the power to do what I like with you”). As someone who had a lot of things confiscated from me as a child, I can tell you that it only affected my relationships with my parents negatively.

I had this argument with my ds and I made him wash and dry the items himself. He was shocked how long it took and the fact that you have to remember to transfer the clothes in between but I made him leave his computer game to do it.

He now understands why I need notice and will sometimes ask apologetically if I can wash something before tomorrow rather than be angry that something wasn't washed.

That’s still managing her laundry, and you didn’t reply about her homework amount or the fact it sounds like she only had one hours worth of unwinding time that you expected her to give up because of how long she’d been doing homework (and now needed to sort all her kit and bags out etc)

I still think you’re being unreasonable.

She had plenty of unwinding time (I don’t think you need a phone to unwind, do you).
sorting out her bag the night before is not managing laundry. It’s sorting out her bag and then telling me she needs her sports kit (which I eoukd then have washed).

and her regardless if all that, it didn’t warrant her attitude (which was the reason her phone was taken).

Yeah, I think you need to focus on the fact that you didn't take the phone due to the laundry issue, it was due to her repeated rudeness.

I think it's easy to lose sight of that with all the stuff about laundry.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You mustn't mistake angering her for bad parenting. She's in a huff because she's lost her phone. She'll get over it.

If you want to treat her differently, maybe you could give the phone back a couple of days early if she's making an effort to be polite etc, but I personally wouldn't give it back straight away.

I agree about the attitude completely, just that perhaps it didn’t warrant being such a big deal in the first place was the only point I was making.